Cake Smashing Guest

by admin on August 2, 2012

My sweetheart and I were recently (3 weeks ago) married. We had a rather large turn out for our ceremony and reception, so it was a little more difficult for us to make sure that we greeted all our guests properly. I wish we would have had a better method of socializing, because I would have realized that we had a few uninvited guests. One of them being a foster sister of mine from many years back. She had heard through the grapevine that I was getting married, and assumed that she had “misplaced” her invitation. Now… normally I’m a very tolerant person, so I chose not to care that we had a few strays; However, in hindsight I wish I would have asked her to leave.

During our cake cutting, I warned my husband not to smash cake in my face. (I don’t know where that “tradition” started, but i think its tacky, and mean. Why would any bride spend 30 minutes on makeup just to have to wash it off and start over an hour later?) He was the utmost gentleman, and fed me the cake very sweetly. No mess whatsoever. I in turn fed him cleanly and sweetly. Just as we were smiling for our photographer, I heard her voice from behind me, “I can’t let my sister get away without cake on her face!” She then reached between me and my new husband, into our $$$ cake, scraped off a piece with her bare hand, and smeared it onto my face! The frosting (Chocolate) then dripped onto the bust of my gown, on my arm and onto my waist. The stain didn’t come out. It’s in most of the pictures.

I did not handle it well, or lady like. 0718-12

I have to admit that a cake smash of a family member would have tested my limits of good manners.   I, too, find them tacky, humiliating, juvenile and often manipulative (“Oh, be a good sport about it, I was only joking”).   I’ve told the story many times of standing by a cake table preparing to help cut and serve the cake only to witness the bride and groom smash their best man and maid of honor, sending Crisco-based cake icing onto an expensive rented tuxedo, a silk dress, the walls, the carpeting.  The entire room of guest tittered with laughter until they began to notice me standing there with a poker face.  At least 30 people came up to me later to inquire what was wrong with the cake smash.   Hmmm, let’s see….the best man and MOH are the butt of the joke, BM probably lost the deposit on the tuxedo since the icing needed to be dry cleaned out, the MOH’s expensive silk dress was now ruined, one of my staff would now have to wipe down the wall and carpet clean the carpeting creating more work for us.  It was an incredibly selfish, immature thing to do. I am still surprised years later that I had to explain that to people.

If I had been your mother, OP, I would have walked up to the cake smashing guest and told her, “Thank you for coming to the wedding but I do believe it is time for you to leave right now.   Let me help you gather your things.  Would you like an escort to your car?  I’m sure my son Quido would love to accommodate you.”

{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }

Cherry August 2, 2012 at 9:52 am

Oh dear. This wasn’t about “tradition” or “family”, this was about an attention hog who wanted to turn the spotlight on herself on someone else’s special day.

The decription of her “smearing” it down the bride’s face and how it ruined the wedding dress make me very glad this is one tradition that hasn’t made it over to the UK…

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Bint August 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

Lie in wait and live in fear!

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mechtilde August 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Thank goodness for royal icing…

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Lou August 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm

My intended saw that delightful tradition on something like 4 Weddings US and asked if we would be doing it on our wedding day. I can’t share my answer on an etiquette website but suffice to say he shan’t be doing anything with cake besides eating it nicely!

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Jenny August 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

I thought that horrible tradition had ended. I got married recently, as did many of my friends, and not a single person had the cake in their face, and no one even suggested it.

Thank goodness that fad is over with. Whoever came up with that stupid idea deserves to have ten pies thrown in their face.

Smashing cake into someone’s face is messy and mean. It ruins any pictures taken after that (fortunately, cake cutting it towards the end), ruins make up, dresses, tuxes (which may be rented), and could seriously hurt the person (cake in the eyes?). I never understand why someone would want a groom (or themselves) to do something so very mean to a bride or a bride to do something mean to the groom. My husband and I are silly people who had a lot of fun at our wedding, but that sounds like no fun for anyone.

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LovleAnjel August 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

I can’t imagine how the OP could have acted “ladylike” after an uninvited person put their hands *in* the wedding cake and slimed her with chocolate icing. At the very least I would expect a loud slurry of expletives to come flying forth from someone’s mouth. OP, it is not your fault for not having a receiving line. You would have noted her presence and probably let her stay. She would have slimed you anyway. Don’t beat yourself up about this – short of having her removed before the reception you couldn’t have prevented something like this from happening.

The rest of your family now knows why this person is not invited to anything.

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Lex August 2, 2012 at 10:09 am

Oh I loathe and detest this ‘cake smashing’ thing. That being said, it appears to be more prevailent amonst US weddings as I have never attended a wedding in the UK where the Bride and Groom even so much as feed each other cake, let alone smear it everywhere.

