The Nebulous Shower Invitation

by admin on April 9, 2012

I was recently invited to a wedding shower 3 weeks away by the bride through a Facebook post. Should I feel obligated to go? The post only included the date of the shower. 0405-12

How can you go?  You don’t know the location or time of the shower.    It appears you have received either a secondhand invitation from the bride who has realized you were not invited and maybe should have been or it’s a faux courtesy invitation that assuages the bride of any guilt while not actually inviting you.    Personally I would ignore it as if it was never received.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

lkb April 9, 2012 at 6:50 am

Was this on the facebook wall? Or was a private facebook message? If on the wall, I’d be inclined to ignore it. If a private message, depending on how well I knew anyone in the bridal party (family/work/friend politics), I’d respond privately, asking politely for clarification (ie, if this was really meant for me and clearer details).

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MellowedOne April 9, 2012 at 7:57 am

OP, you ask, “Should I feel obligated to go?”

One is never obligated to go to an event they have been invited to.

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bloo April 9, 2012 at 8:28 am

Can anyone say, “Unvitation”?

I’m with admin on ‘faux courtesy invite’, which is worse to me than no invitation at all since now you’re confused about whether you should go – and that involves the embarrassment of contacting the bride or asking around to those with real invites for the details.

I agree with admin – just ignore as if you didn’t receive it.

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Ashley April 9, 2012 at 9:00 am

Are you invited to the wedding OP? If not, it is a faux pas to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding because it looks like a gift grab. I remember reading that when I was planning my wedding and I made sure only women on my invite list got an invite to my shower.
If you aren’t, I wouldn’t go. Send your regrets and let the bride know show didn’t include the location of the shower so she will know.

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Just Laura April 9, 2012 at 9:25 am

I agree.

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haha April 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

Isn’t the hostess supposed to invite and not the bride, anyways?

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Just Laura April 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Oh, good catch. I completely missed that.

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Cat April 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

It could be a fishing expedition. She puts it on Facebook sans needed information and waits to see who responds. Well, I invited you!
Reminds me of a niece I had seen once in my life who emailed me that I could come to a baby shower for some people of whom I had never heard. She reminded me that the people giving the shower did not want to see me. So I am invited to a shower for total strangers to which I should not come because the hosts don’t want to see me. Ok, should I send a check?

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Katie April 9, 2012 at 11:24 am

I think it’s very rude to ignore an invitation on the basis that you think that it’s second-hand or have other speculations about its genuineness. Do you *want* to go? If not, I would just send a friendly but brief reply ‘Im so sorry but I can’t make that day- I already have plans. All the best for a great party!’ and leave it at that.

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Anonymous April 9, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Or maybe the bride is just lazy. And why is the Bride doing the inviting? I hope she’s not the host.

I have questions about obligations with less-than formal invites. If the bride had included all the information/details/directions/RSVP details in the post, would admins’ answer be much different?

For a friend’s bridal shower, I just received a really nice custom-printed invitation (in the mail). But there are no instructions to RSVP, only a line about “For more info, check the website at [Bride and Groom's website] or give us a call at….” and then lists the 3 hosts’ names and phone numbers. I don’t know any of the hosts or which one I should call to say I plan on going.
I checked the website, and the wedding website also includes an invitation to the shower, directed at “all friends and family.” There are detailed directions to the shower location, but again, no specific instructions to RSVP, and no email or phone contact listed. Does this mean it’s just an open invitation and they assume we’ll all be there? Do I just call the first person on the list? Don’t these people know I can’t think for myself and need detailed instructions? :-)

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Just Laura April 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I’m not really a fan of these wedding websites, although I like them in theory.

A friend of ours is marrying in May. We were invited to the engagement party. The invitation said, “RSVP by XX to [phone number] or to [wedding website]. So, he went to the wedding website and RSVP’d.
The day before the party, we were called by the groom-to-be. “Hey, are you guys coming?”
“Of course! We RSVP’d via the wedding website.”
“Oh, we never check that.”

…what?

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Surianne April 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I’ve received shower invitations over Facebook before, never had a problem with it. Even if you do think it’s rude to invite someone that way, I think it’s far more rude to not bother with an RSVP.

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Shoegal April 10, 2012 at 8:47 am

I would have ingnored that invitation – no problem! This is not a proper invitation in my book – no location, no time – and sent via a public forum. Perhaps I’m an overly sensitive person but I would have considered this kind of casual invite more of an insult then anything else especially since it is a shower. You are asking me to come & bring you a gift but you couldn’t make the effort to send me a proper invite?

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Hemi April 10, 2012 at 11:35 am

Although I would normally agree that ingnoring an invitation and not replying is rude, if there is no date/time/RSVP info are you supposed to magically surmise who to RSVP to?

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Enna April 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Hmm, where you told where it was and how close are you to the bride? If you don’t really know her that well and if you don’t want to go why not just reply saying you can’t?

If the Facebook Invite is written up properly as a written one would be then I see nothing wrong with sending someone an FB invite if they don’t have someone’s address or they want to make sure people have their invites by using the FB/email invite as a “back-up” to the paper one: things can get lost in the post and people can move.

If you don’t decide to go then it is polite to let the person know.

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