Dueling Wedding Plans

by admin on December 12, 2012

I worry that I may be a paranoid bride…..but I’ve never been paranoid about anything before and my fiance agrees with me on this story. I would love to hear people’s thoughts on this and any advice would be great!

I work with a girl (we should call her Jane Day). Jane is in her mid 20′s and I am in my early 30′s. She became engaged last spring. Being that we are in the same department, I took her out to lunch and listened over the next few months to her wedding plans (always saying I liked everything she was picking, because it was “her” wedding. Plus, it will be beautiful). She picked a date a year and a half from when she got engaged.

Fast forward to the end of summer, when my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. I knew my day was coming, but I was waiting patiently for him to pick when. When he did and she saw my ring she pointed out that her ring is bigger. That was my first WTF moment. I couldn’t believe someone would do that. For all I know my ring is a better stone – I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Mine was picked out by the person I am going to marry.

Since we already lived together and wanted to start a family quickly, we decided to get married this winter. When I told her our date, she exclaimed “You’re getting married BEFORE ME?!?!”. I laughed it off, thinking she was kidding.

When she saw my dress, she claimed it wasn’t my style and I should have picked another dress. After it was bought and paid for….. After a couple remarks like this (three strikes you are out!), I stopped discussing my wedding with her. Which is sad, because I will still listen to her ideas and issues she’s having. I would like to talk about all the fun we’re having too.

If another coworker asks me about my wedding, I do share things we’ve picked out or are doing. But somehow she’s hearing things. For example, I had a small issue with one of the bridesmaid dresses (which was fixable, but more of an annoyance than anything) and she came up to me and said, “I heard your dresses are all messed up. I’m SO glad I bought mine at (big name bridal store). I won’t have the problems you are having.” I pointed out that it wasn’t really an issue, just something that took some extra time and it only annoyed me. She laughed at me and turned and walked away. It was one of those WTF moments. Another one, she heard the color of our flower girls dresses (the color compliments the bridesmaids). She came up to me and said it was a bad color for little girls….huh?? It’s not like its sequins and scarlet feathers or anything.

The most recent thing is she heard we’re not having cake – neither of us like cake very much, so we’re doing a fancy tiramisu as that is something we both like (he took me out for that on one of our first dates because it was his favorite. He then learned it was mine as well). Our guests can have the option of either (wouldn’t be polite for us to be the only ones eating the fancy dessert). She came up to me last week and told me it was wrong I was doing this and it went against “convention”. In the nicest way possible, I told her I didn’t care what convention said – people could have their cake or tiramisu! Or both! Or none at all! I didn’t really care as long as people had fun and were glad they came to see us get married.

She’s invited to the wedding (as I couldn’t not invite her when I am inviting everyone else form our team) and I can only imagine what she’ll say when she sees the invites don’t include registry cards. She thinks it will cut down on phone calls to her and her family if they include it. I kept my mouth shut, but I feel its just me telling people to buy us a present. We have a lot of stuff already because we’re older. If people buy us a present – great. If they don’t and still come and eat dinner, drink our booze and eat both kinds of dessert – great! They probably had a really great time at our wedding.

My question is – Am I crazy? Is she out to deliberately attack my wedding?? Did I somehow fall into a Bridal Wars trap? Is this just an issue of maturity? Am I over thinking this? Any advice on what I can do? I can’t really go to our boss or HR, as she’s marrying the son of one of the owners. Should I just grin through it for the next year until her day is done and hope things go back to normal? Or maybe we’ll both end up PG at the same time – we’ll probably have some awesome throw downs with those hormones….

Thanks in advance! 1130-12

I interact with a lot of brides who think a wedding must have specific elements in it for it to be a wedding.   What results are cookie cutter weddings because they think the bridesmaids must all be in the same color and gown style, that they must have a traditional wedding cake,  they cannot possibly consider taking photos before the wedding and god forbid the groom sees her before the wedding.

Any time someone harshly critiques someone else’s personal choices,particularly about things that in the grand scheme of life really are not important, it means they themselves are insecure about the choices they have made.    Or she could simply be very competitive and without realizing it, she has turned this into a Battle Of The Weddings.  There can be no competition if there is nothing for her to compare herself to so maybe keeping plans to yourself would be helpful.  The question I have for you is, why is your happiness and contentment in life dependent on the opinions of this woman?   If you are secure and happy in your choices, this should roll off your back while you listen to her with bemused interest.   And once she leaves your presence, you mentally flush her comments away.   Don’t let her live in your brain rent free.

If it’s any comfort, my own daughter’s wedding did not have a wedding cake.   We provided a regular sized coconut cake but the main dessert was pies.  Apple, pecan, pumpkin and German Chocolate.    My daughter made a special apple pie and that is what they cut and served each other.   There were many individualistic elements to their wedding which surprised some guests and at least one vendor who assumed I, with my 15 years of wedding planning, would host one blow out of a traditional wedding.   Far from it!

{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }

ferretrick December 12, 2012 at 8:42 am

“Blah, blah, blah, criticize, criticize”
“Thank you for your opinion” said coldly, turn around and walk away.

“Blah, blah, blah, b****** put down of you or your choices.”
“Why would you say that to me?”

“Blah, blah, blah, competitive, insecure, my way is SO MUCH BETTER” comment.
“I’m glad your choices make you happy, but they aren’t for me. Good luck with your ceremony.” Turn around and walk away.

