Childhood Promises To Be Each Other’s Maid Of Honor

by admin on February 21, 2012

I apologize in advance as this will be a very long story. Growing up, I had a best friend, as many do. I’ll call her Molly. We were so close that her parent’s called me an adopted child and we would literally spend weeks staying at each others’ houses in the summers. We had always promised each other that we would be the maid of honor at our respective weddings. So, fast forward to adult-hood. We are both engaged, but her wedding is scheduled before mine. Of course we get all excited and giddy. Time flies by and she decides that she will only have family in her wedding party. I figure this is just fine because she alone has 3 sisters and two sister-in-laws. But she does ask me to be her attendant.

I was a little sad, but I totally understood and was excited to be a part of her big day. We talk about what I’ll be doing as an attendant; going with to pick a dress, attending dress fittings, help address invitations, help throw a bridal shower. But time goes on and I don’t hear anything from her about any of these events. Until I receive an invitation to a bridal shower. (Which was very awkward as it was just family and there is some history between the groom, his family, and myself. (I had always had a HUGE crush on her fiance and I was convinced I was going to marry him one day.))

About a week before her wedding, I met with my Molly to see if she really wanted me to be involved in the wedding since I had not been included in any of the things we had previously discussed. She said that she did want me to be her attendant and that she’d just been so busy with everything.

A week later, it’s the hottest day of the summer. I drive two hours in a vehicle with no AC to her church. When I arrive, everyone else is already there. They had arrived early to take pictures. I was not informed. After finding the bride and giving her a bag full of emergency goodies (band aids, tissues, clear nail polish, a nail file…) she tells me, “we had a flower for you, but we gave it to an usher.” Okay… What I don’t know wouldn’t have hurt me. Then I see that I am one of TWO attendants and the other attendant is giving me a dirty look as in, what the heck is she doing back here? I also notice that it is NOT only family in the wedding party. She has included some friends from college. I swallowed my hurt and ask if there is anything I can do, all while cooing over how beautiful she looked. (Despite the fact that she had purchased a dress that was too small for her hoping she would lose some weight before the big day. I felt so bad because it was so tight you could actually see her belly button.) Nope. But… and here’s the kicker… “I need you to stay after the wedding to pick up trash with my Mom and Aunt.” My jaw dropped, but I was so stunned that I couldn’t say anything.

After the ceremony, her mother, aunt and I are picking up a room that was full of trash. We couldn’t find a dumpster, so we piled everything into our cars to throw away later. .. somewhere. By the time we all arrived at the reception, cocktail hour was over and the wedding party had already made their entrance. Her poor Mother was beside herself. Molly and her new husband did not have a receiving line and they did not talk to anyone not in the wedding party all night. I ended up leaving shortly after the cake cutting, which was not announced, so most people were not aware that it had happened.

My engagement fell apart, and now that I am again engaged (this time to a man I could never live without), it is safe to say that not only will Molly not be my maid of honor, she will not make it on so much as my Christmas card list.  1011-11

Friends should not be held to childhood promises born out of future dreams of “what if”.   People and circumstances change, people grow up and develop other relationships.  You just cannot keep someone hostage to a wishful promise made when they were not in any position to be considering marriage.  Let it go.

I’m more troubled that a bride would subject her own mother and aunt to clean up duty in the middle of the wedding day.  That was a rather epic planning failure on someone’s part.

{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }

Wink-n-Smile February 21, 2012 at 9:46 am

Even if OP accepted that they were not to be held to their childhood promises of attending on each other at their respective weddings, a bride simply should not treat one of her attendants, nor indeed, one of her guests, in that manner.

If the bride didn’t want her childhood friend to be an attendant, she should have said so. And really, would it have cost so much out of the bridal budget to hire a few people, not involved in the festivities, to pick up the trash and take it to the dump? Teenagers looking for an odd job and some spending money, perhaps?

And to treat her own mother and aunt that way – heinous.

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Jamesy February 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Indeed. That was the most horrific part of the story. “Oh, you? Yeah, you can pick up trash with my mother and my aunt.” Words that I would never dare utter, but I actually like my family.

