When the Wedding Date Changes Drastically

by admin on December 11, 2012

What do you think about wedding date changes after setting a date for a year then changing it without consulting anyone in the wedding? I am in a wedding with a pretty important role where the date has been set for about a year, and just recently the couple decided to change it to 4 months earlier. The problem is that in the month they chose to set it, many of us, including guests, family, and wedding party members, had either bought tickets/were planning on going overseas for vacation. This month is a particular month that all of us leave every year together, and the couple knew this, yet still changed their date. Is it wrong to feel like they just don’t want us at the wedding? Shouldn’t they have at least asked us what we thought about the date, considering we had all made plans for a year now for the original date? When telling the bride that I didn’t think that would be a great date because many people have already arranged to be out-of-town, including immediate family, she replied with “well that’s the date now, and if you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well”. I just feel like they’ve expected us to put our lives on hold for so long and when we’ve already made arrangements in our lives to make sure we’re all available for their wedding date, they should’ve at least asked the wedding party/immediate family if the new date was okay for us/them. We have lives, too, and they don’t circulate around a wedding. 1210-12

First, you cannot control what other guests will do in response to this change in date so focus solely on how you will address it.

You are correct that the world and calendar does not revolve around the wedding and if plans have been made to travel and tickets bought under the premise that the wedding date was not going to interfere with vacations, then you and others guests have acted with due diligence to honor the original date.   Changing the wedding date to one that now conflicts with many travel and vacation plans is not a reason for guests and family to jump through hoops to accommodate this change.   It would be beyond rude for the bride to have an expectation that guests and family must now scramble furiously to change plans solely to attend her wedding.  But that’s not what is happening here.  The bride appears to have a nonchalant approach to whether her guests attend or not.

I would call her bluff and decline to attend the wedding citing priory commitments you made for that new date.   I would say this, “When you announced your wedding date, I was happy to reserve that time frame on the calendar to be there for you.   But I also made my travel plans based on your wedding date and have now committed to those plans with time off from work, deposits made, commitments to other people, tickets bought (whatever applies in your situation) and to now change that would be quite difficult.   Therefore I must decline your kind offer of being in your wedding/attending your wedding.   I sincerely hope you have a lovely day.”

{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

ferretrick December 11, 2012 at 8:31 am

“Is it wrong to feel like they just don’t want us at the wedding? ”

I totally agree that you can’t be expected to rearrange your lives around the new date, and if you can’t make it, the bride has to understand that’s the price of changing the date. But I would advise you to try not to take it personally, or assume that you are unwanted. There’s no evidence that this is directed at you or anyone else to prevent your attending. There may be a very good reason why it had to be changed that the bride prefers to keep private for whatever reason. (I will agree that she could certainly have responded to your inquiry more tactfully, but I’m not willing to cast her into ehell on that small a lapse). Give the bride the benefit of the doubt, express your regrets that you can’t make the new date, and wish her well.

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Girlie December 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Her reason was that she didn’t want to stay engaged longer and wanted to shorten that period.. not the greatest reason to change but I guess to each his own.

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Vrinda December 11, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Girlie, are you the original poster?

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:46 am

Is she waiting to be married before having sex? Hormones are mighty powerful!

I’ve known a few people who eloped for that very reason. They simply couldn’t stand to wait any longer. It was no reflection on who they did/did not care about or want at the wedding. They were married, and that was all they cared about. The big wedding was more or less for their parents.

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Angela December 11, 2012 at 7:43 pm

agreed. That would be a pretty drastic step to take if your main reason was to change bridesmaids.

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MamaToreen December 11, 2012 at 8:54 am

This feels like a power play. However, not knowing the couple’s situation, as this may be an emergency, I can’t say for certian.

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Bint December 11, 2012 at 9:07 am

Yeah, I’d say it a little more concisely, “I’m afraid I can’t be in the wedding in that month so I’ll have to pull out.”

I would carry on with your existing plans and not attend if that wedding gets in the way of it. If you’ve paid deposits you can’t get back, I’d be very displeased and would let the bride know she’s cost me £x.

It’s her right to change her date, but I agree her attitude is pretty cavalier!

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Justin December 11, 2012 at 9:51 am

Maybe I’m just being cynical, but it almost feels like a gift grab bait and switch. Move the date to one where people can’t come, cut the guest list, and hope for lots of gifts.