Yes, you are overthinking this. She’s an unpleasant, insecure person who can’t stand anyone else getting the spotlight. It’s just that simple. It’s really kind of pathetic, so concentrate on that and don’t waste time brooding on her nastiness. Just enjoy your happiness. Good luck with your nuptials.

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Enna December 15, 2012 at 6:39 am

I don’t think the OP is overthinking it – it’s unpleasant to have some dig at you in this way and the OP does mention that the colleague is marrying a son of one of the owners so the OP feels she can’t got to HR over it. Maybe this woman is having power/control issues? Due to who she is marrying she feels that she can boss the other person around? The OP might be concerned that if she does say anything then the woman might try getting her sacked.

What I would say is if it gets worse then OP might have to go to HR for example if the woman starts emailing her at work with things. That kind of proof would be hard to dismiss. But mainly I do think this person is just being silly and she is going to show herself up. It’s unpleasent to deal with.

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Enna December 15, 2012 at 6:40 am

P.S it might be an idea for the OP to kindly and politely point out that she has always liked the other woman’s ideas, just because she doesn’t copy them doesn’t mean the OP’s ideas are bad or inpropper – after all she wouldn’t want the OP to COPY her would she? Because that would be creepy.

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Another Laura December 12, 2012 at 8:51 am

My cousin and his bride had a wedding Whoopie Pie. They had a big one for them, and small ones (with different flavors of filling) for the guests. I thought it was a nice individualist touch. (Incidently the church they got married in had two aisles, so they each came down an aisle at the same time to the “Lucy and Linus” theme from Peanuts). There were a few other cute non-trad touches. The groom and groomsmen were barefoot. An older flower girl or jr bridesmaid brought in the little flower girl and two small ring bearers in an radio flyer wagon. Instead of a unity candle they couple made a unity painting.

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AMC December 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Now that sounds like a fun wedding!

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Lo December 12, 2012 at 8:52 am

As a former bride, the primary lesson I have taken from the wedding planning experience is that if someone is going to veer off into crazyperson territory, it’s going to be while planning their wedding. I live in a culture that encourages this. It may sound pessimistic, but it’s true.

Because I left 99% of the wedding planning to my fiance, I did not have to deal with a lot of the last minute stressors, breakdows and meltdowns that lots of people seem to go through. I did, however, have to deal with other-peoples-very-important-opinions, unwanted advice from those who had been married and was concerned I wasn’t doing it correctly, and one shellshocked vendor who seemed to assume I was going to throw a fit due to a small and inconsequential mistake that both my fiance and I just laughed off.

What you’re describing is exactly as Admin pointed out, someone who is insecure in their own choices. Who cares who gets married first and how big the stone is? I bet she wouldn’t if she weren’t planning her own wedding, but now she’s in the thick of it with stress and pressure so she’s probably second guessing herself and every other wedding related thing that’s crossing her path. Sorry you have to deal with that. She’s also probably trying to assert her dominant authority as to what’s proper at a wedding as a way of reassuring herself that she’s doing right in her own wedding.

My mother is not obsessed with details, yet she second guessed everything we were planning to the extent that she would judge everything on whether she’d seen it done before and we simply had to stop telling her anything. When my cousin got married and had an unconventional ceremony, my mother, who had up till then been a strict traditionalist, came back raving about all the new and interesting things she’d seen and wanted to somehow incorporate into ours.
My own fiance got so hopped up on planning our wedding and so convinced of his own expertise from the intensive time spent in planning that he seriously considered changing his profession to work in the wedding industry. Of course that idea went away as soon as we were done with the whole thing.

Weddings make people crazy. You just have to sit back and wait for the madness to pass.

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Shoegal December 12, 2012 at 9:09 am

Admin’s right – it really doesn’t matter what this woman’s opinion is and yes, you are over thinking this. This all wedding drama and unfortunately, it happens to everyone about some issue or other. Weddings are very political and EVERYONE has an opinion. But – We are all human and can’t help if our feelings get the better of us. Right around my wedding, my co worker’s daughter was getting married soon after. My friend told me all about what they were planning and I listened secretly comparing what was chosen to what I had. I turned it all into a competition between their wedding and mine in my head. I didn’t voice my opinions out loud – just said that it all sounded nice to my friend – and afterwards told him what a lovely & wonderful wedding he had thrown for his daughter. I wasn’t the only one comparing, however, when he told me how my own DJ was a bad choice and how there weren’t enough rolls at the table at my wedding. I had been careful not to say anything derogatory about his daughter’s wedding but he felt free to criticize mine to me. Years later, believe me, I could care less about what he said. I was pleased and happy with my own day and that is all that matters.

I have to comment on the registry cards in the invitation – that is beyond tacky.

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Just Laura December 12, 2012 at 9:26 am

We didn’t have a cake either, as my husband doesn’t like cake. We did put out many different petit fours, as I think those are so cute, and are to consume without making a mess.

When a less-than-kind person said, “But how can you call it a wedding if there’s no cake?” I responded that I didn’t want my wedding to look like every other wedding, as such repetition grows dull. She shut up. (Of course, that’s not to say I have a problem with wedding cakes. I certainly don’t.)

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No Wedding December 12, 2012 at 10:50 am

“But how can you call it a wedding if there’s not cake?”
“Um, because we got MARRIED?”

I am a big fan of cake, but the reception is NOT what the wedding is about!

