Congratulations On Your Engagement… We’re No Longer Friends

by admin on January 8, 2013

We are still struggling to determine how to deal with this situation that arose the day after we got engaged. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

After 5 years, some of which long distance, my fiance finally proposed and what I thought would be the happiest week of my life quickly turned me into an angry, hurt person. He had everything planned perfectly! He was scheduled to host a local telethon and I was to be the volunteer coordinator for the day, but I would join him on TV for a short segment where we would be interviewed together because of our involvement with the organization. To my surprise, he had planned this about nine months prior and arranged for our engagement to be on live TV. He told our friends to watch the segment and I did the same, not knowing that there would be anything special to it. Was I ever surprised!

My fiance’s family was there as his guests, as well as his two best friends,”Dave” and “Joe”. He had arranged for my parents and my best friend to watch the proposal live on TV as they live on the other side of the country. He felt that in order to prevent me from finding out, he would not tell anyone else but just encouraged other family members and friends to watch our TV segment.

We had the most wonderful evening! I was blown away by the excitement of the situation as well as by the number of volunteers, crew members and telethon organizers that were giving us their well-wishes. I managed to call two of my closest friends before they found out on Facebook as that was important to me, but as it turns out everyone else already knew as they were watching on TV. For hours, our phones buzzed with well-wishes and emails and I thought it was strange that another friend of my fiance’s “Rick” had not said anything, but not wanting to be self-centered, I thought that I shouldn’t worry about it.

In the past, my fiance, Rick and I had shared an apartment and I was integrated in their circle of friends as I was from another city. Initially, Rick and I butted heads frequently, but we kept everything at bay for the sake of his and my fiance’s friendship. Over the years, many hurtful things were said between us and I eventually learned how to “handle” Rick so that we became friends. No apologies were made on his part but I decided that for the sake of the group, I would strive to be the better person and forgive and forget. Due to all of this, I became concerned when we still had not heard anything from him the next day. I felt that it was likely that he was hurt over not knowing ahead of time, but my fiance told me that was ridiculous as it was no one else’s business but our own. He also argued that he had done more than most by having our engagement on live TV, so our friends should have felt included.

The day following our engagement, we went to the mall to pick up some celebratory champagne when my fiance’s phone buzzed with an email from Rick. The email was addressed to my fiance but was cc’d to his best friend Dave. The email basically stated a congratulations on our engagement but that we should consider the friendship over as he was surprised to find out that Dave knew about the proposal and that he did not. The email was incredibly hurtful and included that we were no longer welcome to attend his New Year’s celebrations and would not be attending our Christmas party. We should take time to think about our friendship and it would be re-evaluated in the New Year but we were not to contact him before then. The email was long and contained many other accusations, but the long and short of it is, Rick is/was upset with us for seeing Dave as a closer friend than himself. (We spend almost every weekend with Dave and his girlfriend, he will be my fiance’s best man and he has known Dave since childhood as opposed to Rick who we see once every 3-6 weeks).

It’s been nearly a month and we have not spoken to Rick at all. It is not the first time that he has tried to control an event or attempted to make it about himself, but this one took the cake. Dave spoke with Rick (somewhat forcibly) to get his feeling off his chest and to explain to Rick that his behavior was far from being ok. At this point, my fiance has simply said that he will not chase this “friend” or give in to his childish and self-centered behavior. I would like some resolution to the situation, but I’m not sure as to how to go about it, or even if that’s a good idea. The situation has fractured our group of friends and a part of me feels badly for Rick and that his behavior has cost him so many friends. 0106-13

With dozens of friends,family and event volunteers showering good wishes upon you both,  why are you fixated on Rick and why does this one man have the power to affect your happiness and peace?  Why is Rick living in your mind rent free?  You would do well to dwell on the many good relationships and good thoughts others have given you on the occasion of your engagement.