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ferretrick February 21, 2012 at 9:47 am

I agree you shouldn’t be held to a childish promise in adulthood. But you also shouldn’t be told you are an attendant, then excluded from all attendant events, and used as janitorial staff. OP is perfectly justified in feeling hurt.

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OP February 21, 2012 at 9:49 am

“I had always had a HUGE crush on her fiance and I was convinced I was going to marry him one day.”

…maybe that was why she wasn’t so anxious to have the OP in the wedding party?

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Just Laura February 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

Good point – is it possible the groom and his family didn’t want the OP to be a part of the wedding, and Molly went with his wishes? The OP does mention that things are “awkward” between the groom, his family and her. (I’m not saying Molly handled it well, only that it may not have been up to her.)

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GroceryGirl February 21, 2012 at 10:48 am

Whoops I am definitely NOT the OP! That’s a leftover from a story awhile back where I was the OP! Ignore that please!

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Surianne February 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Yes, that really stuck out to me. The OP specifically notes that the bridal shower was awkward because of her huge crush, so imagine how awkward the other events would have been if she couldn’t hide it?

I could see that really doing a number on a friendship, too — I wouldn’t want someone as my maid of honour (or even a bridesmaid) if she wasn’t able to get over her feelings for my to-be-husband by the time of the wedding.

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Another Laura February 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

As OP was engaged to another man at the time, I understood the crush to be a thing of the past, but still awkward. I find it strange to be around guys I used to have a crush on, even though I’ve been happily married to my husband for over 5 years.

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GroceryGirl February 24, 2012 at 9:58 am

But the OP also notes that the engagement didn’t pan out and they are no longer together which gives me the idea that perhaps the relationship was not a happy one. She may have told her friend (bride) that or maybe the bride just sensed it. People can get really weird about jealousy.

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Enna March 1, 2012 at 11:24 am

I was going to point this out too. Was this crush a young teenage crush from years ago? Childhood promises like this should not be taken seriously when the people involved are adults. Just as admin said – relationships change.

Bint February 22, 2012 at 4:18 am

Not that it excuses Molly’s poor behaviour, but I read this and thought YIKES!!! And the OP says there was “there is some history between the groom, his family, and myself” because of this?

There is something more going on here than Molly failing the OP. The whole thing reeks of awkwardness and undercurrents. I wouldn’t be surprised if the groom had put pressure on the bride, her friends thought she shouldn’t have the OP because of the HUGE crush, and Molly – not a good organiser or that thoughtful from the sounds of it – just made a mess of the whole nightmare.

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Just Laura February 21, 2012 at 10:06 am

I’m not sure why we needed to know about the poor fit of the dress.

Why is so much trash being generated at a wedding ceremony before the reception? I understand there are probably some rose petals, but what else?

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Vrinda February 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

The trash could have been paper plates, plastic cups, spoons, forks, aand knives; and paper napkins. Given how people can be real pigs and makes messes when they are not at home, I wouldn’t be surprised that there would be a lot of trash at a wedding.

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Gracie C. February 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm

At the ceremony, Vrinda? They missed the entrances as the reception because they were cleaning up after the wedding. They weren’t cleaning at the end of the night.

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Just Laura February 22, 2012 at 9:28 am

^Yes, Gracie, that’s what I meant. Thank you. Vrinda, I don’t know that there would be plastic forks at a wedding ceremony at a church. Isn’t that what the reception is for?

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Dannysgirl February 22, 2012 at 12:27 am

I was thinking that the OP meant she helped remove decorations from the church. I wonder if the church had another wedding or a regular worship service shortly after this wedding. It’s the only reason I can think of for the hasty clean up. It still doesn’t make it right for the bride to expect her family and friends to clean up and miss part of her reception. Especially her mom! Who does that?

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Sarah Jane February 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I agree…what’s the deal with the history between the OP and the groom/his family and how tight the wedding dress was?

I’m not sure what the bride here meant by “attendant”, but I always thought an attendant and bridesmaid were the same thing.

At any rate, you were a better friend than I would have been. Evil SJ would have left long before trash-pickup.