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Meegs December 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

I guess I don’t understand what the problem is. She is not demanding anyone change their plans based on the new wedding date. She is saying whoever can make it, great, whoever can’t oh well.

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Powers December 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

It’s a bit rude to say to someone — someone whom you had asked to participate in your wedding — that it’s not important if she cannot come. “Can’t come? Oh well.” That doesn’t strike you as rude?

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

As opposed to “WHAAAATTTT!? How dare you not change ALL YOUR PLANS to accommodate MINE?” We’ve seen that so many times that her “oh well” is quite refreshing, at least to my taste.

She’s like the anti-zilla. Does that mean she doesn’t care, or that she has a pressing enough reason to change the date (four months EARLY – bad for planning a big todo) and she simply can’t spare the energy to fuss over whether or not people can make it. She’d like them there, but if they can’t make it, they can’t make it, and her being a jackass about it won’t make them change their plans, so she’s being stoic.

I’m often on the “jump on the person” bandwagon, but on this one, I’m all of the “benefit of the doubt” school. This just strikes me as a situation where there was some sort of emergency, and she wants to keep quiet about it. She may tell you later, if you are supportive now. Don’t take offense.

Strictly speaking, moving the date is not actually rude. Inconvenient, yes, but not actually rude. It is allowed. If the notice is given soon enough that no one has lost any money from making reservations and putting down deposits for the original date, then the change of plans is simply sad, in that not as many people will be able to make it. It looks like most people have not yet put down deposits for the originally planned date, but they have for their planned vacations. No one is out any money, unless they choose to be.

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Meegs December 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

No, I see what you are saying but my point was that its not like she is demanding people change their vacation plans to accomodate her new date. She is willing to accept that some people might not be able to come due to the fact that she changed the date. So I can’t really call her unreasonable.

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2browneyes4 December 11, 2012 at 9:57 am

The Bride has resolved the matter and made that clear:
“well that’s the date now, and if you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well.”

Take this as an indication that the Bride has made up her mind and that she is okay with it if you don’t come. I’m sure the OP is thinking “well, down the road, she will find some reason to bring it up and hold it over my head that I did not come.” The OP can refer to the Bride’s statement as a point of reference for the Bride’s understanding that changing the date meant that some people would not make it.

I would send a gift, wishing her all the best and stating that I’d love to see the pictures when I return from my vacation.

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Amanda A December 11, 2012 at 9:58 am

This has happened to me twice, although I didn’t have a role to play in either wedding beyond a guest. On two separate occasions, weddings scheduled for the summer were moved to January, both the weekend of or right after my birthday, when I already had plans to be on vacation. It was crazy! I simply had to back out and send my gift in the mail.

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hakayama December 11, 2012 at 10:11 am

Count your blessings since you’ve found out, sort of accidentally, where you stand with the bride.
On a smaller scale, you probably will wind up saving some money too… ;-)

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Ashley December 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

I agree with Admin. Honor all your travel commitments that were made before the date was changed.

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LovleAnjel December 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I am wrong to think they went over budget, and that this was an easy way to cut down on costs?

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Girlie December 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

No planning for the wedding has begun yet.

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Angel December 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I agree with the admin. Just tell the couple you can’t do it. If enough people back out of attending, they will have nobody there but the two of them. Maybe that’s what they wanted all along :)

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Gena December 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm

This does make me wonder if something happened to change the date. Other than that, the brides attitude would certainly not compel me to jump through hoops to change my plans.

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Girlie December 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Nothing happened, she just decided she wanted a shorter engagement period. There has been plenty of drama we’ve all learned to deal with because the groom is our family member so we wanted to support him in whatever makes him happy, but it’s sort of become more about the wedding as an event than the marriage itself.

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Justin December 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I find that even more frightening. I was engaged to a woman who had placed all focus on the wedding and our relationship quietly fell apart in the background. She held the belief that the vows fixed any problems, I held the belief that the vows affirmed what you already had. We never made it to the wedding.

The wedding is one day, the marriage is an investment of time, love and compromise, you get out of it what you put in.

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AthenC December 11, 2012 at 8:36 pm

The only situations I’ve heard of where people want to get married RIGHT NOW because they “want a shorter engagement period” are:

1) They are “waiting”; or
2) Positive pregnancy test

In either one of those situations it’s understandable to move the date up but not tell anyone the real reason why. Not the most considerate thing to do, but understandable. Either of those situations apply that you know of?