Second,   it’s clear Rick started the gossip by ccing your fiance’s best friend, Dave, with his litany of grievances.   It’s been over a month since the email and I sincerely hope you and your fiance have not been spreading your version of this to friends as well.   I suggest becoming quite discreet about the incident or the status of the relationship if anyone asks, and certainly not volunteer any information for this main reason:   If Rick’s relationship within your group of friends is severely damaged, let it be by Rick’s own words and actions.    You cannot and should not wrestle with a pig because you will look as bad as he does.    Rick’s friendships will rise or fall solely on the merits of his own actions and by no means should it appear that you or fiance are “helping” him ruin those relationships by gossiping behind his back to mutual friends.

{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

Bint January 8, 2013 at 4:54 am

Congratulations on your engagement! I entirely agree with Admin, and I do hope you take her advice because a couple of lines from your post really struck me. This should not fracture your group of friends. However Rick feels, it isn’t your problem, you did nothing wrong, and if you want a resolution then I suggest dropping him from your lives while ensuring none of your friends feels put in the middle by you or your fiance.

The other line that struck me was your fiance’s assertion that “he had done more than most by having our engagement on live TV, so our friends should have felt included.”

He hasn’t ‘done more than most’, he has just done it in public. Good for him in having the nerve and choosing a way you found wonderful, but ‘done more than most’…no, and rather surprising he should think he has. Not everyone wants a public proposal. Personally I would have killed my husband had he included our friends and an audience. I’m aware this is probably a throwaway line from your fiance, but I do wonder if he really believes this. I hope not.

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Library Diva January 8, 2013 at 1:26 pm

I took that to mean that OP’s fiance felt he had included more people than most would by proposing on TV, rather than choosing a more intimate venue. The sentence continued “…so our friends should have felt included.” On that point, I agree with fiance.

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Meegs January 8, 2013 at 3:55 pm

I might be wrong but I took that “more than most” comment to mean that he thought he had done more than most to include their friends in the proposal by doing it publically, not that he had done more than most simply for propsing.

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Yasuragi January 8, 2013 at 5:41 am

I agree with Admin. Rick is a drama llama trying to bring others into his drama llama games. The only winning move is not to play.

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Ginger January 8, 2013 at 6:26 am

Let it go and let him go. When my husband and I got engaged, we had a group of 8 close male friends and 2 brothers to choose 3 from for the bridal party. We chose the two boys we were closest to and then gave the remaining spot to the friend who had introduced us (despite feeling closer to other friends). Our best man had come to visit us when we moved out of town, called us regularly and made an effort everytime we returned to our hometown to make a lot of time for us. The friend who introduced us became very strange through our engagement. We found out later that he thought he should have had the spot of best man because he introduced us, despite making very little effort to be a part of our lives. I felt obliged to have him in our wedding party despite wanting another friend to fill that spot. I wish I didn’t. We are no longer friends. He cut us out of his life after the wedding for reasons known only to him. I look back at my wedding photos and wish he wasn’t in them. I wish we chose the friend that we had wanted for that 3rd spot as we are still very close and were in his bridal party.

It sounds to me as though the friendship with Rick has an expiry date. You can keep trying to repair it now or you can think about whether this is a relationship you genuinely want in your life. To spend time with him, you forgo spending time with one of those wonderful people who was so happy for the path your life was travelling. You are smarting over the rejection at the moment and it hurts. It hurts a lot whether you like the person or not. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way. It really does feel awful. If you sever the relationship now, it will hurt for a time, but very soon you will be happy again. If you keep repairing it, you will keep being hurt by it. Only you know if you think it is worth the effort and if you think it is worth the effort, then by all means salvage it! I much prefer to fix things then smash them but sometimes you need to protect your own little spirit and walk away from someone who is crushing it.

And I totally agree with never say anything negative about Rick. I find repeatedly in life that people dig their own holes. I have recently experienced someone being quite childish and awful to me and I didn’t react. A number of people watched his actions and he lost a great deal of business over it without me saying a negative word about him. People didn’t like how I was treated and it affected how they chose to interact with him. I like that I didn’t influence their actions and I like that I didn’t let what was said turn me into a person that I’m not. I choose not to be vindictive or petty and my life is better for it.

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LadyLelan January 8, 2013 at 7:12 am

To be honest, the two only words that came to my mind about Rick and his behavior: “Good riddance.”

