Over the summer my long term boyfriend proposed to me. We’ve done a lot of planning and now it’s come time to send out our Save The Dates. This is where the problems start. Our venue is very limited in size, because we really don’t want to have a lot of people there, and also because it’s more affordable. We split invites evenly, giving us both 35 guests. It’s important to mention that my fiance’ is not at all close to most of his family. He’s very close with his dad, but believes his mom to be a controlling, manipulative, toxic person. He doesn’t have a relationship with any of his Aunts or Uncles. They don’t try to keep up with him, and he in turn doesn’t seek out a relationship with them.
Due to his relationship with most of his family, my fiance’ has decided he’d rather invite friends instead. His parents are divorced (a really, really messy one too), and when we got engaged the first thing she said was, “I get a guest”. Not “may I have a guest?” or anything of that nature. Just telling me that she got a guest. Okay, whatever. I’m not thrilled with the way she asked, but I can understand it might be hard for her to see fiance’s dad and his wife without backup. I have my fiance’ tell her that we will invite a guest for her, but because I’m not sending out any invitations that say “And Guest” and because the friend doesn’t live with her I will need the friends address in order to send them an invitation directly. She didn’t respond, just changed the subject.
So now my fiance’ and I went down to visit her shortly after. While we were there he asks again “Mom, have you thought of your ONE guest?” and she says “I have. I want Amy, and Stuart, and Ross, and Angie and a friend”. Thomas says something along the lines of “That doesn’t seem like one person”. She changes the subject. The rest of the visit goes by uneventfully.
Now my save the dates are printed, so I asked fiance’ to send her a text asking for the friends name and address. She replies that she wants six invites now. If you’ll notice it’s gone from five to six since fiance’ has last talked to his mom. He tells her a generic “I cannot accommodate that request” line. She goes on to say that in her family people just assume their invited, and people are already planning on coming, and that she has never even heard of a closed door wedding. Which is ridiculous, because fiance’ has a cousin that got married over the summer and we didn’t receive an invite. She then asks my fiance if he will call all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins and INFORM them they are not invited!
So I need a bunch of advice. First, how do my fiance and I get it through to her that she is getting ONE guest. Second, how do we tell her that we’re not calling his family to tell them they’re not invited? I’ve been behaving etiquette-wise and haven’t talked about my wedding at all in front of those who aren’t invited. No telling if she is or not. Third (And most importantly) What do I do on the day of if his mom comes in bringing 6 uninvited people? I can’t just roll with it, because of the fire code, and the catering.
Miss J, I desperately need your help. I have no idea what to do. I’m afraid if we have to call his extended family and I’ll alienate myself before I’m even really a PART of their family. She is not contributing financially to the wedding, but has told us she will give us $2,000 for our honeymoon. 0821-13
Something doesn’t make sense. You are concerned about being alienated from extended members who are…
1) your fiance “is not at all close to most of his family”2) your fiance “doesn’t have a relationship with any of his Aunts or Uncles”
3) Aunts and uncles don’t try to keep up with him, and he in turn doesn’t seek out a relationship with them.
4) and whom your fiance has no intention of inviting to his wedding
It appears to me that the alienation is a well established relationship pattern and not inviting them to the wedding will seal the deal. And you are worried that not calling them to explain the lack of any invitation to your wedding will alienate them? They already are alienated!
And I would start saving for a honeymoon if I were you. Future MIL is poised to use it as a tool to get her way and personally I would never give someone that kind of power over me.