I would be horrified if my OH smashed cake in my face and ruined my dress. In the UK we have a more reserved approach to cake cutting – usually the Bride and Groom will pose with a decorative/ceremonial knife or sword (if Groom is in the armed forces) for photographs, they will then slowly and deliberately cut into the cake whilst posing together allowing guests to take photos. Once the slice has been made, the venue staff or caterers will remove the cake and cut it up away from the reception and return it pre-cut for guests to eat. We generally do not smear cake or even cut any for the purposes of eating during the ‘cake cutting’ – it is purely for photos and ceremony.

Of course there will always be variations dependent on the bride and groom, but generally, if a couple have adopted the ‘cake smashing’ approach, they do so knowingly. Otherwise a guest at a UK wedding would never assume or expect cake smashing as it is not something we do here.

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Wendy August 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

Oh, my sympathies! I can’t really blame you for your reaction at that point. While nothing may come of it, I think I’d be very tempted to send her the cleaning bill for the dress.

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Cat August 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

I would have had her arrested for assault. She was trespassing and attacked the bride. This is not “fun”; it’s masked hostility and anger. It’s probably the best day of your life and someone has to spoil your cake, your dress, and your pictures of your wedding.
I hope she went home wearing the rest of that cake.

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German Shepherd August 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I hope she went home wearing that cake too.

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inNM August 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

Whenever I read stories like this, I make a mental note to insert a line item for ushers and security into my wedding budget. Univited guests, wedding boors, and general disruptiveness makes this a necessity.

I also hated the face-cake-smash “tradition”, and thankfully, so does the boyfriend. If any guest decides to take it upon him/herself to smash cake on my face, I’d definitely take a page from the Admin’s book, but replace the word “Son” with “big burly steroid crazed security guard.”

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Kate August 3, 2012 at 1:08 am

Depending on your venue, they may include security in the wedding package as a legal requirement. My reception venue is on a fairly popular street, next to a bar, so there is always the possibility of people accidentally wandering into the wrong venue. I didn’t even think about security at first but apparently it is a requirement of the venue that door security is provided for all events.

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Just Laura August 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Dear OP,
I too despise cake smashing, and fortunately haven’t seen it in years.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It not only marred your day, but also spoiled your pictures. The voyeur in me is dying to know what you did to this horrid person that wasn’t at all ladylike.

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Belly August 3, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Me too, on all counts.
I admit, I’d be feeling pretty vengeful if I was the OP. I’d like to know that the cake smasher was punished for her abhorrent behaviour.
What a shame for the OP that her memories and photographs of her wedding day have been tainted by this *uninvited* spiteful and contemptible person.

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carig August 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

I agree that cake smashing is horrible. When I got married, I told my husband I did not want him to do it. I reminded him of that as we were cutting the cake. He and my father thought it would be funny, since I apparently told him “You WILL NOT smash cake in my face.” He took this as a challenge, and did so anyway. He still doesn’t understand why I am upset whenever it is brought up, even 7 years later. I don’t know what I would have done had a guest taken it upon themselves to smash me with cake. I doubt it would have been polite!

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Cat August 2, 2012 at 3:08 pm

If he’d have done that to me, he’d have spent his wedding night alone. Actions have consequences. If I tell you I do not want you to embarrass me in public and you take it as a challenge, you’ll find out that you don’t want to repeat that mistake.

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GleanerGirl August 11, 2012 at 3:13 am

If he’d done that to me, my first action would be to wipe the cake off my face (and probably dress), then firmly take the wedding license and get the marriage annulled.

He can propose again, when he’s ready to act as an actual husband, and not as a schoolyard “boyfriend.”

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bloo August 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I agree, Cat. I’d have said my goodbyes and left the reception ‘to get cleaned up’ and would have been MIA from the groom. Carig, have you noticed that your DH is disrespectful of your wishes in other ways? That is such a hostile act.

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Tandon August 3, 2012 at 8:08 am

I told my now-husband that if he smashed the cake in my face during our reception that I would have the marriage annulled on the spot. Luckily, he didn’t.

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Jenny August 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Can you run up the minister and say “Don’t file the marriage certificate!” if it’s that soon after the wedding?

My husband never, ever, would have done such a thing, but I think if I were marrying someone who showed that much disrespect to me two seconds into our marriage, I would have tried to tear the license up right away.

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Tandon August 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Our officiant came to our reception, so I would have just walked over and asked for the paperwork back.

There was no real danger of me needing to do so, but I wanted to make it 10,000% clear to my husband where I stood on this issue (to be fair, he agreed with me that cake smashing doesn’t fit in with our values, but he also likes to push my buttons in a very loving, teasing way). When we did the cake cutting, he twerked his eyebrow at me jokingly, but was very proper in the feeding.

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Mary August 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Good idea! Fortunately my hubby and I had the same feelings about the cake smashing. He would have ended alone that night if he done anything like that and would still be paying for it years later!

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--Lia August 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

It helps me think about this if I replace the words “cake smash” with “assault” and “willful destruction of property”. I wonder how well the tradition would continue after word got out that a few people had successfully collected on the bill for damages.