OP, don’t spend any time or energy grieving a relation that Rick had made rotten anyway. Strive to be a good person, a good friend for those who deserve it, and a good wife. It’s all that matters.

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Cat January 8, 2013 at 9:17 am

Rick lacks a sense of proportion. He is not your husband’s best friend, you more tolerate him than anything closer, and he wants to make the rules that govern your relationship.
Please don’t get into drama over this. You are very sorry that he feels as he does, but, as he has already declared the friendship over, you accept his decision and will not bother him again.
That’s all you say to him or to anyone else about this. Let it die a natural death without a lot of, “Well, she said this, so I said that…”
I got into the same thing with my birth family. After thirty years of seaching for them, all but one refused to see me. I was informed that,’There is no reason for any of your sisters ever to see you. They are getting all of the “news” about you from a “third party” and are happy just talking about you among themselves.’
That one was gathering gossip for the others, even though I was a total stranger to them. Now, eleven years later, they cannot understand why I no longer wish to see them and simply say I accept their decision and good-bye.

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Lerah January 8, 2013 at 10:26 am

I have to agree with the Admin on this one. You are giving Rick way too much power over your happiness and way too much space in your brain.

Rick is your fiance’s friend. Your fiance is perfectly willing to leave things as they are and not reach out to Rick for any sort of additional closure. You should forget about Rick entirely. Allow your fiance to deal with his former friend as he sees fit and stay out of it.

That way if this time next year your husband and Rick are buddies again, you won’t be in the uncomfortable position of having spent weeks bad mouthing Rick. And if your husband and Rick still aren’t talking then there is no reason to reflect on the lead up to your wedding as “that time when Rick tried to ruin our happiness”.

As for Rick losing friends, blah, blah, blah… He is a grown man. If his behavior alienates those he considers his friends that has nothing to do with you. Why on earth are you borrowing trouble?

Enjoy this exciting time leading up to your wedding. Spend time with your fiance, your families, and the friends who are happy for you and support you. Let go of the rest of it. You will have plenty to stress over and worry about while planning your wedding. Don’t take on additional burdens that aren’t yours to carry.

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Sarah Jane January 8, 2013 at 11:01 am

Something similar to this happened to some people I know. Turns out our “Rick” had himself a crush on the groom. Not an easy situation to iron out.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here, nor am I saying there couldn’t be a dozen other issues at play here. I’m just sharing my experience.

Ignore Rick and his grandiose displays of jealousy and narcissism. If this is how he continues to deal with life, it won’t be the last time his relationships suffer. You don’t need his drama; move on.

Best wishes for your upcoming marriage!

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Library Diva January 8, 2013 at 11:40 am

Wow, weddings really do bring out the crazy in people! I wonder what Rick hoped to accomplish with this email. Did he really think fiance would write back and say, “No, Rick, YOU’RE our best friend?” How incredibly childish. If he felt his friendship with your fiance drifting, he should have either sat down to talk with him about it, or just stepped up his efforts to get it back on track. To say “I won’t play second banana to Dave anymore! You two are CUT OUT FROM MY LIFE AND DON’T YOU SHOW UP AT MY CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!!11!1!!1″ is behavior not worthy of someone whose friends are old enough to marry…or really, even of someone whose friends are old enough to use real scissors instead of safety scissors.

I’m sure it’s difficult to accept, but I think the resolution of this situation is upon you already, even though you may not feel that way. Rick has said he didn’t want to hear from you until after the new year and is re-evaluating your place in his life — personally I translate this as ” don’t talk to me for a while, but after Jan. 1 when you’ve come to realize how hollow your life is without me, you may come crawling back and perhaps I’ll even consider talking to you.” Your fiance doesn’t want to go chasing him, and it sounds like this is the straw that’s severed the relationship. You’ll have to let it go.

It’s kind of you to feel badly for Rick, but he brought this all on himself and all you can do is continue to be the bigger person: don’t give in to the temptation to gossip about him or discuss his email in detail, though I think it’s OK to say something like “He’s upset with us, for reasons I don’t really understand. I don’t think we’ll be hearing from him much in the future. Have you tried the bean dip? It’s terrific.”