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Enna March 1, 2012 at 11:26 am

And Evil Enna! ;)

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Meegs February 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

I’m sorry, I couldn’t get past the part where you say you had a huge crush on your friend’s husband-to-be and were convinced you were going to marry him. If I were your friend I wouldn’t even have invited you to the wedding!

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gramma dishes February 23, 2012 at 12:03 pm

She used the word “had” … as in the past. I had a crush on a guy all through high school. I got over it and would easily have been able to enjoy his wedding with no lingering twinges of jealousy at all.

Keep in mind that she herself was engaged (clearly to someone else) at the time. [Which of course begs the question as to why her fiance was not invited since they were definitely a social unit!] But my point is that I don’t think she still thought she was ‘in love’ with the groom.

I don’t think the problem is that a childhood promise about being each others MOH was broken. I think the issue is that the bride apparently strung the OP along, making her think she would be part of the wedding and then with no warning ended up totally leaving her out of everything — well, except for janitorial services.

The way the bride treated her own mother is telling. I’m glad the OP decided to cut this “friendship”. It had quite obviously exceeded its expiration date.

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MellowedOne February 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

A simple youthful crush I could see not being a problem, but I believe there is definitely more here than that. The OP states that the wedding shower she attended was “awkward” because of “there is some history between the groom, his family, and myself.”

One can’t help but wonder what such “history” entailed. I think it would give this story a completely different perspective.

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Library Diva February 21, 2012 at 10:32 am

In addition, this story is an excellent example as to why it’s usually better to deliver unpleasant news to someone in a straightforward manner than have them piece it together themselves, as OP had to do about her lack of any meaningful role in her friend’s wedding. Molly should have said, head-on: “I know we’d always promised each other that we’d be each other’s maid of honor, but given all of the history you have with Groom, I think it would be best if you just attended and had a good time.” (I suspect this is what OP’s lack of role in the wedding was all about). It still may have stung, but I think it would have been far less hurtful, and Molly may have preserved the friendship (given her subsequent behavior, though, maybe she didn’t care).

Others may say that OP’s actually sticking around to pick up trash showed an extreme lack of spine. Maybe, but it also showed remarkable kindness for her ‘adopted mother’ who was forced into working on her daughter’s wedding day. Anyone would have understood OP walking away after the way she’d been treated throughout the process, and it’s sad that Molly exploited her sincere desire to help and to be a part of things in this manner. But OP saw the bigger picture and wouldn’t let Molly’s mother and aunt contend with the room alone.

Two of my cousins have also spent their entire reception hanging out with their friends (although neither of them decided to forego the receiving line) and I’ve never understood this. You pay quite a bit to have people at your wedding, and the guest list always seems to cause stress and drama, so why not enjoy their presence a bit? The only answer to that question I can devise is: “Because they’re only invited as a means of getting gifts.”

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NotCinderell February 22, 2012 at 8:16 am

Yes, this! OP may have been hurt over not being chosen as maid of honor, but it seems like, at least according to her version of events, she was able to put on her big girl pants and not act petulant about it. We can’t fault her for her emotions, as that’s really beyond her control. It appears that her actions were not reproachable.

That said, it appears that the bride was being very cruel because it was easier than being brave and having a politely assertive confrontation over the matter. Don’t humor someone into believing they’re a bridsmaid and then not treat them like a bridesmaid because you don’t really what them.

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Daquiri40 February 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

I don’t think the OP was holding the bride to their original childhood agreement. The bride said she would have the OP as an attendance as an adult, and then obviously changed her mind without telling the OP. The bride was the rude one here.

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acr February 21, 2012 at 11:09 am

I’m going to disagree with the eHell Dame here. The LW seemed to be deeply hurt by repeated thoughtless acts from the bride. It wasn’t JUST the MoH thing.

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Michelle February 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

I have a little sympathy with the bride, only because I was in a situation where I’d always told a gf she’d be one of my BMs, but by the time my wedding came along, I hadn’t planned on asking her, however she made it clear she expected it, so I did ask her. So I have some sympathy for the bride, but her behaviour toward her mother and aunt is horrendous.

“I had always had a HUGE crush on her fiance and I was convinced I was going to marry him one day.”

She didn’t say how old she was. When I was 6, I went up to the mother of a classmate and told her I was going to marry her son one day. As an adult I always feel a little awkward whenever I see her, even though it’s been years.