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Bint August 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Even allowing for cultural differences, this is one thing I have never understood. Smashing cake into someone’s face at a wedding? That’s disgusting. It looks disgusting on every image of it I’ve ever seen of it. It’s so juvenile it boggles my mind. To smash the MOH and BM in Admin’s story too! These people are unbelievable.

I’d never speak to someone again who did that to me. It’s just vile.

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manybellsdown August 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I guess if it seems funny to BOTH parties, well sure, it’s their wedding, go for it. I had a pair of friends who did it to each other (very casual wedding) and they were both in stitches and felt like it was all in fun.

But if your significant other cannot respect you enough to honor a stated wish against cake-smooshing, I think there’s very little hope for the relationship. And of course no one else is invited to randomly smash cake on anyone.

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Wim August 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Never heard of this tradition, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that our wedding guests won’t have either. Sounds like a very tacky way to ruin suits, dresses and friendships all in one go.

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Amanda Kate August 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I see nothing wrong with a cake smash if the people being “smashed” are in on it. Smashing someone with cake without their permission is cruel and immature, and that person should be sent all related cleaning bills.

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Cat August 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I cannot imagine an adult thinking this is fun. I have seen videos of adults smashing the faces of small children into their birthday cakes and then laughing at the crying child.
I recall that, during the winter of my junior year of college, I invited my parents to come up and to go on a picnic at a lovely local park. It was a three hour drive and, for some reason, they insisted on bringing my older brother. We unpacked the picnic food and drinks. He picked up the ice chest filled with water and ice, and poured it over my head. It was winter, I was soaked to the skin and had no other clothes. We had to drive back to my college so I could change. Brother was allowed to drive and I was in the back seat. All the way back, he kept turning around, pointing at me, and saying, “Tee hee, tee hee!”
By the time we reached my dorm, it was too late to eat and they had to make the three hour drive home. A year later, mother called and said they were going to Silver Springs for a picnic and I was to meet them there. I said I had to study.

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PM August 2, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Cat, between this and the restaurant stories from the other blog- why the heck does your brother behave this way? And why do your parents insist on bringing him with you if he ruins nearly every occasion and makes you his target for bullying and abuse?

Please excuse me if this is a rude question.

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Cat August 3, 2012 at 10:24 am

It’s not a rude question at all. I was thirty years ago before I took a class in abnormal psychology and realized that he is a sociopath.
I always thought he was just selfish and very spoiled until our mother died and we went to view her body at the funeral home. My brother walked over to her, grabbed her arm, waved it in the air, and chortled, “Hey, look! She’s soft!”
The notion of playing with a corpse, especially with the corpse of ones mother, floored me, as aware as I was of his behaviors. My father yelled at him to leave mother alone.My brother was shocked that Dad objected to his behavior.
It was only then that I realized this was far more than being a spoiled child. He was three days from his twenty-fourth birthday.
Sociopaths have no conscience. They love in the same way that a glutton loves lunch. All mother’s death meant to him was that he got a free vacation day to attend the funeral.
To meet him, he can pretend to be the most charming, understanding, compassionate, wonderful man you have ever met. It is only when he removes the mask that you realize it’s all a facade and the monster lies beneath.
I write of him frequently although I have not seen him in thirty-seven years. Other women may be in the hands of a man like my brother and wonder what happened to the prince they thought they had married/moved in with and now find themselves victims of his cruelty-for which he blames them. “If you were a better wife/woman, I would not have to hit you!” Perhaps they can understand how this happened to them and that it is not their fault.

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Cat August 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I just realized I answered only one of your questions. Why did my parents bring my brother knowing how he would behave? Two answers, really.
First, they were in denial. Mother would never admit publically that there was anything wrong with him. She always said that I had to let him do whatever he wanted to me because, if he did it to anyone else, he would have to go to jail. Her generation worried about “what will the neighbors say?’.
Second, anything he did to me he did not do to them. It was easy for mother, if someone noticed my torn clothes and bruises even in college, to say, “Oh, well, all brothers and sisters fight” with a dismissive wave of her hand. She could not very well say, “Well, all men beat their mothers and grandmothers.”
Dad was 5’6″ and 140 lb. and my brother was over 6′ and 300 lbs. Dad was thirty-six years older than my brother, and had a very bad heart so he fought only when he had to protect mother.
Children are not classified as sociopaths until they are adults. I think the new term for adults is disassociative personality disorder. I can recall my brother at age six screaming at my parents, “I’m in charge here! I’m in charge here!” and that was how he truly saw it.
Tell him he cannot have something, and he’d go get it anyway. Try to send him to his room or spank him and he’d be all over you-kicking, biting, hitting, clawing, screaming.
What do you, as an adult do? Use force to overpower him? Children and Families would charge you with child abuse. They found, as many parents of these children do, to let him do whatever he wanted. was the only way they knew to handle him. He refused to see a psychologist. Try to take him, he would get out of the car. He refused to see doctors and dentists by simply saying he would not go.
Mother justified my beatings as “You made him mad.” He learned that he was not wrong for beating and kicking people. They were wrong for making him mad so that he had to do it. So far he has beaten his way through two marriages.