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Lizza December 12, 2012 at 1:13 am

To be honest my first thought was, “I wonder if the bride found out she’s pregnant?”

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T December 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

That was my thought! I felt bad even thinking that, but my first thought was to wonder if 4 months earlier would prevent the bride from appearing pregnant.

CJ January 8, 2014 at 6:14 am

My fiancé and I have recently decided to also move our wedding date up because we found out we’re expecting. Its too early to tell people why we’re changing the date. So maybe there is a reason why she wants the date changed and just can’t say right now. If you can’t make it I’m sure she will understand. Didn’t sound like a flipping out like a bridezilla. Not worth damaging a friendship.

--Lia December 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

You had me at “if you can’t make it, that sucks.” Until that moment, I was thinking about what the bride must be up against, what would have made her change the date, how accommodating friends need to be when the bride is under pressure and has a lot of people to think about and coordinate between. But being told “that sucks”? I’d tell her “I’m so sorry. I just can make it on the new date and wanted to be sure I told you so you could make other plans.” I wouldn’t give any more explanation than that. As for the plans you already made for the original date, all you can do is make the best of it. If you can’t get refunds for the flight arrangements you’ve made, vacation in that city.

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Cat December 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Agreed, if you had planned on being there at the original date given and the happy couple decided to change it, you won’t be able to make it. Time to send them a nice card, wishing them all the best and every happiness. Use the money you would spent on a gift, travel, wedding attire, etc. as spending money on your vacation and enjoy yourself.

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bloo December 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

This may not be a bluff, but a sneaky way to cut down on wedding expenses and have have a much smaller, simpler wedding. Help her out and let her know you can’t make it, OP. I can understand being hurt that it would appear she doesn’t care to have people attend much less be in the wedding, but apparently her vision has changed about her wedding. Roll with it by shrugging and sending your regrets and best wishes

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gellchom December 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Actually I think that the OP is making this a bit too much about her. She doesn’t specify what her “pretty important role” is — I’m guessing attendant of some sort — but really, the only important roles whose attendance is required in a wedding are Bride and Groom. After that, I’d say immediate family — it would be making quite a statement to choose a date you know your parents can’t attend — but not even officiant, as that could be substituted. Not an attendant, though. I know they often have to work hard and spend extra, but at bottom attendants are simply glorified guests.

I agree with the admin that it would be wrong if the bride were demanding that everyone reschedule things to accommodate the new date — and also that she isn’t doing that.

It might be inconsiderate to change the date if people had already bought airline tickets for the original date, or arranged their vacation schedule at work and can’t rearrange it now, but that, too, doesn’t seem to have been the case here. The issue is the OP’s already having other plans for the new date.

Nor does she say that she has already paid for a bridesmaid dress or anything that she now won’t be able to use.

The OP doesn’t tell us the reason the couple changed the date. There may be a very good reason.

Look, any date that someone chooses for a wedding other than a very small one is going to be inconvenient and even impossible for SOMEONE. If the original date had been bad for you, OP, would you still be writing this? Unless you had laid out some money or otherwise inconvenienced yourself to accommodate the first date, this isn’t really all that different from if they had just chosen the new date in the first place.

“Shouldn’t they have at least asked us what we thought about the date, ” you asked (twice). Well, to what end? Did you expect to have veto power? Suppose they had asked you, and all the others that you think will have conflicts, and you told them of your situation. Would they then be obligated not to change to the new date?

Anyway, you DID tell her that, when she told you of the new date, and you gave her your opinion that it wasn’t a good date, and why. Did you expect her to change her plans then? What is the functional difference between that and asking you “what you thought,” unless you expect them to have to accommodate your preference?

I agree that it is a real annoyance, and it does present you with a tough choice. I hope that the couple gave everyone the information with apologies for any inconvenience it could cause, not just oh-by-the-way — the OP doesn’t say one way or the other. Whatever you do, you do it in a way that acknowledges the feelings of others. But that’s how the decision is presented; in the end, the couple had every right to change their date, including to one that a bridesmaid might find inconvenient or even impossible.

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Girlie December 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I am the person in the wedding who “marries” the couple, sort of like their sponsor (ethnic wedding). If the original date had been bad for me, I wouldn’t have whined, I would have tried to move things around since I would have known at least a year ahead about the original date and since we all knew for a while they would be getting engaged, we waited around for a date. The original date was fine for me when it was set a year ago. We are all a close family, so since the date had been set for a year, we all went ahead planning our summer that we plan almost every year in the same month, and the couple knew that. I don’t expect her to change her plans, but some consideration for everyone’s life plans would have been nice, since I am in an important role, close to the groom, and have a life outside of their wedding.