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Cat December 12, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Shall we just think that her new husband intends to smash it into her face and all over her lovely dress as that seems to be becoming part of a “traditional wedding”? Many people seem to think that’s what the wedding cake is really for. I don’t know if you could do that with tiramisu.

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Puzzled December 13, 2012 at 5:49 am

Ha! When we got married, I asked my husband ahead of time not to smash cake in my face. His response? “Who does that, are you kidding?”

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Library Diva December 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

My cousin just got married and had an absolutely lovely wedding. In lieu of the stereotypical three-tier wedding cake, they had a large tres leches cake (in a nod to groom’s Dominican heritage) and big platters of cupcakes. But it was not any sort of centerpiece (though it looked beautiful). They didn’t have a big cake-cutting that everyone was supposed to watch, and it wasn’t even in the same room as the dinner. They also didn’t have the bouquet/garter toss (which I’m also skipping. I feel they’re asking for trouble and there won’t be many single people at my wedding anyway).

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Just Laura December 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

Oh yeah, definitely didn’t have the bouquet toss (mine was made of Swarovski crystals), and no garter. I always feel bad when the single people are called out at other weddings (whether they want it or not), and didn’t want that to happen on my special day.

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June First December 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Got into a months-long argument with our DJ about the garter toss. He was also a college friend of ours and kept trying to convince us to do it. Hearing “no” repeatedly didn’t seem to change his mind. Somehow got through to him, since he didn’t attempt it at the reception.
His reasoning behind it: he has a regular shtick for the garter toss, complete with sexual innuendo and using the best man as a chair for the bride. “Everyone loves it,” he told us.

Our guests seemed to manage without it.

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Jessica December 25, 2012 at 10:15 pm

my mum made bouquets out of pearls and swarovski crystals. She spent hours making them but she lives in a country town in Australia and when she took them to the markets many people said ‘ god how tacky’ and ‘oh how awful’ and such. It hurt my mum, I could tell. I thought they were lovely!

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Bint December 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

Someone bought us a wedding cake as a present to force us into doing the cake-cutting. We had already told her we didn’t like it, didn’t want to do it, it was totally not like us, and that I’d made a traditional cake to be cut up and given out. She wasn’t happy. Enter the CAKE, as we were told it was *expected* we would cut that one in public.

We thanked her profusely and cut it on the dance floor to applause, but I still wonder at someone so controlling of what they think someone else ‘should’ do at their wedding. Nor did it change our perspective. We thought it was naff, it felt it, it looks it in the photos. Still, no harm done and it made her happy!

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AthenaC December 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

Nothing to do with the story, but when I saw the title, my mind immediately started playing the piece, “Duel of the Fates” from the Phantom Menace soundtrack. Does that happen to anyone else?

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No Wedding December 12, 2012 at 10:50 am

Now I’m hearing it! LOL.

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Cat December 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

The other bride is trying to turn this into a competition with herself as the winner of the good taste and expensive wedding division. I find the best way to deal with this sort of person is to let her-give her her head and let her run, as we say about horses.
You need a co-conspirator who can gossip behind your back to your rival in weddings. Let your imagination run free. Nothing so outlandish that she’ll catch on, just enough that she’ll feel she’s won.
For example, your ring isn’t really a diamond; it’s a fake, but you are so embarrased that you let people think it’s “real” . No registry card? Why, I have heard that they are going to be sending out bills to everyone who returns the rsvp that they will be attending. Those who can’t make it will receive smaller bills since they don’t have to be fed, but a gift/money will still be expected.
Don’t talk about your wedding to her. “Oh, you don’t want to hear about that! It’s going to be nothing compared to yours!” Insist, indeed demand,to hear every detail of her wedding and gush over it. If you refuse to race, she cannot win.

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Harley Granny December 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

It’s basically a matter of….I am no longer the center of attention for MY DAY!
So I’m going to make you pay for taking the attention away from me.

I actually bought my wedding dress while I was there with a friend to buy her’s. She actually spotted it and encouraged me to try it on.

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Mel K December 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Harley Granny pretty much said what I was going to say. She’s no longer the center of attention and someone must pay.

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Jen December 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

I think the OP here has the right attitude. The best way to deal with someone like this is just to ignore them. She’s spending a lot of time thinking about your wedding and trying to compare the two, rather than focusing on her own wedding. It’s a waste of time and is just plain silly.

Just keep ignoring her – Wedding tiramisu sounds awesome. A lot of the “must haves” – fancy wedding cake/sit down dinner/etc. are the most expensive elements of a wedding – I don’t think that’s a coincidence – there’s a lot of money to be made convincing people like your co-worker that if she doesn’t have these expensive things, there will be something wrong with the wedding.

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Jay December 12, 2012 at 10:20 am

Wow, is that woman ever insecure!

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Cora December 12, 2012 at 11:33 am

I have to wonder what would happen, the next time she comes up to you, if you looked her straight in the eye and said, with utmost unruffled calm, “Why are you so invested in comparing our wedding plans?” And keeping looking her in the eye, not saying another word, until she replies. You don’t have to be mean; on the contrary, the no-agenda cool calm is the best way to handle it, and her. Her response, whatever it is, would speak volumes — but please don’t give a damn what she thinks. You and your fiance sound like really great, generous people who understand that a wedding is a personal celebration, not a gift grab or a Broadway show. It’s her heart attack; let her have it.

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Elizabeth December 12, 2012 at 11:59 am

I like it.