PM August 4, 2012 at 10:00 am

Cat, I’m sorry your parents failed to protect you and used you as a human shield. I’m glad you haven’t seen him in 37 years. I really wish I could give you a hug.

meep August 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Cat, I think you meant Anti-Social Personality Disorder is the new term for sociopath/psychopath not Dissociative Personality Disorder (I think you were thinking of Dissociative Identity Disorder which is the new term for Multiple Personality Disorder).

Jen a. August 4, 2012 at 10:45 am

“I cannot imagine an adult thinking this is fun. I have seen videos of adults smashing the faces of small children into their birthday cakes and then laughing at the crying child.”

Cat, have you ever seen this video? It perfectly illustrates your point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DZdgkZ5E5c

Ugh, can’t get the link to work, but if you have a moment it’s worth a watch.

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Cat August 4, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I watched it. I bet that became a golden adolescent memory of how not to celebrate a birthday. How can anyone think that was funny?

Re: difficult childhoods. One thing about dealing with an abusive family, you either come out unable to cope with the world or you have faced the worst possible and lived to tell the tale and come out feeling that, whatever happens, you have already coped with worst than this.
I was scared to death for nineteen years, until I left home, but have never been afraid of anything since. I used to have a poster with Muhammed Ali’s version of the twenty-third psalm, ” Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil-for I am the meanest So-and-So in the valley.”

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Cat August 9, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Meep: You are quite right; I confused the two terms. It is anti-social personality disorder which is also frequently paired with narcissism.

Whatever term we use, it is one of the worst disorders in that it can be so well hidden by those who have it. Most mental disorders are so obvious that one can identify the person immediately and try to be understanding that this is not their fault, but is rather an illness that presents in behavior rather than in spiking temperatures or rashes.

Most people who have met my brother will not believe he is a sociopath, simply because he doesn’t act out in front of them. I finally had to relate some of his worse behaviors, which cannot be printed here, to convince someone who knows us both that this is a long-standing problem dating back to his earliest childhood. He did not truly believe me until I told him things that I would have never wanted him to have to know. He was shocked beyond measure.

GleanerGirl August 11, 2012 at 3:23 am

They knocked the poor birthday girl out, she’s suffocating in the cake, and they are laughing and eating the cake!

People can be so unbelievable, sometimes.

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ferretrick August 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I hope you had the dress professionally cleaned and sent her the bill.

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noph August 3, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And took her to small claims court. If the stains were not able to be removed, I’d get a lawyer and take her to “big” court for the cost of the dress, cost of the professionally applied make up (if any), and pain and suffering.

The ‘cake smash’ is childish and dumb. Had that been me in the OP’s high heels, I’d have already a lawyer on this for the full cost of the dress. What a repugnant person, to attend a wedding uninvited and then destroy not only a nice moment, but damage the wedding dress. Poor OP. I’m so sorry this happened. I wish you a long and happy marriage!

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June August 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Would it be worth it to send the bills for cleaning to the foster sister? Sure, she pobably would not pay but she needs to learn not to damage other’s property, especially rented items.

Count me in on the people who never understood the cake smashing in the face thing. I would not want my new husband to smear me with cake nor would I do that to him. (And we did not!)

OP- sorry your moment was ruined by the foster sister. She felt left out and was upset she didn’t get an invite so she decided to rudely crash your wedding and take retribution. Please, please, please tell us you had her removed after this?

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TylerBelle August 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I agree how this sounds like someone wanted to have a “look-at-me!” moment. I hope the bride finds something to get her dress restored.

I’ve not been married, but any time I think of what I’d like if I were to have my wedding, the cake smashing has always been a huge no-no. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s destructive, and it looks painful not only to have bits of sticky food in places it doesn’t need to be, but in order to get the cake on target, I’d think there would be quite a bit of aggression going into the face. Also I’d imagine wedding guests think it’s funny because it’s happening to someone else and not them.

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Jill August 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I’m going out on a limb, but I personally find “cake smashing” to be the ultimate sign of passive-aggressiveness. Those who engage in it are typically those I would place at the “boor” end of the scale.

Based on the OP’s last comment (“I did not handle it well, or lady like”) you can sense that she has a feeling of regret for being unable to control her reaction. But I’m sure it was completely justified.

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Cat August 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

There’s very little passive about it, but you are correct. Passive agressive people make you look like you are in the wrong. They attack you, humiliate you, and then say, “What, you can’t take a joke? Get a sense of humor and grow up!”

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Roslyn August 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Wow. Sometimes when I read your posts I think we might be related. I spent my entire life being the butt of everyone’s jokes, mean and cruel jokes, but it was “my fault” because I “couldn’t take a joke”.

I have moved on, but I do have a side, a cold, empty, heartless side that is tucked away. Probably from dealing with my “family” for my whole life.