Congratulations on your engagement. Don’t let this guy be the fly in your soup. Enjoy this time, and be comforted by the more pleasant surprises: all the people who’ve gone out of their way to congratulate you and wish you well.

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Ellen January 8, 2013 at 11:52 am

I love that phrase “don’t wrestle with a pig”.

Rick’s email sounds more like a 15 year old girl trying to punish her boyfriend for eating with someone else at the mall food court. We will re-evaluate our friendship in the new year but don’t contact me for x time?????? Ridiculous. This is not how grown-up people behave.

I can see how a reasonable person might get their feelings hurt if they felt (for whatever reason) shut out of a big experience in their friend’s life, or if it seemed the friendship were uneven. However, a mature person can say, “hey, I wish you’d called me to let me know. It kinda sucked to hear it second-hand.” And move on from there with a sense of proportion.

100% agree with Admin and pp’s – write this whole situation off and don’t mention it to Rick or anyone else. If you want to be gracious and mail him a wedding invitation, fine, but don’t email call or text him unless he shows up and starts acting like a grownup.

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Wendy B January 8, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Is Rick related to my cousin perchance?

Shortly after my fiance (now husband) and I became engaged, a few days before Christmas in fact, I received a nasty e-mail from my cousin demanding to know how I could plan to “marry such a man”. There is far too much background to go into here, suffice to say that what she thought she knew was wrong. I did my best to explain to her why her information was wrong, direct her to various sources to back up my claims, and ask her to please reconsider. What I received in return was another hurtful e-mail essentially explaining that I was delusional and should listen to my older cousin like I did when I was little. At this point, my mother stepped in and asked her to please reconsider her actions, adding some of her thoughts about the relationship…and received a nasty e-mail in return.

At that point, I gave her the cut direct. She refused to have any contact with us and tried to poison other family members against us. After a few months, she sent a new friend request on Facebook. I reluctantly accepted, thinking maybe she was regretting her rash decisions (of which she is famous anyhow). This lasted a couple of months when, without warning, she cut me off again. No word from her until this Christmas when she sent me an e-mail for my mother asking for help with her brother. I forwarded the information, but decided that I will have nothing more to do with her unless there is a dire circumstance (say, medical emergency, family emergency, etc.).

I tell you that to tell you this. The cut direct is useful and, in this situation, necessary. I agree that you cannot obsess over Rick’s behavior. It doesn’t mean that you won’t think about it at times and wonder what hay happened, but he is his own problem. As my husband says, at the end of the day, all you have to answer for is yourself and your integrity.

Congratulations and I wish you and your fiance the best!

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Cat January 8, 2013 at 9:58 pm

Just when I think my family is nuts, I find someone who has someone who is blessed with even nuttier, if there is such a word, relations. I think I would have told cousin that I was honor-bound to marry him as I “had had my way with him” and his family was insisting that I make an honest man of him. I am capable of saying very strange things with a perfectly straight face.

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Wendy B January 10, 2013 at 10:50 am

Hahaha! I wish I’d thought fast enough for something like that. I thought at one point of telling her that I was marrying him for his money (of which he has very little) or that we were planning on starting a life of crime ala Bonnie and Clyde, but I was too upset at the time. I’ll reserve those for the future.

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WildIrishRose January 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

I think you should be very, very glad that your fiance has chosen not to try to pursue Rick’s former affections. Putting petty people behind you is good for the soul. I think that if Rick wants to patch things up, you and your fiance should be open to that–who knows why Rick is behaving this way? If it turns out that there’s nothing more involved than childishness, then you have the option of letting him back in or not. Either way, I’ve seen a lot of relationships go belly-up because one half or the other thought it was vital to try to make nice with someone who had hurt them. Bravo for you and your fiance; congratulations and best wishes!

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sv January 8, 2013 at 4:03 pm

Admin is right. Take the high road and by way of explaination say nothing more than, ” Rick is unhappy with us. ” Refuse to gossip and for heavens sake do not bash Rick behind his back. You will feel good about your behaviour at a later date, trust me. A gossip always looks like a gossip. Let Rick be the one to create his own chaos.