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Bint December 12, 2012 at 4:40 am

Yes, and if the bride had decent manners, she would understand that this would impact on those she had asked to participate, and would acknowledge that when she told them. Her attitude is blase to the point of being very rude. “well that’s the date now, and if you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well” to someone who has an important role, and who has expected this to be happening *for a year*? That’s such bad manners.

I don’t see why the couple couldn’t tell the participants that they would like to change the date and would the participants be able to make X date. If the participants can’t, the couple are very sorry to lose them. It’s not about veto rights, it’s about courtesy, and the total lack of courtesy here just screams that the OP isn’t important to them or their wedding. Classy.

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Kimstu December 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm

If the bridal couple explicitly asked their future wedding party members and guests to save a specific date for their wedding (and especially if they know that some people have already made plans based on attending that wedding on that date), then when they announced the date change they should certainly have apologized for the inconvenience.

Polite bridal couples treat it as an honor and a compliment for their friends and family to make the effort to share the celebration of their special day. Significantly changing the wedding plans (whether due to circumstances beyond their control or simply at a whim) means extra effort and/or cost for at least some of the guests. Of course the couple are perfectly entitled to change their plans, but they should definitely express concern and regret about the difficulties the change may cause for their guests.

But the Admin is quite right that it’s not the LW’s place to take them to task about this. Either politely accept the change of plans or politely decline the revised invitation, but don’t attempt to argue against the change on grounds of etiquette.

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Library Diva December 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

While I agree with admin that you shouldn’t eat the cost of nonrefundable tickets and cancel all plans to make this wedding, I also think that for the sake of your family or friendship, you should try not to read too many ill intentions into this. There could be a million reasons why it’s been drastically moved up. Maybe the bride is pregnant and her due date coincided with their previous date, but they are choosing not to tell everyone yet. Maybe there is someone important on the groom’s side who is very ill and not expected to make it that long, or will be going in for surgery on the previous date. Maybe the venue has “surprised” them by announcing they’ll be closed for renovations.

It’s possible that the bride’s comment was spoken out of frustration, not nonchalance, and that she’s not terribly thrilled about this change, either. Tell her you can’t be there, send a gift on par with how you feel about her, and let go of any bitterness. Planning a wedding can be incredibly frustrating, and while I’m not saying that she and the groom get a pass on any bad behavior they engage in up until a few weeks after the big day, try to find it in your heart to cut her a little slack at least.

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Girlie December 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I am in the groom’s family, no one is pregnant, ill, nothing coincided with the other date, no wedding plans have even started… they just say they want a 1yr-8month engagement instead of 2 years.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm

That’s what they *say*. That is rather random, though. I’m inclined to believe that there is a reason, but they just don’t want to talk about it.

Some things are so personal (or even embarrassing) that you don’t even want to tell close friends and family, until it’s necessary.

Maybe she had a bad dream, and took it as an omen, and thought that moving the date would save them from a bad fate. It may seem silly, and people would make fun of her if they found out, but she could truly believe it. Many people take astronomy quite seriously, and want to align their big events with certain stars. So, who knows? It might be something that means a lot to the couple, but if they try to tell people, they’re afraid they’ll be laughed at.

Maybe they found out that they’re going to have to move for work (military deployment, perhaps?) and they don’t want to move and marry the same week. Maybe the move would be very upsetting to the rest of the family, and they don’t want to upset everyone before the wedding, so they’re keeping it quiet until they can’t avoid it.

Maybe the bride got some bad news from her doctor, and she needs to move the wedding because of that, but doesn’t feel comfortable sharing that news with a family who may react in a way she does NOT need right now.

There really are any number of reasons it could be. People are rarely so random as to change a good date to an inconvenient date without a good reason, even if that reason is not expressed.

Maybe this is all a way of avoiding some family drama that would happen if Aunt Jo and Uncle Todd are both able to attend on the originally planned day, and short of eloping, this is the only way the couple could think of to “disinvite” those two, without actually being so rude as to withdraw their invitations.