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Cat August 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

We may be related. Mother (that’s birth mother, not adoptive) had at least eleven children and maybe more.

I resolved the problem by deciding not to deal with my family. Toxic people are toxic whether they are relatives or not. I legally changed my name and moved away from them.

Yours, like mine, simply want to use you as their victim, and they think you have no escape from them because they are “family”. Mentally place them in a large basket and leave them on someone else’s doorstep, and then you are free to go skipping down the highway of life to your happily ever after-without them.

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confused August 7, 2012 at 3:46 am

This is one situation where the bride would be totally justified in not behaving like a lady. OP, no matter how you responded, even if you screamed and cursed at her, please don’t regret it. This woman was totally in the wrong and I hope all of your guests realised that.

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postalslave August 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

What a tragic story :( How horrible that your gown was ruined, not to mention the photos and tackiness of it all.

I would not have been lady like either, in fact that would infuriate me and possibly land me in jail.

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Enna August 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

That’s assault. If someone had tired doing that to me I would have defended myself by stopping the blow. You should see about getting her to clean the dress, take legal action if needs be.

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sstabeler August 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I will say that cake smashing, while somewhat stupid, is OKish when planned. (rather not see it, but eh, it’s not serious enough for me to worry about it) but when unplanned, and by an uninvited guest at that! I’m sorry, but if you turn up to a wedding uninvited, I would have thought you would be on your best behaviour, not ruining the bride’s big day.

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GleanerGirl August 11, 2012 at 3:26 am

If both parties plan for it, and want it, then it’s OK. It’s like a pie-fight – if both parties know what they’re getting into, and enjoy that low-brow comedy, then it’s fine.

However, without consent from the smash, the smasher is guilty of assault.

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June First August 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

What a jerk. I’d probably loudly exclaim, “I can’t believe you just ruined my dress!”

I agree with Amanda Kate: if the bride and groom agree to smash cake, then it’s fine. We’re probably going to smash cake at our reception, but we don’t want to do the garter toss. For us, the garter toss is way tackier than smashing cake.
Then again, I’m not a fan of getting cake on my dress. Note to self: remind FH to be careful of the dress!

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AMC August 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm

OP, I am totally on your side! I too hate cake-smashing for exactly the reason you mentioned. I put a lot of time, money and effort into looking my best on my wedding day, and it would have broken my heart if some had smeared chocolate all over me on that day of all days. I know there are bigger tragedies in life, but what an immature and rude thing to do!

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PM August 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I tried to be as relaxed and go-with-the-flow as possible with the wedding planning. I only had two absolute hard limits.

1) No kids at the ceremony. I didn’t care about the reception. But I’d been to too many weddings where I couldn’t hear a thing because a baby wailed through the entire thing. I wanted to be able to hear our vows, so I arranged for babysitters in another part of the church.

2) No cake smashing in each others faces. I did not want to start our married life together with a public display of disrespect and passive aggression. I made it very clear that I wouldn’t do it to DH. And that I would not find it at all funny if he did it to me. We both wanted to start on the right foot and we very sweetly fed each other the cake.

Though, admittedly, I gave him too big of a bite. I was shocked and a little disgusted by the number of people who griped that we skipped this “tradition.” That we’d cheated them out of their fun by seeing us smear cake all over each other. We were called poor sports and “lame” and one family friend threatened to smash cake on me “since DH didn’t have the guts to do it.” DH invited him to leave the reception at his earliest convenience.

I hope someone in the bride’s family said something to this “sister” about her behavior.

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Kate August 3, 2012 at 1:09 am

Love your DH’s use of the polite spine there!

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Miss Raven August 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where there was cake-smashing. Maybe it’s regional? I’ve seen a few “silly” instances of it from afar, but not from anyone I know. I wouldn’t call it a “tradition”. I agree that it’s passive-aggressive and messy. On this, the day you’re supposed to be celebrating the tenderness you feel toward each other, cake-smashing is honestly a bit violent.

That said, to each their own. We celebrated my grandfather’s 80th birth as a family in Mexico. To every restaurant we went for dinner, someone let the staff know it was his birthday. At more than half the restaurants, when the staff brought out a dessert, he would blow out the candle and they would then put it in his face. Cultural thing? Poking fun at tourists? Who knows? But my grandfather thought it was HILARIOUS. (Note: Almost every dessert was also accompanied by a shot of tequila, so that may have helped.)

But when the bride and groom deliberately refrain from cake-smashing, to smash THEIR cake with your BARE HANDS (and CHOCOLATE, no less!!) goes beyond the typical complaints of passive-aggression. It’s straight-up aggressive, completely abhorrent boorishness. She should have been removed immediately, and you should have sent her a bill for the dry-cleaning besides. And this AFTER she crashed the party. Mind-numbing. Inexcusable.

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Mary August 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

This has just convinced me never to celebrate my birthday in Mexico!

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Allyne August 4, 2012 at 7:32 am

How many restaurants did you visit on one birthday??