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Mel K December 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Yes. This. Just flat out confront her with it.

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2browneyes4 December 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

Who cares what this insecure harpy thinks?? She is obviously of the bitter, demonic kind that cannot be happy unless she is making someone else unhappy.

I wonder if her marriage will be better than yours or will even last?? Given her demonstrated personality traits, probably neither.

Focus on your commitment to your intended and have a blast at your wedding!! Best wishes to you!!

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AS December 12, 2012 at 11:42 am

I’d understand someone (apart from your fiancé) having objections to the trivial choices that you make at your wedding if. You haven’t even chosen the same person to marry! Isn’t it obvious that tastes would differ between people to person?

When we had started planning our own wedding, we realized how “cookie cutter” the expectations for the wedding are. We just decided not to stick to any “conventions” and apart from the absolute essential parts that would make us legally married, and would take care of the comfort of guests, we changed almost everything to suit our needs. I didn’t even wear the “traditional” white or pastel colored dress. We were lucky that everyone – family, friends, vendors, our wonderful officiant, and everyone involved were very supportive of our ideas. In fact, many people liked it a lot and told us so; and if anyone didn’t, they didn’t let us know! I guess we are lucky to have wonderful people around us.

Maybe at your wedding, you should seat her with some friends who can keep her from gossiping. If you are not planning to have seating arrangements, request someone or a couple of friends to keep an eye of Jane Day.

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AS December 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

OOPS! Sorry… I meant to say “I don’t understand” not “I’d understand”! GOSH! I changed the whole meaning of the sentence!

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Kendra December 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Ok, I have to ask….so what did you wear? My imagination is fluctuating between a Don Knotts polyester mint green pantsuit and a Mary Ann (Gilligan’s Island) bikini top and short shorts.*

Yes, I’ve been watching that cable channel that plays all the 70′s shows a lot lately. I need to pick better television.

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AS December 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

@Kendra – no, nothing so exciting! :)
I just picked a fancy bridesmaid dress in red colour. There have been some comments saying that white is the traditional colour, and we cannot identify the bride if she does not wear white, etc. But guess what – no guest had any trouble identifying who the bride was! And my now -DH knew exactly how I looked!

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June First December 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

My bridesmaids picked their own black cocktail dresses. I heard a lot of, “But nobody will know that we’re bridesmaids!” until I threatened to make them wear sashes with BRIDESMAID embroidered on them.

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Kate December 14, 2012 at 7:28 pm

My bridesmaids are wearing the exact same colour, but a different dress because I wanted them to pick one they really liked. I did get one comment of “but how will people know who the bridesmaids are?”. Um, they’re the two girls up the front standing next to the bride?

Kendo_Bunny December 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

My best friend was married in dark blue, trimmed with white. She looked gorgeous, and she correctly pointed out to anyone who raised an objection that blue was a far older tradition for brides than white.

And yes, everyone quickly figured out that the woman next to the man in front of the preacher was the bride. :P

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KiKi December 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Though our wedding has a lot of traditional elements, I don’t listen to people who criticize our non traditional choices. We don’t have a big budget, so we’re only doing minimal flowers. I get shocked looks from people when I describe my centerpieces as nonfloral for the most part. I got questioned because I hired someone I know as a photographer for only a few hundred dollars instead of thousands. I’m not having a videographer because I trust my memories and we just don’t want to pay a lot for something we’ll only watch once or twice. We’re not doing a limo or a champagne toast. All of these little things have made it possible for us to spend more for the things we really wanted like a choice DJ and good food. Still, people have their ideas of what they believe is a “must have.” I just ignore them and remember that most people will forget most of the details of a wedding shortly after leaving. Think back to a few of the past weddings you’ve attended and you’ll find that’s true. Just do what you want and have a good time. If you’re happy, chances are the guests will be just as happy.

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Cat December 12, 2012 at 8:13 pm

You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders. For people who want to tell you what you “must have”, tell them the only thing a bride “must have” is a groom and you’ve already got him.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

You’ve got that right, Cat. Well, a groom, an officiant, and a marriage license, but yeah. The rest of it is just decoration.

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Bint December 13, 2012 at 11:10 am

Yeah, we spent our money on the food and the band. No video, no photographer, cars, florist etc. Didn’t miss any of them. In fact, my sister did a wee video and it’s hilariously awful once the dancing starts. I’m glad I didn’t pay to watch myself yowling along to Abba, waving my arms like a windmill, and my husband’s efforts are so embarrassing he can’t even watch it.

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Ellen December 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

“Don’t let her live in your brain rent free.” Exactly. I smell a Drama Queen spoiling to make drama where there is none. The problem with the suggestions above to confront or call out her wierd behavior, is that she will most likely jump at the opportunity to escalate a confrontation. Obviously she spends a great deal of time talking behind your back with your co-workers about your wedding – any response you give her will be Feeding the Trolls.

The most useful phrases I picked up during The Onslaught of Other People’s Opinions that comes during an engagement and/or a pregnancy, were “Really? Huh.” and “How about that?” or “You don’t say?” You have acknowledged that a human being is speaking, yet they are completely devoid of opinion, response, or material that a Drama Queen can latch onto.

If she is bored enough, she will look elsewhere for her drama.