P.S- Sometimes childhood promises aren’t so bad, my bff and I made the agreement to have her be my MOH when we were 5 and she was, of course the friendship has flourished through the years, so it wasn’t about old promises as much as the right person for the job.

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Lucky February 21, 2012 at 11:27 am

Mixed feelings here.

1) I totally agree that if one is nominally an attendant, one should be included in pre-functions, and nobody should be used as janitorial staff unless they are, indeed, janitorial staff. As in, paid to clean this mess up.

2) I must be missing something, but it seems to me that women put way too much stock in being chosen or not to be in their friends’/sisters’/sisters-in-law’s/cousin’s/etc. weddings. My sister-in-law didn’t ask me to be in her wedding to my brother. It would have made no sense: We were not close, it was a small wedding, and I lived a thousand miles away. I would actually have been weirded out if she had asked. She had two friends as bridesmaids. My uncle and I were the photographers.

The fact is: There are a zillions reasons that a woman might or might not choose any given people for her wedding party, and wedding parties only have room for so many people. A lot of people are going to be left out (and if you had a long-time crush on the groom, I would guess your odds of being left out improve dramatically, childhood oaths or not). Get the heck over it. Attend as a guest and check your ego at the door.

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Bint February 22, 2012 at 4:27 am

Indeed! My MIL cornered me before our wedding to say she had thought I might ask my husband’s two sisters to be my bridesmaids instead of my two best friends, although I have two sisters of my own. And she was shocked that none of the three girls in my family had each other as BMs because she’d have been ‘really hurt’. I just wasn’t brought up to have those expectations. Funnily enough, neither were my SILs, who were both mortified she’d said it…

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travestine February 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

I feel very sad for the OP. If her friend didn’t want her in the wedding (and it may have had something to do with the OP’s former crush on the groom!), she should have sucked it up and said so. To me, it sounds like the bride was just hoping the OP would “catch on” that she was being excluded, rather than being honest with the OP. There’s no worse feeling than “figuring out” that you aren’t wanted.

And having the mother and aunt do the church cleanup? Unacceptable!

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Jenn50 February 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Yes, the large amount of trash was confusing to me too, and relegating your mother to trash detail is pretty absurd behaviour.

The comment about some history with the groom and his family left me wondering if there was some background and undercurrent to the relationship(s) that would explain the strangeness of it all. I can’t imagine that having an unreciprocated crush on someone would make you convinced that you were going to marry them unless there was something else at play.

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Ellen CA February 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I guess I’m not familiar with the meaning of the term “attendant.” Is that not a bridesmaid?

Also, what could possibly have happened at that ceremony that would result in so much trash that three people had to pick it up for an hour (“cocktail hour was over”) and to fill their cars with the debris?

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Lizza February 22, 2012 at 2:06 am

From my experience an attendant is someone who makes sure things go smoothly: helps everyone get ready, is armed with little things people might need (extra bobby pins, tissue, etc.) They “attend” to the needs of the bride.

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Gracie C. February 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Hmmm…Lizza – that sounds like one of two things to me – a bridesmaid, who is in the wedding or a wedding planner/coordinator who gets paid. I’ve never heard of a guest being assigned to “attend” to the needs of the bride. If that’s the case – what is the bridal party for?

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MellowedOne February 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

The OP makes it confusing to tell what she’s talking about. An attendant could either be a part of the wedding party, I’ve even heard ushers described as attendants. As the planner/coordinator of my friends’ weddings, I always asked two individuals to be “go-to” people/attendants..one for side of the wedding party while they were sequested pre-wedding. Their job was to run messages, get water, misc. minor tasks, etc. Since they had close access to the wedding party, only friends were asked, and were always glad to help. And that left me free to do the bigger things. :)

The OP states she and the bride made plans about what the OP would be involved in…(dress fittings, shower planning, etc.), things usually only done by a bridesmaid/MOH.

Personally I believe the OP had full expectation of being a close part of her friend’s wedding planning and day. I think the bride was just trying to brush off the OP by saying she’d be an active part in the wedding..something sthe bride had no intention on actually following through with. It’s quite possible it has something to do with the “history” the OP had with the groom.