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PM August 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Forgot to add, a friend of mine who got married within a year of our wedding also made it clear to her fiance that she didn’t want cake smashing, either. She made it very clear that if he smashed the cake into her face she would see it as a sign that her newly minted husband didn’t value her feelings and wanted to see her humiliated in front of all their friends and family. Her fiance said, “OK, whatever.”

Come the wedding day, with his friends chanting, “do it, do it!” while they cut the cake, my friend’s new husband SLAMMED a whole slice of cake into her face. I was seriously suprised he didn’t hurt her, he used that much force. She kept her face expressionless and spine iron straight as she went into the ladies room to clean off the icing and bright red raspberry cake filling smeared into her face and hair. (I was a bridesmaid, we followed her quietly, trying not to make any more of a scene, while her new husband and the groomsmen hollered after us to “lighten up” and “grow a sense of humor!”) Her hairstyle was a total loss, we practically had to wash her hair in the sink. We wiped up all of the makeup and icing. And because there was icing and raspberry filling in her cleavage, we brought her the dress she’d planned as her going-away outfit to change into.

The reception ended fairly quickly after that with the groomsmen griping about the bride’s bad attitude. The couple did not have a good honeymoon.

The incident distinctly changed the way the bride saw her husband’s treatment of her. She used to shrug off the way he pandered to his friends, the way he told her to “lighten up” and criticized her for not getting jokes at her expense. They were divorced within eight months.

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L August 3, 2012 at 8:37 am

Good on that bride. If you can’t trust your partner to respect your boundaries and wishes over minor things, how can you trust them to respect your boundaries and wishes when it comes to big things such as buying a house or getting a pet?

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Angela August 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

7.8 months too late IMHO.

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May August 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

Too bad the groom did not have the um…fortitude to stand up to his friends. Maybe he should have smashed cake in their faces. Then they could have lightened up and grown a sense of humor.

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confused August 7, 2012 at 3:50 am

Oh, that poor bride. It sounds as though you guys dealt with it well. Where I’m from we don’t do the cake smash so it will not be expected, but even if people do want us to do it, my fiancé would never embarrass me and physically hurt me. If he did, even as a “joke”, he would not be the man I know and love and I would have to ask myself very serious questions about the quality of our relationship.

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OP August 2, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a vile, vile person. There’s just nothing amusing about this practice.

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Library Diva August 2, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I have listened to my mother discuss her hatred of the cake-smashing gambit all of my life. She absolutely despises it. In fact, once the initial excitement about my engagement died down, one of the first things she said to my fiance and I was that she hoped we wouldn’t do that at the wedding! She’ll be pleased to know how much support she has here.

For myself, while it’s certainly not a classy thing to do, if it’s pre-planned and has more of a goofy feel than a passive-aggressive feel, it is the couple’s day when it boils down to it, and it’s hardly the dumbest thing one could do at a wedding. But it’s also so overdone that it’s not funny anymore (much like the “key prank” in which many female guests are given keys that they’re later asked to return under the premise of them being to the groom’s apartment). No one over the age of 6 is seeing this for the first time at your wedding.

What the OP’s foster sister did to her is just despicable. I’m sure she thought she was being very funny and clever, but what she really did was ruin a very special moment, let alone a special garment and a special cake. I’m sorry this woman felt the need to do this.

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StephM August 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I have seen pictures of couples taking a tiny swipe of icing from the piece that they cut and putting it on each others noses or cheeks. I think that is cute. There’s no mess for others to clean up and it’s a little silly. But the smashing needs to die away.

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Lizza August 2, 2012 at 8:58 pm

This is what my brother and his now wife did at their reception – it was adorable!

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May August 3, 2012 at 11:27 am

That is cute- a little fun without ruining anything!

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PM August 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

I have no problem with that at all and I do think it’s pretty cute to wash a man dab a tiny bit of icing on his new wife’s nose and kiss it away. I think that could be seen as symbolic, like, “Well, I make a few messes in our life, but I’ll always help you clean them up.”

Grinding icing and cake crumbs into your new husband’s or wife’s face is more about, “THIS IS FOR ALL OF THE #$%& YOU PUT ME THROUGH PLANNING THIS STUPID WEDDING, EAT CAKE!!”

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Library Diva August 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I can’t believe I’m commenting back to actually defend this custom (don’t tell my mom!) but I don’t think it always necessarily has the horrible symbolism many people ascribe to it. I know one couple who talked gleefully in the run-up to the wedding about how good they were going to get the other one, because they just have that kind of relationship. They both have a goofy streak a mile wide and absolutely love immature pranks, movies with stupid humor, jokes of all stripes, etc. They had been together for three years when they got married five years ago, and they now have three children together. I suppose you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but to me, they’ve always presented an image of compatibility, happiness, love and respect.

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manybellsdown August 3, 2012 at 12:55 pm

We did a tiny nose-boop also. It’s like baptism by cake or something.