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Jay January 8, 2013 at 4:53 pm

Good riddance. This experience will be helpful later, when you have kids and have to deal with two-year-olds.

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StephM January 8, 2013 at 5:03 pm

If anyone tries to tell you what Rick is saying behind your back, ask them to not tell you. Hearing any of his nasty comments might make you see red and say something that they could report back to Rick or others. Besides, if no one talks to you about Rick, he can’t stake a spot in your thoughts.

I wouldn’t invite him to the wedding either. Not for the sake of old times, not because all the other friends are invited, not to try to patch things up. Unless he apologizes and shows that he understands what he did wrong, he does not deserve your hospitality.

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Kate January 8, 2013 at 8:18 pm

OP, do the two of you really need Rick as a friend? Imagine the tantrums that will come up during wedding planning. “Oh no, Dave found out what colour suit the groom is wearing before me!”.
This sort of behaviour is indicative of emotional immaturity. I wouldn’t stress about it and would not invite him to the wedding either.

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Fizzychip January 8, 2013 at 9:25 pm

OP, you acknowledge that Rick has pulled similar, controlling behaviour in the past, so can I add my agreement to the above comments and advise you to ignore it? It was Rick’s choice to behave like a child and any reconcilliatory behaviour on yours or your fiance’s behalf merely serves to tell Rick that this sort of behaviour in an adult is acceptable & he will therefore do it all over again in the future if you step outside of his boundaries again. I was married to a spoilt man like this and trust me, this behaviour does not improve with age or even a good talking to – they stick to what to them “works”. Ultimately, the email was adressed to your fiance, not to you, so my best advise is to let your partner deal with it and remove yourself entirely from the exchange. In the meantime, try to remember that this should be a happy time for you both, don’t let the actions of one mean spirited person interfere with your plans or your happiness. It’s Rick’s loss, not yours.

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AS January 9, 2013 at 12:54 am

Why… OH! Why are you letting Rick rule over your happiness, especially at such a happy phase of your life? Take the admin’s advice and a page from your fiancé’s book of how to deal with immature “friends” and just move on!

Congratulations on your engagement!

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VM January 9, 2013 at 1:40 am

I would respect his wishes for not contacting him before the new year. Then I would be generous and go it one better by not contacting him AFTER the new year, either.

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Sarah Jane January 9, 2013 at 10:26 am

I love this one!

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GleanerGirl January 13, 2013 at 12:13 am

Exactly. Don’t contact him at all. If he wants to be friends, he can jolly well contact YOU. And nicely, not in a nasty email.

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Katia January 9, 2013 at 3:26 am

Dear OP, you need to follow Admin’s advice and get rid of him from your head.

My husband has an on/off relationship with his family for various reasons, and he is the one that deals with it. Same as your situation, let your fiance deal with Rick in the way that he sees best. I always tell my husband and his family if they ask, that if they’re fighting, I will always take his side and support his decisions. That way, his family knows that I’m not getting involved in the drama, and my husband knows he has my full support. It’s time for you to stop caring about Rick and start enjoying your engagement. You know it’ll get crazy without this guy’s drama, what with planning and last minute things that come up. Trust your fiance to make the decisions that are right for both of you. Stay out of their drama.

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Angela January 9, 2013 at 6:42 am

“At this point, my fiance has simply said that he will not chase this “friend” or give in to his childish and self-centered behavior. ” Sounds like you picked a man with good judgement; consider following suit.

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Harley Granny January 9, 2013 at 12:56 pm

While I understand your wanting to get this “settled”…after all you worked hard on keeping the peace between you and DF for so long…..BUT…I say he did you a great big favor by drawing a line in the sand that you really should be thankful that you don’t have to cross.

Like another mentioned….don’t contact him at all. Let it go and enjoy that seeming very mature DF you have.

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Ellen CA January 9, 2013 at 1:00 pm

“To my surprise, he had planned this about nine months prior ”

I’m not a fan of public spectacle proposals and this just makes me sad. If the two of you were ready to become engaged nine months prior, why not then? That would have been nine additional months that you could have been a happily engaged couple, planning your future together, time which instead had to wait for the “perfectly planned” proposal.

