Burnt Toast

by admin on September 16, 2009

I attended the wedding of one of my (now ex) husband’s old high school buddies, where he was serving as the best man. It was a smaller wedding held at a Mason’s club, but nonetheless trying very hard to be a classy affair. It was sadly hampered in attaining its goal by the bride’s family and friends. The groom came from a very nice family, and had met this girl while “sewing his oats” immediately after high school. They decided that they should be married after they had already had one son and lived together for a year to ensure that they could make it work. Their son was 2 at the time of the ceremony.

The wedding proceeded uneventfully, then dinner mostly uneventfully. The friends of the bride were either dressed in nearly see-through clothing or in full leather biker attire, but the grooms family was good natured and gracious, and mingled well in their suits and dresses. Toasting the bride and groom commences, and my (now ex) husband gets to deliver his. He was never really fond of the bride, and also had a bit of a drinking problem. By the time his moment of glory rolled around, he was well soused, and had an attitude. In a very misguided attempt at humor, he delivers the following toast:

“To Matt and Laura. Matt, I’ve known you almost my whole life and you’re like a brother to me. Laura, if Matt likes you then, eh, we’re happy to know you. We’ve watched you guys work on a relationship, and waited for this wedding, and all I can say is, best wishes and I’m glad your kid is no longer a bastard.”

My (now ex) husband then started to giggle, since he thought this was high comedy. The rest of the room, including me, immediately and collectively gasped, then I stepped out the back to hide my fits of giggles. (I hated my husband when he was drinking, and reveled in all of his mistakes.) As I was collecting myself out back, step-father of the bride, a large scary biker, is preparing to beat to a pulp the toast giver. Only the intervention of the very gracious bride and the father of the groom saved my (now ex) husband the beating he so rightly deserved.   0914-09

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