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jp August 4, 2012 at 12:28 am

I also put just a tiny dab of icing on the nose.
We fed each other bits of cake very neatly from a fork.

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Wendy Geoghan August 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I hold my breath at every wedding I attend, praying that there isn’t any cake smashing. Years ago, at a friends wedding, the groom smashed cake in the brides face in a very aggressive manner. It was easy to see that she was shocked and everyone attending gasped. They were divorced within six months. I don’t think it is cute or funny, it’s abusive.

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Onion August 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I hate people like that. What they call a ‘prank’ is often a spiteful attempt to draw attention to themselves at any cost. The kind of person who will deliberately trip you up and say ‘It was a joke! Where’s your sense of humour?’ as you lie on the floor clutching your ankle. Incredibly, they seem to lose their own sense of humour when you, say, picking an example totally out of the air, grab at them to help yourself up and ‘accidentally’ pull their crotch down straight onto your knee. Apparently that’s not funny.

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Staey Frith-Smith August 2, 2012 at 11:35 pm

It’s too vile for words to think that someone has gone to the trouble to marry another person and can only manage to show their overflow of emotion through a food fight. Really? If you want to smear cake or other foodstuffs onto your partner, can’t you imagine a more pleasant setting, purpose and outcome? Oy! If you feel the need to take your partner down a peg or two, you have chosen the wrong partner. Save yourself the cleaning bill and other expenses; call off the wedding.

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GleanerGirl August 11, 2012 at 3:37 am

My mother was very clear on not allowing food fights. Food was for eating, and food fights were messy.

Once, when we had guests, one of them tried to start a food fight. Mom was in a gracious mood, and allowed it, but made sure we only used our salad (without dressing), so it was easy to clean up.

That was the only food fight I can recall ever having. And I really see her point. Don’t make a mess that will be hard to clean up. Frosting? Horrors!

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Kate August 3, 2012 at 1:05 am

I’m very glad this tradition doesn’t seem to be popular in Australia. There is NO WAY I would allow my fiance, or anyone else, to smear cake all over my face after paying for professional makeup (not to mention a beautiful cake!). Fortunately, my fiance shares my opinion so there won’t be any nasty surprises.
OP, I would not have been ladylike either. I hope you have not been expected to associate with this woman since then.

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ferretrick August 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

And you thought cake smashing was bad: there’s a video on AOL right now of a bride and groom posing for pictures in their finery in some body of water. The groom is holding the bride in his arms and decides to toss her in the water.

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Wedding Belle UK August 6, 2012 at 4:42 am

…. WHAAAAAAAAAT? Link please. That’s the most awful thing I’ve ever heard.

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ferretrick August 6, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I didn’t post it because AOL changes their videos constantly, and it would already be gone. Also, their links are really weird-when I’ve tried to send them to people they never work. But trust me, it was horrible.

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Bint August 6, 2012 at 5:58 am

I saw that! She apparently thought it was hiiiilarious and said she would ‘get him back’. Just to make it worse, he threw her in the North Sea!!! That thing is freezing! I’ll swim in the Irish Sea all year round, but I ran out screaming from the North, it’s that cold.

It either seems passive-aggressive or – if they’re both into it – really attention-seeking. Look at how CRAZY we are!!! Ooooooh! In my wedding dress! It’s hard to explain, but as I said above, there’s something very juvenile about all this.

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Library Diva August 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I have always thought that new “trash the dress” fad speaks volumes about how stressful and overblown wedding planning has become. By the time you’ve spend months arranging everything perfectly, pretending you can tell the difference between ivory and cream, and acting like you care what color the inside of envelopes are, it’s like you just want to smash it all.

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--Lia August 7, 2012 at 6:20 am

You got me curious so I googled on “wedding trash the dress” on both the web and images. Quite an eye opener. I had no idea.

They talk about it like it’s something great in photography, but I agree with you. It’s about overblown to the point of ridiculous.

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Alice June 2, 2014 at 12:07 pm

That is INSANELY dangerous. Wedding dresses weigh a ton, plus good luck getting a deep breath when you’re strapped into the corset. It would be so easy to get dragged belowthe waves.

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Dowagerdutchess August 3, 2012 at 11:56 am

If a vendor made her disapproval of any element of my wedding so apparent 30 people asked her what was the matter, I’d be withholding whatever percentage of the bill was allocated to service. What happens to guests clothes is none of your business, and cake smashing is a frequent enough part of a wedding that a venue should either plan to deal with it or inform couples it is prohibited and there will be a $500 cleaning charge should they engage in it.

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PrincessButtercup August 6, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Ugh, one of the dumbest, rudest, childish “traditions” out there. I have heard that in Mexico it is a good luck tradition to smash the person with a birthday into their own cake. I believe it ran over from there.

Thankfully my hubby agreed with me that was awful and not allowed at our wedding. At one point my sister came up and told me he (hubby) “needs” cake smashed in his face. My response was a very firm “absolutely not, that it rude and childish and a horribly disrespectful way to start a marriage.