Maybe there was some secret abuse from some family member that just HAD to be there, but they realize now they simple cannot face, and are hoping that Uncle Chester will be far, far away on vacation on their happy day. You would be surprised the lengths people will go to in order to protect a secret molestation, even within their own family. For one thing, there is the fear that the family would side with the molester, rather than the victim. That victimizes the victim twice, and they would rather tick off everyone than actually face that second victimization. It happens. Some people on this board can tell you from personal experience.

Please give them the benefit of the doubt.

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Lola December 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Why do you care so much about OPB (other people’s business)? It’s their wedding, to do with as they please. If you can go, go. If you can’t go, don’t go. They have their own little world, which doesn’t revolve around you, just as yours doesn’t revolve around them.

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Vrinda December 11, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Lola, why do you have to be so harsh on the OP? She was asked to be in this woman’s wedding at a certain date, they changed it to a time when they knew the OP and others would be going on their vacations, and then the bride gives some idiotic, callous remark: ““If you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well,” and you say it’s the bride’s right to do as she chooses? They didn’t consult anyone about the date and change, and with people planning so that they can be at that wedding on the original date, the OP has every right to care so much. This “it’s their wedding”, let them do what they want attitude” reeks of egotism.

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Lola December 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Vrinda, what’s egotistical is presuming a guest should have any input whatsoever into other people’s wedding date.

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Girlie December 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It hasn’t been so much about the date, but more about how much she showed that she just didn’t really even care if we were there or not. I wasn’t saying that I demanded they change it back, I just wish there had been some respect and consideration upon that we have lives, too, and that a change of date for no good reason would’ve been met with better if at least they had discussed it and shown some type of empathy. It’s just the polite thing to do considering we are going to be spending a lot of money, time, and energy.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I agree, they could have shown more compassion and empathy when announcing the news. No matter their reasoning, it caused inconvenience, at the very least, and forced some people to make choices for which they were unprepared. “I’m sorry but we’ve had to change the wedding day,” would have helped a lot, huh?

Just two words, but they make a big difference.

Tracy December 14, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Lola, when someone asks you to officiate at their wedding, the wedding becomes your business.

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LilLadyBug December 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

“If you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well” ??? I’m sorry but just because you are getting married does not mean you have the right to talk like that to someone you asked to be in your wedding. Too many people these days subscribe the theory that “it’s all about the bride” and “its her day” to excuse rudeness. If the bride genuinely cared about the OP she could have said something like, “I’m sorry about having to move up the date of the wedding. We did it for the following reason. Or we did it for personal reasons we’d rather not discuss. We hope you can still be involved, etc. ” It also wasn’t just the OP whose absence the bride seems to not care about but the entire immediate family who has plans to travel the month of the wedding. I wouldn’t feel wanted either if I was the OP.

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Ellen December 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I have to ask, for clarification, the wedding is going to be in the summer (as in, Summer 2013?) and the original date was 4 months later (Fall 2013), and the date has been “set” for a year already (so, the date was set in Winter 2011?)

That is a really, really, really LONG time to expect people to save a date – either the planners or the guests. I think it was unrealistic of everyone involved to believe that you can set a date in stone that far in advance and expect no changes from anyone. I also think that 6 months’ notice is ample time to change a date – do travel tickets even exist that are non-changeable and non-refundable with that much advance notice? While the bride’s choice of words was hardly elegant, I don’t think 6 months’ notice is unreasonable to change a date, and I don’t think it is unreasonable for a couple to realize that a two year engagement is too long for them.

If the family habitually vacations together in a certain month, perhaps the couple thought it would be easier for everyone to travel together? Or perhaps there are some family members who cannot take two vacations next year, so they hoped to make the wedding the family vacation?

Certainly it is your perogative to make whatever vacation plans you like, but it does seem a bit rigid to me, since you say you are very close with the couple, to be miffed over the change with this much advance notice.

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Spuck December 11, 2012 at 6:14 pm

If the bride and groom feel the need to change the date then they can change the date. All the OP needs to do at this point is send a letter wishing the love on their happy union and a message about not being able to make it if they can’t. A gift of any type does not need to be included either.

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Kate December 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I was sort of sympathetic towards the bride at first – the only people I know who brought their wedding date forwards unexpectedly did so because the bride’s stepfather was dying of cancer. However, it doesn’t seem like the date was changed due to something like that judging by the comments.
Don’t stress about attending, OP. You were told to make yourself available for a certain date and you did so, not to be available for a four-month period just in case.