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Ashley February 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Um…perhaps the bit you included about the history between you and the groom and his family is why you weren’t included?

That aside, I would have helped with the trash (simply because I would feel awful making the mother and aunt do it themselves on their daughter/niece’s wedding day) and then I would have left.

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aka Cat February 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I’m puzzled — what is an attendant, if not a member of the bridal party? And what sort of trash would a wedding ceremony generate, that it requires three people a half hour or more to pick up?

The OP says that there’s some history between her and the groom’s family. I can’t help but wonder if the groom’s family was calling a lot of the shots on this wedding?

Bride plans to ask OP to be part of the bridal party: groom or groom’s family asks her not to. Bride then finds an alternate duty for the OP: groom’s family asks that she not be invited to anything (except the gift grabs, of course.) I’d also prefer to think that the groom’s mother was somehow responsible for the bride’s mother being assigned to cleanup duty (during the reception!), rather than it being something the bride thought up.

Honestly, the OP being cold shouldered out of the wedding planning is a pretty small faux pas compared to the situation with the bride’s mother.

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Lizza February 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I completely agree that you can’t hold people to childhood promises. But, on the other hand, Molly shouldn’t have asked the OP to be an attendant if she didn’t really want her involved – which, judging from the way OP was treated (not invited to things she was told she’d be invited to, not informed of early pictures, etc.) seems to be the case. And Molly also shouldn’t have lied about the bridal party being “family only.”

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Yvaine February 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I don’t think it’s a matter of the OP forcibly holding Molly to an old promise; Molly asked. And if she asked OP to be her attendant, she should have treated her better.

That said, it sounds like OP perhaps should have declined the offer due to her own emotional baggage; between her admission that she was carrying a torch for the groom (even though she was herself engaged at the time) and her snark about Molly’s waistline, she seems too competitive with Molly to really be happy about the marriage.

Mostly these two seem more like frenemies than friends.

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NotCinderell February 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

I find that when people are genuinely wronged, sometimes they feel justified in airing all the nasty comments that they’d otherwise keep to themselves. Retaliatory rudeness is still rudeness.

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Yvaine February 24, 2012 at 7:59 am

True. My brain works that way sometimes too–when someone is my friend and I like them, I don’t even register their flaws, but once someone is an utter female dog to me, suddenly it’s like Flaw-o-Vision switches on and I suddenly, subconsciously, look for ways to dig at them in my head. (I try to keep it just in my head, though!)

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June February 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

This is one of those stories (like the midnight cemetery ceremony) that sounds like it has another side. A few thoughts:
-When you fast-forward to adulthood, you leave out how close the two of you have remained. I don’t really talk to that many people from my hometown.
-Why is the bridal shower awkward re:her fiance? Wouldn’t it be more awkward if you were the MOH?
-If you haven’t heard anything about being an attendant until you call her the week before the wedding, that’s a red flag.
-Maybe she asked you to be an attendant before asking her fiance, who was uncomfortable with it since you’d decided you were going to marry him.
-My car doesn’t have AC. I know this going into the summer. It’s not anyone’s fault, and I plan accordingly. Have a fancy get-together? Change clothes right before you arrive.
-Sifting through the cattiness of the rest of the post (dress size, etc), the trash part is odd and I don’t understand why she had you do it.

Over and out.

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MellowedOne February 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The bride certainly acted in an odd and tacky way about things, especially day of wedding.

My question to OP is, why did you wait until 1 week before the wedding to ask the bride what’s going on? It seems you could’ve avoided a lot of drama–or at least put your mind at ease–by questioning the bride’s unusual behavior as soon as it started happening. The answer she gave you 1 week pre-wedding was obviously just a brush-off.

And no, I’m not blaming you for the incident. I’m just thinking maybe a little ‘pre-emptive action’ could’ve resolved things, or at least set your mind at ease.

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Cat February 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Mom, aunt, and friend, all together now, “No!”

Reminds me of a friend I had who would borrow my vacation home for her friends and relatives to use and then leave it in a mess for me to clean up the next time I got up there. I always cleaned before so I left so I’d come up to a clean house. She lived next door so it wasn’t a stretch for her to come over and tidy up once they had left.