Now that I am a wedding photographer I avoid taking a picture of the cake smash (on the few occasions it has happened). I’ve had brides ask me if they are supposed to smash the cake and I respond honestly, that I think it’s a bad idea. You spent lots of time and money to look your best today, why ruin it. And if you do opt to do it that is up to you because it is your wedding but at the point that the cake smears on any face I stop taking pictures till it is over so have a friend take pictures of that if you want them.

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saiyangerl August 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I would have sent her a cleaning bill for the dress or if it was unable to be cleaned and were permanently stained then a bill for the full cost of the dress, the bill for my makeup, and at least a partial bill for the cake, as well as a partial bill for the photography since her actions would affect the photos afterwards. Those things all cost a lot of money! If she refused to pay I’d be seeing her in court that’s for sure. I might even sue for emotional distress as well. I don’t think it would look good for her in court considering she wasn’t even invited.

If I had been any of the brides where the husband did that against my will the marriage would be over and I’d take him to court and make him pay for the entire wedding that he ruined.

My DH and I both agreed beforehand that neither of us wanted cake smashed in our faces. We didn’t even use our hands when feeding each other, we used forks. I have only been to one wedding where the bride and groom smashed cake in each other’s faces but they both seemed to be ok with it.

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Eloe August 8, 2012 at 4:27 am

Luckily, the cake-smashing tradition does not exist where I live (Central Europe). I could never understand that one.
I used to do work for the Harlequin publishing house and one book stuck into my mind. In the beginning the wedding coordinator heroine asked the hero to accompany her to a wedding she was working on. The bride didn’t want her makeup ruind by the cake smash, so… she asked the coordinator to stand in and she needed a partner. She even gave a little speech at the wedding with this explanation, then she and the hero proceeded to smash cake into each other’s faces. No explanation was given why it was so vital that _someone_ gets a faceful of cake, even if it’s a perfect stranger, and why the wedding couple thought it would be a good idea. I remember this really puzzling me, even taking literary conventions into account. (The book was going for light-hearted humorous tone, and in my opinion it didn’t work at all, so maybe that’s some sort of explanation)

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GleanerGirl August 11, 2012 at 3:41 am

It seems to my they should have hired some clowns, in full clown regalia.

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Cher630 August 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

I think cake “smashing” is horrible. I know my dad did it to my mom, but it was the 1970’s and almost “expected.” It was only a little bit, and in the pictures, my mom is laughing. As long as BOTH bridge and groom think it’s funny to do to each other only, then it’s fine.

I went to a wedding where the bride and groom fed each other nicely and the bride put the teeniest bit on frosting on the groom’s nose. It didn’t drip and easily wiped away with a napkin. I thought that was cute because it was “smashed” where someone could get hurt. The groom thought it was funny and there is only one picture of the groom with icing on his nose. No one was hurt and it didn’t ruin clothes, walls, feelings, etc.

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Jelly_Rose August 23, 2012 at 2:21 am

I hate the whole cake ‘Smashing’ thing, it looks gross and makes the cake look unappetizing afterwards. When my husband and I got married we just the little dab on each other noses to be cute. (But we forgot that gel icing from ice cream cake might stain so we ended up with blue dots on our noses for the rest of the night!)

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Angel September 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

Perhaps this is only a coincidence, but every wedding I have been to where cake smashing occurs, within 10 years the couple is divorced. That’s only if the bride and groom do it to each other though. Not some random guest.

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Katje September 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That was immature and incredibly rude of her to do that. I would’ve been beyond wicked pissed if somebody smashed cake in my face on my wedding day. Did anybody spot her or at least one of the family members ask the uninvited “guest” to leave? Was there any staff members that acted as a gatekeeper or as security to prevent uninvited people from coming in the wedding?

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C September 4, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I’ve seen worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07QjPnp9L7c

Video description: “My wife asked me to not smash cake in her face on our wedding day, because she didn’t want her hair and make-up ruined. So, her and I came up with the idea to get the best man and the maid of honor instead. She should’ve specified that she didn’t want anything smashed in her face, because I couldn’t waste the golden opportunity!”

Basically, the groom ignores his wife’s request by picking up a messy pie and smashing it in her face. You can TELL how unhappy she is! I hope she divorced him for that.

I have never seen a cake smash, and I know if anyone ever did that to me at my wedding, the marriage would be over right then and there. I won’t marry a man who doesn’t respect my boundaries. I’m very easily embarrassed in public and a cake smash would be the ultimate humiliation. I will not stay with a man who thinks humiliating me and ripping open old past scars is funny.

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Misty April 25, 2013 at 10:58 pm

I know this is rather late but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one horrified by the practice. I saw a wedding once where the groom grabbed the bride by her hair, wrenched her so far back she was nearly bent in half and ground the cake in her face so hard she couldn’t breathe. When she got back to her feet her hair was destroyed and she was gasping for breath. I was horrified but everyone else was laughing like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. I’d rather be single for life then be married to a jerk like that!

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