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Jen December 11, 2012 at 9:39 pm

From Girlie’s updates it appears that there has been no planning yet – then how could they possibly have a now iron-clad date? I didn’t set my date until I booked the church and reception hall – we had a vague idea of what we wanted to do.

This reminds me of a cousin of mine who suddenly moved her wedding date up to a *Wednesday* five months earlier and scheduled it 6 weeks from then, at a huge expense to her parents. And, no, she wasn’t pregnant, there wasn’t a family reason on either side, or similar. And then she was mad at all of us because we couldn’t come. My mom said it was a power play that her brother and SIL (my aunt and uncle) accommodated.

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Harley Granny December 12, 2012 at 10:36 am

“This month is a particular month that all of us leave every year together, and the couple knew this, yet still changed their date”.

This is where I can see the OP taking the change of date personally.

It’s really a shame when these things happen.

Without pushing the issue, state what other’s have said. “I’m sorry, but I already have plans for that date that cannot be changed. I hope you have no problem finding a replacement.”

I hope the rest of the family does the same.

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GleanerGirl December 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

“If you can’t make it, that sucks, but oh, well”? Wow.

Then your response it, “I can’t make it. That sucks, but oh, well.” Send a nice card and remember that people who are in the throes of planning a BIG EVENT, such as a wedding, do not chop four months off that planning time lightly. Maybe they’re expecting an unexpected child, and actually want to be married first? Or there may be some other pressing reason to move up the date.

I’m inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt on that, particularly as the bride did NOT throw a fit about how everyone needs to bend over backward to make the new date. Actually, the attitude that it sucks, but oh, well, is pretty fair. She’d like to have you there, but understands if you can’t make it, and is actually owning the consequences of her actions, so good on her.

All in all, I’d say that as brides go, she is far from zilla-hood. While it is too bad you and many others can’t make it to the wedding, remember that what is most important is the marriage, and wish her well.

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gellchom December 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Re: “If you can’t make it that sucks, but oh well” — I agree that that seems like a rather cavalier comment. Much better would be to acknowledge and apologize for the inconvenience.

But I bet I know why she said it that way. We have all seen the wrath of ehell descending upon brides who expect others to organize their lives and calendars around their weddings. I have a feeling that this bride was trying to avoid that, and was bending over backward not to be be saying, “Now you all have to change your plans.”

The problem is that doing this in an effort not to say “You have to do what I ask” is that it can, as it has here, end up sounding like “I don’t care if you come.” It seems to come up a lot in destination wedding situations, when couples are so worried about not pushing people to feel obligated to spend $$$$ on travel plans that they go around saying stuff like, “Come if you can, don’t worry about it if you can’t, either way is fine.” No one wants to hear that their presence is so completely unimportant.

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Enna December 15, 2012 at 6:58 am

Was there a reason? E.g the bride finds out she is expecting and wants to get married before baby comes. All the couple have to do is say “due to unforeseen personal circumstances we have had to change the date of the wedding, we understand if you are unable to attend and are sorry for the inconvieance.” They wouldn’t have to go into great detail if they didn’t want to. Couples have to understand if they change the date then people may not be able to come.

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Daisy January 4, 2013 at 1:15 pm

I’m very late to this discussion, but would like to point out that we don’t always know everything that’s happening in other people’s lives. My cousin was to be married last September. She lives far away and making plans to attend was expensive but exciting. About a month after she announced the wedding plans, we received an email explaining that the wedding had been moved up to to the following month, that she regretted the short notice, and that she understood if people were unable to come. No explanation was given, and frankly I thought perhaps she had found herself in a family way. Her mother then followed up with an invitation to a family reunion for the original wedding weekend date. We were able to keep our original travel plans, so all was well. We sent our best wishes and at the appropriate time headed off for the reunion. The new bride and groom attended, and the first night they played a videotape of their wedding. As the bride’s maid of honour started up the aisle in the video, our newly-wed cousin lost her composure. It turned out the wedding had been moved up because her best friend of many years was battling cancer and was not going to make it to the original date. She was terribly sick at the wedding, and walked up the aisle for Cousin because she was determined to do it. She died less than a month later. Cousin and her parents had not given out details previously because it was simply too awful and overwhelming for them to do so. Not one single family member failed to understand or felt slighted. Sometimes it’s better to assume there are good reasons for people’s actions than to allow them to drive your personal little paranoia.

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