I worry that I may be a paranoid bride…..but I’ve never been paranoid about anything before and my fiance agrees with me on this story. I would love to hear people’s thoughts on this and any advice would be great!
I work with a girl (we should call her Jane Day). Jane is in her mid 20′s and I am in my early 30′s. She became engaged last spring. Being that we are in the same department, I took her out to lunch and listened over the next few months to her wedding plans (always saying I liked everything she was picking, because it was “her” wedding. Plus, it will be beautiful). She picked a date a year and a half from when she got engaged.
Fast forward to the end of summer, when my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. I knew my day was coming, but I was waiting patiently for him to pick when. When he did and she saw my ring she pointed out that her ring is bigger. That was my first WTF moment. I couldn’t believe someone would do that. For all I know my ring is a better stone – I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Mine was picked out by the person I am going to marry.
Since we already lived together and wanted to start a family quickly, we decided to get married this winter. When I told her our date, she exclaimed “You’re getting married BEFORE ME?!?!”. I laughed it off, thinking she was kidding.
When she saw my dress, she claimed it wasn’t my style and I should have picked another dress. After it was bought and paid for….. After a couple remarks like this (three strikes you are out!), I stopped discussing my wedding with her. Which is sad, because I will still listen to her ideas and issues she’s having. I would like to talk about all the fun we’re having too.
If another coworker asks me about my wedding, I do share things we’ve picked out or are doing. But somehow she’s hearing things. For example, I had a small issue with one of the bridesmaid dresses (which was fixable, but more of an annoyance than anything) and she came up to me and said, “I heard your dresses are all messed up. I’m SO glad I bought mine at (big name bridal store). I won’t have the problems you are having.” I pointed out that it wasn’t really an issue, just something that took some extra time and it only annoyed me. She laughed at me and turned and walked away. It was one of those WTF moments. Another one, she heard the color of our flower girls dresses (the color compliments the bridesmaids). She came up to me and said it was a bad color for little girls….huh?? It’s not like its sequins and scarlet feathers or anything.
The most recent thing is she heard we’re not having cake – neither of us like cake very much, so we’re doing a fancy tiramisu as that is something we both like (he took me out for that on one of our first dates because it was his favorite. He then learned it was mine as well). Our guests can have the option of either (wouldn’t be polite for us to be the only ones eating the fancy dessert). She came up to me last week and told me it was wrong I was doing this and it went against “convention”. In the nicest way possible, I told her I didn’t care what convention said – people could have their cake or tiramisu! Or both! Or none at all! I didn’t really care as long as people had fun and were glad they came to see us get married.
She’s invited to the wedding (as I couldn’t not invite her when I am inviting everyone else form our team) and I can only imagine what she’ll say when she sees the invites don’t include registry cards. She thinks it will cut down on phone calls to her and her family if they include it. I kept my mouth shut, but I feel its just me telling people to buy us a present. We have a lot of stuff already because we’re older. If people buy us a present – great. If they don’t and still come and eat dinner, drink our booze and eat both kinds of dessert – great! They probably had a really great time at our wedding.
My question is – Am I crazy? Is she out to deliberately attack my wedding?? Did I somehow fall into a Bridal Wars trap? Is this just an issue of maturity? Am I over thinking this? Any advice on what I can do? I can’t really go to our boss or HR, as she’s marrying the son of one of the owners. Should I just grin through it for the next year until her day is done and hope things go back to normal? Or maybe we’ll both end up PG at the same time – we’ll probably have some awesome throw downs with those hormones….
Thanks in advance! 1130-12
I interact with a lot of brides who think a wedding must have specific elements in it for it to be a wedding. What results are cookie cutter weddings because they think the bridesmaids must all be in the same color and gown style, that they must have a traditional wedding cake, they cannot possibly consider taking photos before the wedding and god forbid the groom sees her before the wedding.
Any time someone harshly critiques someone else’s personal choices,particularly about things that in the grand scheme of life really are not important, it means they themselves are insecure about the choices they have made. Or she could simply be very competitive and without realizing it, she has turned this into a Battle Of The Weddings. There can be no competition if there is nothing for her to compare herself to so maybe keeping plans to yourself would be helpful. The question I have for you is, why is your happiness and contentment in life dependent on the opinions of this woman? If you are secure and happy in your choices, this should roll off your back while you listen to her with bemused interest. And once she leaves your presence, you mentally flush her comments away. Don’t let her live in your brain rent free.
If it’s any comfort, my own daughter’s wedding did not have a wedding cake. We provided a regular sized coconut cake but the main dessert was pies. Apple, pecan, pumpkin and German Chocolate. My daughter made a special apple pie and that is what they cut and served each other. There were many individualistic elements to their wedding which surprised some guests and at least one vendor who assumed I, with my 15 years of wedding planning, would host one blow out of a traditional wedding. Far from it!