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Colleen December 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

OP — your wedding sounds awesome, and your attitude great. When my husband and I got married we took the traditions that we liked, tossed those that we didn’t, and focused on throwing a great party for our guests. We got a few comments about our choices and our response was always “at the end of the day all that matters is that we are married”. That usually stopped any further critique. And after the wedding, all we heard was what a great time everyone had.

I do think maturity has something to do with it — I tend to think younger brides focus on “this is what a wedding SHOULD be like”, whereas the older you get the more you realize it’s the marriage that’s important not the color of the bridesmaids dresses. In any case, continue to not compete with her and enjoy your planning and day to the max.

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Lady Macbeth December 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

It puts me in mind of one of the most practical lines in “Friends,” when Monica argues with Chandler about how much money will be spent on their upcoming nuptials. In the end, after Chandler relays his thoughts on how he sees their future together, Monica relents on her big, expensive plans, stating “No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.” It was both sweet and matter-of-fact.

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Laura C. December 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I can predict what she will do at your wedding. She will spend the time telling your co-workers how much better her wedding will be, while being oblivious to her co-worker’s and her fiancee’s annoyance. A former co-worker did this at another friend/ co-workers wedding (which was lovely, one of the nicest I’ve been to.). Her poor fiancee looked so embarassed. From those who went (I missed it for some reason), her wedding was just ok.

Also, as for the cake… bring on the Tiramisu. Most wedding cakes are pretty but not very tasty. If there is a vienniese hour (common where I live, think dessert buffet), there are lots of pieces of the cake left over.

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Maggie December 12, 2012 at 9:20 pm

” Her poor fiancee looked so embarassed.”

One could imagine a wedding being called off when the fiance sees the other side of his BTB. Just saying…

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Ashley December 12, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I feel OP’s pain. Every person I know who is getting married or has gotten married has faced this to some degree. It’s actually making wedding planning quite difficult for my fiance and I because we’ve come across so many vendors who just CAN NOT seem to handle the fact that we don’t want a standard cookie cutter wedding. Friends and family are 99.9% okay with it because they know us as a couple, and they know we are NOT a cookie cutter couple. It’s a bit harder to let vendors comments roll off because if they can’t even handle the fact that we don’t want flowers or that my dress is red, or that our first dance is to a heavy metal ballad, then how can I trust them to just hush and do their jobs without trying to talk me into something else?

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LovleAnjel December 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Keep looking for vendors. The vendors we got were delighted that we did things differently – a black wedding dress, bridesmaids in black, Nightmare Before Christmas cake (the baker watched the movie for the first time with his kids to help figure out the design), dancing to The Doors (the DJ was excited that we listed A Perfect Circle and Megadeth songs). They are out there, and they are so worth it!

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Kate December 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Someone else who’s had A Perfect Circle at their wedding! I thought I was the only one!

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Lady Macbeth December 13, 2012 at 12:08 am

What an awesome wedding! Especially since it involved my favorite color for clothing and accessories – black – and an always aesthetically fun theme – Nightmare Before Christmas!

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Ashley December 13, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Oh we intend to keep looking but I have a feeling we’re going to have to relocate our wedding to a larger city south of here to even find a DJ who has even HEARD of any of the bands we want. I wish I was making this up but seriously, the vendors in and around my home town just flat out cannot process anything we are saying to them. I even had one vendor say to me, upon hearing that my dress was red, “Red? For a wedding dress? Isn’t that a bit….slutty?” Yeah, we got up and left. It’s really hard to be a nerdy heavy metal couple in this town. I can’t wait for all the weird looks we’re going to get when we ask about hauling in a set of TARDIS doors for the wedding party to walk through when we all get introduced.

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WillyNilly December 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I just got married in October. I wore red, all of our music was rock and punk, our wedding party was welcome to wear whatever suit or dress they wanted, our centerpieces were $30 (norm around here is $200+ each!), we didn’t have an MC announce any dances or our entrance or anything, we had a friend (singer in a punk band) as our officiant, we drove ourselves, DIY invites, and had no videographer, etc. So many people doubted and vendors pushed, but we just shrugged and did it our way. We focused on it being a great party for our guests – and thank goodness because we were pulled in a billion directions, we wouldn’t have noticed so much if we’d planned too much. But noticing everyone was having fun, wanting to be everywhere across the room with all of our guests because everyone was having fun, was awesome. And no one had a hard time figuring out which ones were bride groom despite no tux and a red gown! And the dance floor was packed to hard rock!

Keep looking at vendors, and be vague while remaining sure of your self. At the end o the day, this is probably the most expensive party you will ever throw – throw the party you actually want to throw, not the one people try to sell to you. If you look the vendors you want are out there. We ended up hiring a guy we knew who had the system, etc – we found it was cheaper to just buy him the required insurance, and still pay him then to hire any of the DJ companies, and we got exactly the music we wanted. I went to a fancy dress store not a bridal store for my dress – the sales women were used to selling colored dresses, so red was not so glaring.

NotCinderell December 19, 2012 at 8:18 am

If red is slutty, every bride in China and India is a slut, and I don’t think they are…

Noodle December 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I never understood why vendors feel they should have an imput on the specifics of a couple’s wedding. Whether or not the wedding is cookie-cutter, they’re still getting paid. I had a wedding in Shanghai and I had three dresses–two were white with a lot of red accents and one was completely red and ordered from the bridesmaid line. I ended up having to order them online because the one store that sold that particular dress designer in the middle-sized town my mom lived in at the time balked at the entire idea. She lost out on a lot of money.