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The Elf January 9, 2013 at 2:37 pm

I’m with you, but that’s our preference. Obviously OP really enjoyed the public spectacle, so why not?

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GleanerGirl January 13, 2013 at 12:18 am

My problem with the public spectacle engagements: I was at a football game, once, and some guy had gone to great expense to create a banner that said, “Marry me, Mary.” He hired people to hold it up in the stands.

Now, Mary is a very common name, and there were several men there, caught flat-footed when their dates thought that the proposal was for THEM. I laugh about it, but only because my name is not Mary, and I knew it wasn’t for me. Had I been a Mary in that section of the bleachers that day, and not been the RIGHT Mary, I would have felt crushed.

And then, of course, there is always the danger of being rejected in front of all your friends and loved ones. Or, the woman to whom you are proposing may only say “yes,” because she doesn’t want you to be publicly humiliated, only to call it all off later, after you’ve already spent time and money planning the wedding.

In my mind, proposals should be done in private, with little fanfare. That’s the practical part of me talking.

Romantically, this is really sweet! And he did it in such a way that no one could confuse the proposal as being meant for them, instead of you, so that’s good.

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Heather April 2, 2013 at 10:14 am

Yes, some people like this sort of thing and it seems like the OP did. My husband-to-be wouldn’t have done it in a million years and if he had I probably would have frozen up, made a fool of myself and walked out really angry. It all depends very much on the individual people involved. I think the other danger of these public proposals is that they can be used to put extra pressure on the woman to say yes (as all the onlookers watch starry-eyed)… it takes an awful lot of strength of character to ruin everyone’s public theater with a “no” or a “maybe,” and imagine the mess you’d get yourself in by not having the spine to say that even though it’s your real answer? An honorable guy needs to already know that the woman wants to marry him before putting her on the spot like that.

That said, that’s clearly what was going on here, and she liked it, so why criticize this one?

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Mer August 14, 2013 at 10:23 am

Perhaps I’m too pragmatic about life, as I don’t really see that great difference in life, engaged or not. You can be happy couple planning your future together without being “officially” engaged. (Officially because I know some people think one is technically engaged at the point they start planning life together forever, rings or not and wedding date or not.)

What would they have benefitted from being engaged for that nine months compared to that they were happy together that nine months? In addition, there might be reason why they cannot be married sooner. Monetary issues, family issues (her parents are abroad so they might want wedding where also parents can attend), or any other reason and I know some people think that one should be married in a certain time after engagement. (I think in olden times there used to be a law in my country that you should marry within 1 year and 1 day of your engagement. While it is not anymore, some still think that long engagements are not their way to go. Some will think nothing of engagements lasting for several years.)

Public proposal would not be for my liking, but as OP was very happy with this, I see no reason to be sad about this.

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gellchom January 9, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Rick is stunningly childish. There’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t badmouth him, and don’t try to help him in his relationships with others, either.

Now, YOU be a grown-up, too. Obsessing about one person’s negative and obnoxious response to the point where it “quickly turned [you] into an angry, hurt person,” in your own words, isn’t obnoxious and doesn’t hurt anyone else but yourself and your fiance, but it’s sort of junior-high-schoolish. You’re mature enough to become a wife; be mature enough to let other people be what they are and not get sucked into silly dramas over nothing.

Do yourself and your fiance a huge favor and just forget about the incident and Rick. If he grows up and learns to behave himself in the future and you want to resume the friendship, fine; if not, that’s his problem.

[p.s. - the thought that Rick might have a crush on the groom occurred to me, too!]

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gellchom January 9, 2013 at 2:46 pm

Ellen CA – I, too, am not a big fan of “spectacle” proposals. But I don’t think that it’s sad that they were ready to get engaged but didn’t officially do so for a few months. My son and daughter-in-law did the same thing. It really didn’t make a difference anyway. They’d known for some time that they would eventually get married, but the time wasn’t right yet for various reasons (such as being in universities in different cities), and they didn’t want to be engaged for years and years. It really didn’t make much difference; they got married the same time they would have no matter when they made the engagement “official” — quotes because it’s really only a social status, not a legal or religious (at least in our religion) one, anyway. I think that exactly the same thing is going on with my daughter and her boyfriend now. They plan on marrying sometime in the fairly near future, and they are already talking about possible wedding dates, but as she doesn’t want a super long engagement, they aren’t getting “officially” and publicly engaged yet, either. I don’t think it will change the length of time they happily plan their future together. In fact, I hope that that won’t stop after the wedding!