She did this several times. She was highly offended when I refused to allow her to use it again and said I “should have discussed it with her!” What discussion would there be? Did she really think she was going to use my property for free and me for her maid and that that would be up for “discussion” ?

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MoniCAN February 21, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I too am curious-why so much trash? What kind of ceremony makes a “room that was full of trash”?

Admin’s thoughts are the same as mine in that having the Mother of the Bride on trash duty was an extra epic planning failure. Unless the bride hates her mother. Then it was well plotted.

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Jelly Rose February 21, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I know you should hold to childhood promises, when I was a kid I promised my cousin she would be my maid of honor at my wedding, but at the time and growing up I didn’t think I would ever really marry. Come nearly twenty years down the line I did meet the man of my dreams and did get married, my best friend, old roomate and sister in law made up my bride’s maid, my cousin was lamenting afterwards how I cut her out of my wedding after we promised…

But as for the whole being made to clean up, it sucks and that was extremely rude of the bride to do so.

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Jay February 21, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I don’t see that the OP has any unreasonable expectations of actually being the MOH here. She does have expectations that the bride isn’t telling her an ongoing stream of lies, though.

What on earth does the trash consist of?

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TheVapors February 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I’d feel a little hurt, too.

No, we shouldn’t be held to the things we promise from when we’re little kids, but the OP was still asked to be an attendant when both women were adults. That doesn’t mean the bride has to be best friends forever with the OP, but she asked her to pick up trash after her wedding. I’d feel put off.

The only part of the story that was really unnecessary was the “I said she looked pretty even though she looked fat” comment. Really, OP? The rest of the story was enough. That type of snide remark just makes the OP look petty and bitter.

I guess, like Admin, I’m more put off that the bride asked her mother and aunt to pick up trash.

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AthenaC February 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Couple of thoughts, and I am curious why the Admin and others are jumping to certain conclusions:

“Fast-forward to adulthood …”

Yes, relationships can and do change between childhood and adulthood, but I cannot have been the only one who read what came next –

“Of course we get all excited and giddy.”

So clearly they were still in touch enough to mutually enthuse about each other’s weddings. So it’s a bit of a stretch to just jump to “Oh you can’t hold people to childhood promises.” Come on – it’s not as if the OP just dropped in out of the blue after years of silence and said, “Here I am!” That said, of course Molly didn’t HAVE to make her maid-of-honor, but Molly was extremely cowardly and thoughtless in both: 1) not being upfront; and 2) treated like janitorial staff. None of the proposed “explanations” for why the OP was treated the way she was excuse Molly’s treatment of the OP, even if the most sinister of everyone’s theories is true.

The bit about the “HUGE” crush on the fiance is kinda vague. As another poster noted, she may just have some vestigial awkwardness from that huge crush that she was oh-so-vocal about when she was 9 or so. Or she could have slept with the fiance a week before the engagement. Who knows? Not us.

Anyway – after being treated like crap by the bride, I can certainly understand the snarky tone of the story. Yes, yes – I know Mother Teresa would have been perfectly calm, objective, and (frankly) saintly in writing the same story if it had happened to her, but clearly neither the OP or any of us is her. Not that it would hurt any of us to try to be more like her! ;)

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Jane February 24, 2012 at 5:23 pm

My thoughts as well – how close were the bride and OP at the time of the engagements/wedding planning? That makes a huge difference.

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Lexie February 22, 2012 at 1:48 am

How hard would it have been for the bride to sit down the OP and say, ‘Listen, you are one of my closest friends and I absolutely want you there at the wedding, but because of your history with the groom and his family, I’d like to invite you as a guest,’ of course altered to fit whatever reason that the bride has for excluding a friend and then lying about the wedding party.

That’s the bit that annoys me – the bride clearly knew that she was doing something wrong because she lied about her attendants. The bit that infuriates me is the idea that family or guests should provide a cleaning service for the bride. There is no way I would have accepted cleaning duty. And for a mother and grandmother to miss part of the reception, yikes!