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NotABride December 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Would it work to simply say “I’m sure your xxxxx will be beautiful” to everything she says? If she criticizes your flower girl colors because hers are better, just say “I’m sure your flower girls will be beautiful”. If she criticizes your cake (or lack of cake), just say “I’m sure your cake will be beautiful”. If she’s just ranting generally, just say “I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful”. Don’t actually respond to her in any specific way about your wedding, and don’t address her questions or criticisms in any way except to say “I’m sure your xxxx will be beautiful” and then change the subject to something unrelated to weddings. It sounds like you’re responding to her so it’s nonconfrontational and professional at work, but you don’t have to defend or even discuss your wedding choices with her.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

Oh, yes! This!

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Ellen December 14, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Another great non-reply. And very polite.

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confused December 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

This is my favourite suggestion so far.

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AMC December 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

You aren’t paranoid. Your coworker sounds snarky and jealous. I can understand how that would make you feel crummy. Here you are planning something special and meaningful, and she comes along to tell you how you’re doing it ALL WRONG AND HERS IS BETTER! RAWR! She can’t stand sharing the spotlight so she turns her own wedding into a competition and tries to tear you down at every opportunity. Annoying as it may be, try not to let her get to you and prevent you from enjoying your wedding day. (It sounds like it’s going to lovely, btw!) Let her stew in her own insecurities. Try not to divulge too many details in the office, and when she brings it up, bean dip like crazy. Congrats and good luck!

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Katie December 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Totally agree with this! I’d find that really annoying, too. I’d just try to avoid her as much as possible until the wedding. Good luck with your own plans- you sound really nice and I’m sure your wedding will be lovely.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:16 am

LOL! After reading NotaBride’s comment above, I now start laughing right out loud whenever I read anything even close to “your XXXX” will be lovely.”

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Angel December 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Does anyone else have the urge to just make up outrageous things just to mess with the co-worker? Like “I am planning to ride sidesaddle on a white horse down the aisle to meet my hubby-to-be” or “My bridesmaids will be wearing burnt orange dresses with black birdcage veils” or “There will be face-painting and a clown to make balloon animals.” Just a thought lol.

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Another Laura December 13, 2012 at 8:42 am

I had a similar thought. Maybe like some of the details of Ross and Rachel’s “wedding” from “Friends” (in case you haven’t seen this episode, Ross’ parents told all the guests at their anniversary party that Ross and Rachel got married, since Rachel is pregnant with Ross’ child, so when people ask them about the wedding, they make up elaborate details). Married on a cliff in Hawaii…veil made by Belgian nuns who went blind making the lace-”they said it was worth it”…famous photographer…famous singer…you name it.

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Angel December 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Laura LOL! They went blind making the lace! That’s pretty awesome too. Seriously though with people like this, making fun of them is often the only way to keep yourself sane. Admittedly I had a very traditional wedding–we added a few personal touches like flaming bananas foster, and a cappucino bar, but other than that, it was your typical wedding reception, church ceremony, and all that. That’s what we did because that’s what we wanted! However, I have been to weddings that were completely polar opposite of my own, and not only had an awesome time but got great ideas for parties in general that previously I had never thought of. Wedding details are so small and often you don’t remember them years later–but if your wedding makes you and your groom feel great, reflects the two of you as a couple and brings together your nearest and dearest–that is what you will remember. While it’s important to make the guests happy too–the highest priority here is the couple. Isn’t that what the wedding should be about?

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Hanna December 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

People are entrenched in tradition and don’t even know it. Church has a certain order to it, school graduations are always the same, the same food is always served during the holidays. We are brought up in our society to accept schedules, organization, and traditions–over and over again until we are blind and numb and don’t realize that these things aren’t written in stone, they can be done any way your heart desires. But tell that to some people, and they will go stock raving mad about it. Weddings are no different, people assume they all must be done the same way or you aren’t even really married. Some people don’t like surprises and want to know what’s happening at what time. So to tell someone you are doing something different confuses and confounds them and they reply in the only way they know-by being sarcastic, snarky, or mean.

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Kate December 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I would just try to ignore her (as difficult as it is to ignore a co-worker), leave the room when she starts up with a snarky remark, and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you don’t feel the need to put others down to feel better about yourself and your wedding.
I honestly do not understand her attitude. Insulting your wedding is not going to make her own any better. Perhaps she is one of those brides who thinks she does not get a wedding day, but a wedding year and the fact that you are also getting married is infringing on her *special time*.
An acquaintance of mine made a similar comment about my ring, something along the lines of “I’d never accept something that small!”. Guess who’s not invited to the wedding?

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:22 am

Actually, I’d rather have a small ring than a big one. Big rings catch on everything, are mugger-magnets, and just generally impractical. And since I won’t marry for money, if my man can only afford a small ring, I’m not going to refuse him until he “makes his fortune” and can afford a big one, or worse, goes into debt to buy a big ring he can’t afford.

And besides, if my man can afford a big ring, but buys a small ring, instead, he could use the money to afford the honeymoon of my dreams! Now THAT is, to me, worth spending the money on. Jewelry is just decoration, but the honeymoon is bonding time and memories that will last a lifetime!

So, if someone told me that my ring is too small, I’d reply, “Yeah, isn’t it great! My fiancee got me JUST what I wanted! We’re gonna have breakfast with Pooh and Tigger!”