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ArtK January 10, 2013 at 12:32 pm

First off, congratulations! That proposal sounds like a lot of fun.

I agree with Admin, that you’re letting this man-child have far too much space in your head right now. I do realize that it stinks to find out that someone you thought you liked, and liked you, would do something like this. It really says a lot about Rick and absolutely nothing about you or your DF.

Let this one go. Respect his wishes and give him the cut-direct. You’ll never be able to trust him again, so it’s no big loss.

On production proposals: I’m fine with those, as long as everybody involved is ok with it — of course, if you’re proposing and you *don’t* know that your intended would like it, then you probably shouldn’t be proposing! I’ve never bought into the idea that people should always remain in the shadows and keep everything private. That’s why I like proposals like these, and I like flash mobs. We’re social creatures, not solitary ones.

On being “not engaged”: I do find it somewhat silly for a couple to act as if they were engaged, fully intending to be married, but avoid the “engaged” label because one particular event hasn’t happened yet. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck, even if you want to call it a sparrow. That said, I don’t give it anything but a slightly raised eyebrow.

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Daisy January 10, 2013 at 12:42 pm

Admin is corrrect, as she most often is. She came close to advice my father gave me long ago: “Never wrestle with a pig. When that happens, both of you get dirty, and the pig really enjoys it.”

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"OP" January 11, 2013 at 10:51 pm

Thank you for all your comments. I am happy to see that I was doing exactly what you’ve all recommended. We have not spoken about the situation with other friends but they have found out through Rick and have made their own decisions on the situation without our input. We have also tried as hard as we can to let it go as he clearly wasn’t a friend in the first place, to either of us. I just am a very empathetic person and feel badly when I may have inadvertently hurt someone (though I realize this wasn’t my fault) and I wanted to make sure I was handling this situation in the best way possible.

In terms of the public engagement… I didn’t think it was something I wanted, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Having the ability to have my parents and best friend part of the experience meant the world to me.

Thank you for all the congratulations and words of encouragement.

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Angel January 12, 2013 at 10:44 am

What a strange thing to have happen on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion! OP your fiance has it right by not wanting to give in to his former friend’s childish behavior. And telling you both to not contact him until after the new year–in email form– is just idiotic and disrespectful. Presumably he has known this friend for a long time, he would have enough respect for a face to face confrontation. I hate email for stuff like this–it should be used for business or short exchanges only. Same with texting. OP please don’t let this experience ruin a happy time in your life. Being engaged and planning a wedding is a very exciting and often fun time. And remember if your fiance is not going to allow this miserable person to ruin it, neither should you! Best wishes!

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GleanerGirl January 13, 2013 at 12:03 am

If Rick wants to act like a big baby, who thinks the universe revolves around him, let him. Do just as he says, and don’t contact him. If he wants to be friends again, he will contact you. If he doesn’t, then he wouldn’t respond well to your contacting him, anyway, unless, perhaps, you contact him with a groveling apology, the promise that you will never put anyone else above him (including your fiancé), and probably he’ll want a big, expensive gift, too.

Seriously, focus on the good, and ignore the bad. And if you don’t complain to others about Rick’s behavior, you’ll look much better in the eyes of the friends who WILL find out. David, who was cc’d on the message, can talk about it to all the circle of friends, and they’ll know who was right and who was wrong.

And congratulations on your engagement!

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ellie January 16, 2013 at 6:56 am

I honestly think that Rick may be jealous and he just wants attention. And until now, he has succeeded in ruining what is supposed to be a great experience, shared with friends and loved ones. Rick doesn’t seem that great of a friend and I think it may just be a blessing in disguise. Look at it this way, at least you know that you will be sharing your wedding day with people who actually care about you.

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