The bride does not sound like a particularly good friend – I cannot abide by lying. I’d probably leave her on the Christmas card list and maybe send her a wedding announcement but I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding.

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WildIrishRose February 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

I have a friend who married a man I thought I might marry one day. I wasn’t invited to the wedding, which was fine, and we are still friends. I have to think OP wasn’t quite over Groom and Bride may have known this. And the happy ending part is that I married a wonderful man and am very happy.

As for trash detail, my family VOLUNTEERED to clean up after my wedding, which was relatively small, and which would have ensured that they got to keep things like decorations that we’d worked hard to make or purchase. But the church we married in insisted on us paying for a janitorial service, which really irritated me. If a bride and her family want to save the money and clean up themselves, so what? Who’s to say that’s wrong? We don’t know that the bride here MADE her mother and aunt clean up. Perhaps they did it because they wanted to so that nobody had to pay anyone to do it. That might sound cheap, but weddings are expensive and if the family wants to save that little bit of money, why shouldn’t they?

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Gracie C. February 24, 2012 at 10:52 am

From the OP: “By the time we all arrived at the reception, cocktail hour was over and the wedding party had already made their entrance. Her poor Mother was beside herself.”

That doesn’t sound like her mother agreed to it. And even if she had, it was still rude to proceed with wedding events before the mom and others arrive – even if they volunteered to help out.

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Angel February 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I hate the term “attendant” and everything that it implies. It sounds to me like a glorified maid that does not get any pay.

I do not feel sorry for the bride at all. She should have been honest with her friend from the get-go. I can’t stand it when people take the coward’s way out. If you don’t want the person in your wedding party, TELL them! It least it would have somewhat salvaged the friendship. Have enough respect for them to tell them the truth. What the bride did showed a complete lack of regard for the OP. Really. What a slimeball.

If I were the OP I would never speak to this person again.

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German Shepherd February 22, 2012 at 7:33 pm

The bride was definitely in the wrong for 1. making her mother and aunt clean up & 2. not being straightforward and honest with the OP about the OP’s role in the wedding. However, I’d like to hear the other side of this story because I’m suspicious of the OP’s role in it.

When she said, “I had always had a HUGE crush on her fiance and I was convinced I was going to marry him one day.” That waved a flag to me. When she started unnecessarily going into detail about how the bride’s dress fit [the bride], the flag waved harder. There’s two sides to this story, and I just wonder how the OP treated the bride before and during the wedding.

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Felis D February 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Regarding the questions from the commenters about how you can have so much trash after a wedding… Oh, I can believe there’d be that much trash after a wedding.

I’ve volunteered as an usher for a community theatre troupe for a number of years. On average, about 100-150 people attend the performances; on really good nights, we get 180 or 200, but those are rare. That’s about the size of your average-to-large-sized wedding.

We usually have about 5 ushers per show, and after the show, one of our duties is to pick up the trash in the theatre. With 5 people, this takes about 15-20 minutes. The garbage we pick up is primarily programmes, ticket stubs, tissues and candy wrappers that the patrons leave behind. Even with only 100 people, that fills a good sized garbage bag.

Now for a wedding, I imagine that if the bride had about 100-120 people at her wedding, she probably had programs for most if not all of them, fans if it was a hot day, tissues and candy wrappers because people are people, and any confetti-like stuff that may have been thrown. I imagine that all the wedding decorations would have had to come down as well, which adds to the pile.

If a theatre takes 5 people 15 minutes to clean, I can see it easily taking about 30 minutes or more for only 3 people to clean up the detritus after your average wedding. And if they had to tool around to find some place to throw that stuff away, that would take more time. I’m surprised they only missed the cocktail hour.

It’s a shitty way to treat your mother, aunt and long-time, supposed friend. The very, very least they could have done is gotten them some more help and held up the presentation of the bride and groom until the MOB arrived at the reception.

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Miss Raven February 23, 2012 at 2:22 pm

There’s definitely something missing from this story, but I certainly don’t know what it is. It sounds from the opening paragraph that the OP and Molly are still at least somewhat close in adulthood. And for the crowd wondering if the whole escapade was due to OP’s “history” with the groom, I keep thinking about the girlfriends I’ve had since childhood and all the boys since then we have been “convinced” we were going to marry.