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Kate December 13, 2012 at 9:06 pm

My thoughts exactly. I’m a teacher – you use your hands all day long in my job and a huge ring would just be impractical. My ring is exactly what I’d always wanted (well, I did help him choose it) and I’d rather be engaged now with a less expensive ring than have to wait years to be able to afford a pricier version of what I currently wear.

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Ellen December 14, 2012 at 3:14 pm

The answer to that of course, is, “I wasnt’ accepting a ring, but a proposal.”

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NotCinderell December 19, 2012 at 8:22 am

Let me guess, said acquaintance is not married/engaged. I find that people who belittle someone’s ring as small are engaging in a bit of sour grapes.

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inNM December 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I don’t think anyone else has said it, but why are you inviting her to your wedding? I foresee some drama with Ms. Jane, and you don’t need drama on your wedding day. Your wedding is about having the people you want, around you as you embark upon the next stage of your life with the person you love. Jane is clearly showing she doesn’t know how to act appropriately. I hope I am not cast in e-hell for this, and forgive me if I am acting naive, but I would revoke her invitation, because she doesn’t add anything positive to your life or your wedding day. The only other option I can think of is having someone (bridesmaid, mother of the bride) on her like white-on-rice on your wedding day, and the first time she acts up (which would also be the last time she acts up in your wedding), she is immediately removed and banned from the festivities.

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AMC December 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

I groaned out loud when I read that she was invited. Ugh. Unfortunately, if she’s already been invited verbally or in writing, I’m afraid OP is stuck. Assigning someone to keep tabs on her and run interference is going to be the better option.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

It’s business politics. Other bride is marrying the owner’s offspring AND the rest of the team was invited. Two traps that really can’t be avoided without quitting the job. No, she has to invite her.

Now OP just needs to find a viable means of handling her at the wedding. Normally, I do not advocate for making your guests work, but perhaps enlisting the aid of some very suave guests to “handle” her would be good. Seating arrangements would be very useful here. Spare the other bride the embarrassment of making a fool of herself in front of her co-workers. She probably will be just as insecure at the wedding, and say snarky things. But if she is stuck at a table with people she doesn’t know, who are both forewarned and discreet, she can then rest assured that her snarkiness will not get back to her co-workers and later prove embarrassing. In fact, you might even let the other groom know (after the fact) that you chose those table-mates specifically to protect the couple. After all, her behavior is wrong, but it is also common enough to be both understandable and expected.

And when her wedding is over, and things are back to normal, they may very well be quite grateful for the way you saved them from embarrassment. Yeah, it’s annoying, but it could allow for a good friendship, once she matures somewhat. If her competitiveness in this is her only problem, then she’s likely to be a nice enough person. And it never hurts to get in good with the offspring of the owner.

Ah, aren’t office politics fun? I’m so glad I’m not messed up with them, anymore.

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Enna December 15, 2012 at 6:52 am

Provided the person doesn’t do anything really outrageous before the wedding e.g. something that could endanger someone or she could be disciplined for or dismissed for at work or arrested for . I went to one wedding party where someone got really drunk, the person had fallen out with the bride’s sibling before and when the sibling was carrying the cake knife the drunk person took it off the sibling and made stabbing motions towards the sibling! If I ever get married I won’t be inviting that drunk person to the wedding.

If this person carries on behaving irrational after she is married and thinks this is okay to boss people around because who she has married the OP might want to look for another job.

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Leigh December 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

@Angel & @Cat—I want to hang out with you guys; you think a lot like me. I’d want someone to start a rumor that my wedding might be featured on one of those “My big-fat-tacky-wedding” specials on Lifetime. “What? You mean you aren’t having the groomsmen wear camo? The bridesmaids aren’t wearing tube tops and flip flops? Why?” (Not that either of those things couldn’t somehow be part of a lovely ceremony, just that the other btb would have a fit at such an idea.)

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Cat December 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

You would have loved my brother’s wedding. We bridesmaids wore baby blue evening dresses from an inexpensive department store ($38.00), straw beach hats, and bright pink, woven straw bedroom mules. It was what they wented and we went along with it happily.

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Kinita December 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm

My husband and I had enough traditional touches to make the old folks happy but enough touches that were us. We didn’t have a wedding cake either–we did four different flavors of cupcakes and the guests loved them. I refused to do the garter/bouquet thing and instead of cutting a cake, we jointly smashed a wedding cake-shaped piñata. It was the hit of the wedding and even adults were out on the floor trying to score candy!

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AMC December 13, 2012 at 10:06 am

A cake shaped pinata! I LOVE that!

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June First December 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Pinata?! I am disappointed I didn’t think of this!
Instead of cake, we had cake bites, sugar cookies and a “cutting cake” since my groom wanted to do the traditional cake cutting.
However, our cake and cake bites were chocolate with caramelized bacon on top.
Yum!

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KitKat December 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Go for whatever you want/what makes you and SO happiest. I’m also all for “nontraditional” because really, everyone’s different.

Point in case: My brother and SIL had quite a few “nontraditional” things for their wedding. SIL doesn’t like cake so they had a table of favorite cookies (their’s, parents, and grandparents) and fed each other one of their favorite cookie in lieu of cake. They had a cookie table (unusual where the wedding took place). My family also made enough cookies to feed an army and SIL’s family got in on it too. There also was an accidental flashmob to a song that meant something to the happy couple (the flashmob was the bridal party’s fault) and that set the mood for the rest of the night; people didn’t leave the dance floor unless they wanted to talk or grab a quick drink. They had a “wedding bus” that left from my family’s city and traveled to SIL’s city and then acted as a shuttle to the reception and later that night as a shuttle to the hotels.

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Dallas December 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

girlfriend has some serious issues. who knows with an attitude like hers, her big day might not happen. and if it does, marriage may be doomed. she has that need to have the “one up ” on everyone and everything. she is marrying in the high ranks which tipically breed drama in young girls her age. you do know that she is that little girl who has been dreaming too long and looking through too many magazines, etc. about the big day, right? now that she has one in sight…..watch out it’s bulldozing time. you are a woman. she is a kid who happens to be 20. put her in time out. my wedding would be off limits to her. period! tell her that her witch’s broom is kicking in the corner. she won’t get it.

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Kate December 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm

That was my thought, too. We all know how annoying it is to be friends or colleagues with someone who goes Bridezilla. Imagine being the person MARRYING the Bridezilla (or Groomzilla as the case may be).

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NostalgicGal December 13, 2012 at 3:48 am

Amen. Do what you want.

I have dealt with a lot of ‘alternative’ weddings, of friends, relatives, and clients. If it’s making you happy, go for it. It’s your wedding. As long as you have the license and an officiant to do the legal parts, it’s a wedding.

Many moons ago when I was first married, I started working at a place to make the ends meet and the roof stay over our head. One gal there was P’ed majorly that I had a bigger stone (my wedding band and solitare were soldered together into one ring) and she was about one year into her two years of planning her BIG DAY. I was on her sh*t list because of my diamond… then. A good friend of mine was going to go (rennaisance theme, short explanation) weddng with a green and gold brocade dress and I was drafting the pattern and sewing it. OH (DELETED) that was so NOT a wedding that she was totally shocked and just incredulous that that that… was so not a wedding. Did I mention she was working there just to have mad money for the honeymoon? Anyways, I quit talking to her about anything wedding and about 2 months later she’d gotten so snotty and ‘only her wedding mattered’ that she got fired. Then she could have all day every day to do her planning. (post mortem the marriage lasted like five months, mine’s over 30 years and going, and that friend, she’s making 29 soon)…

I sewed for brides. I got tired of It’s My Day And It’ll be MY Way no matter how many times I change my mind and 3 weeks worth of work can be done by tomorrow and it WILL BE FREE, all of it, my fantasy wedding is Exactly What I’m Entitled to, hear me WORLD?

I made jewelry for brides. See above. It’s in writing, I have four signatures agreeing that that MATCHED the bridesmaid dress colors, you owe for it and no refunds or returns as in contract.

I have performed services. Standing in a snowbank in a mountain glade in winter at 9000 feet while the moon rises and your four pet wolves are honored guest/witnesses just so you can have what you want, I want to see the wolves get supper and my honorarium in cash first please. And yes I won’t drive thirty five miles out for this in January unless I’m paid that much. (see above for the refrain) (and my mantra, a full wolf is a happy wolf)

OP, you have the caveat that you’ll be done first, don’t let Boorella the Bridezilla rain on what you want. Enjoy and I wish you the best of luck.

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Spuck December 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

I don’t think the OP’s happiness and contentment in life are deponent on the opinions of this woman. On the other hand she would probably also like to have a civil conversation with her co workers about her wedding without her co-worker immediately chiming in with a negative or a critique. The OP can’t help if he is in a situation where she has to guard her words if someone is constantly going to be a Debbie Downer. I can understand how it could get exhausting after a while.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

“Well, isn’t that nice?” said with a simple smile and patience. Take the wind out of her sails, and refuse to compete.

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June First December 13, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I’d be tempted to go to the person who’s leaking your wedding info to Crazy Coworker and ask her to stop. Or leak her misinformation, as noted in previous comments.
Or listen to her crabby monologue about how you’re doing everything wrong, pause five seconds and say, “Are you finished?”

Of course, if really wanted to mess with her, let her give a diatribe. Then, when she pauses for breath, say, “I’m sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind. Can you run that past me again?”
She really seems like she needs an audience. Don’t give her one.

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Carla December 17, 2012 at 2:54 am

You know, no matter what kind of wedding she thinks you should have, OP, it’s not as if you’ll be somehow less married than Herself, when all is said and done. Don’t let her get the best of you! =)

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Cheryl December 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

In this situation, I wouldn’t have invited this jealous person to my wedding. You may have somewhat discussed this with her but due to her comments and WTF moments you have encountered, I am sure no one would blame you from not inviting her to your event. As long as you are happy, and there is nothing tacky like a money dance invovled then who cares. I do like that you recongize that have registry cards in the invitations is tacky but so is she. This person is jealous of you with your timing of her wedding and the simple fact that maybe you are further along in your planning than she is may also be a point of contention. Have fun and your wedding will speak volumes over hers that is the best kind of “revenge” one can have.

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Margaret December 20, 2012 at 12:32 am

Your wedding is before hers, right? Anytime she criticizes your choice and tells you what she is doing instead, your should say, “That’s a great idea! I’m going to use that for my wedding!” Because you know the only thing that will make her crazier than you having your wedding first is you having HER wedding first.

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FYI December 22, 2012 at 12:02 am

Bemused means confused, not amused or entertained. To be bemused by something is to be perplexed. Why would she listen with confused interest? It also means lost in though, and I suppose that could work, but then she wouldn’t really be listening, would she?

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