In adulthood, if I were marrying one of my good friend’s old crushes, I can’t imagine this would be a reason to exclude her and treat her poorly. Especially if she were also engaged, and clearly over my fiance! I feel like at the very least the whole situation would be good for a laugh between we three. And if my friend was marrying a boy I used to be gaga for, would it affect me enough to convince the bride that I should be excluded? God, no. Because we’re friends, and we’re grown-ups. This explanation is riddled with holes.

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honeybadger February 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I cleaned up the church after my daughter’s wedding, simply because I didn’t feel right asking anyone else to do, nor could afford a janitorial service.

There was alot of stuff that had to be picked up–the plastic bags from the tuxes, and the paper stuff that comes in the shoes; all the wedding programs left behind, the boxes from the florist with the flowers, etc.

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twik February 23, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I would be more sympathetic to the OP if she hadn’t dropped the offhand comment that she had a crush on the groom, and that “there is some history between the groom, his family, and myself”.If the crush had gotten to the point that not only the groom, but his family, were aware of it to the point of awkwardness, something is going on that we are not being told.

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Surianne February 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

I agree, that’s just what I was thinking and why it seemed bigger than just a crush from childhood to me.

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Angeldrac February 24, 2012 at 1:18 am

Re: the amount of trash
Possibly some sort of morning/afternoon tea was held after the ceremony to bridge the gap before the reception? Not uncommon in my community.

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Gracie C. February 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

Doesn’t sound like it since the mom and others missed the cocktail hour and part of the reception itself.

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Lisa February 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

Is the OP telling the truth regarding the situation with the mom though?

Both her ‘crush on groom’ and her passive-agressive ‘fat girl in a tight weddingdress’ comment make me think she’s trying to paint her (former) friend in an unfavorable light. Why do we automatically assume she’s telling the truth when it comes down to the trash-situation?
About the crush: if it was just an innocent one when she was five, why would the groom’s family have a problem with it?
This one just doesn’t sit right with me. The weddingdress comment was very mean-spirited and not needed at ALL to tell the story. A real friend wouldn’t say that, especially so publicly. Because of this, I choose not to believe the rest of what the OP is saying. Shame on her for being so mean to her friend. I can see why the guy picked Molly and not the OP.

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acr February 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

“I’m not sure what the bride here meant by “attendant”, but I always thought an attendant and bridesmaid were the same thing.”

I think the bride declared the LW the attendant for the precise purpose of jerking her around and having free labor, etc. She wasn’t a bridesmaid, so therefore it was okay for the bride to leave her out of the fun stuff – the bachelorette party, the rehearsel dinner – but as an attendant the OP was expected to get there early, stay late and step and fetch for the bride.

BTW, I think that the mom and aunt of the bride, after seeing how the bride treated the OP, should have insisted she leave early.

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Enna March 1, 2012 at 11:29 am

I think the OP should have asked Molly what her plans are sooner. Things change over time.

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Cupcake March 6, 2012 at 2:04 am

I think the Admin was a bit harsh here. It’s true that Molly wasn’t obliged to fulfil a childhood promise, but I think the OP understood that – it seems she was more upset about being asked to be an attendant then being left out of almost everything, being lied to about the bridal party being family-only, being told (not asked) to clean up and being ignored at the reception! Molly should either have explained that she didn’t want OP in her bridal party or included her properly. Neither of those things happened and the OP has a right to be upset about that.

However, I do agree there’s another side to this story. The wedding dress comment makes it sound like OP is either jealous or unkind or both, and the crush-induced-awkwardness sounds like she acted inappropriately at some point (his whole family knew enough about it for things to be awkward?) or she simply wants to think that everything is about her. As does the car comment – driving an unairconditioned car on a hot day is unpleasant, but I don’t see what this has to do with the bride, other than her deliberately inconsiderate decision to get married on a warm day when she knew perfectly well that the OP’s car trip would have been more comfortable in cooler weather.

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savage April 21, 2012 at 4:22 am

Not only is is weird that their was so much trash, and that a janitor was not available, but who the hell asks their mother to pick up the trash, and where the hell was the bridebitch’s daddy?

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