Former Exes In the Bridal Party Sparks Jealousy

by admin on January 31, 2012

I have a question about pairing ex’s during my wedding processional:

My fiance has a friend (Mariah) that he would like to be his “groomsgirl” and I have a friend (Phil) that I’d like to have as my “bridesman”. Phil and Mariah dated for about three years but they have been broken up for eight years and Phil has been dating someone new (Vicky) for six of them. I’d like to have them walk down the aisle together since our other attendant are walking in boy-girl pairs.

It’s important to note that neither Phil or Mariah will have any problem with this. They have remained very close friends for years and I know they’d have a lot of fun being paired as friends. The issue is Vicky. Vicky is NOT a fan of Mariah’s and has had some big problems with Phil and Mariah being friends (very, very innocent friends). I know Vicky wouldn’t throw some major tantrum at the ceremony but I can see her giving Phil hell about it and sitting there with quite the sour look on her face.

I don’t want to switch them as attendants (ie: make her my bridesmaid and him FH’s groomsman) because, while we are all friends, each of us is closer to our chosen attendant. I have other girlfriends to whom I’m closer who I think would be hurt to see her in my party when I didn’t ask them. Besides, we like the idea and we each want these close friends to be with us.

So, what should I do? Should we just cut them both to spare Vicky’s feelings and any possible problems for Phil? Or should we proceed with our plan and let her just get over it herself? My fiancee is definitely pushing for the latter but I’m really aiming for a drama-free wedding. 0130-12

While your concern is admirable, this is a situation where you need to mind your own business about the issues Phil and Vicky may have with their relationship.   If neither Phil nor Mariah has expressed a problem with how the processional is arranged, then you are good to go.   What happens between Phil and his girlfriend is between them, especially since your wedding is not the first time Vicky’s jealousy has manifested itself.

{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah January 31, 2012 at 5:50 am

I think Vicky should be given an out. If I were Phil I would say “Do you think you are able to deal with seeing me walk down the aisle with Mariah? You know I do not want to ask you to do something you do not feel ready to do. OP will understand if you cannot attend.” She should be faced with the reality – albeit politely – you will behave as if nothing is wrong or you are not coming.

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Rowan January 31, 2012 at 6:19 am

I’d say go with your original plan. If Vicky has major issues then she is going to have them just from Mariah being present in the same room, talking to Phil etc. You can’t plan for every eventuality. If Phil’s said he wants to be part of your wedding party then I’m guessing he knows his girlfriend may get the hump but is prepared to deal with that because he wants to be there for you two.

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MellowedOne January 31, 2012 at 7:26 am

Personally, I feel Vicky is being unfairly painted as the ‘jealous girlfriend’. When me and my now hubby (of 25 years+) became involved, all past relationships became that, the past. What woman wants her man to maintain close ties to his former girlfriend? And, in Vicky’s case, what woman wants to attend a social function where she will have to watch her long-term boyfriend enjoying an evening paired up with his formal girlfriend whom he is still quite close to?

I agree that their relationship is none of the OP’s business. But she is aware that what she’s asking will add fuel to an already burning fire, and that it will bring unnecessary drama to her wedding. My suggestion: since they are wanted in the wedding so badly, change their positions in the wedding party so that Phil and Mariah are not paired up.

Quite often, when a person does what they have ‘the right’ to do, they overlook that it is not always the kind thing to do.

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Jennifer January 31, 2012 at 8:55 am

I have to totally disagree. For me, a person being upset that their SO’s ex is merely in the same room as them (or participating in a wedding together) is a huge red flag of insecurity.

I am still friends with my high school boyfriend, for instance, and there is no attraction between us anymore. If “Vicky” is this jealous and controlling, the OP will be doing Phil a favor by not conceding to it.

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Gracie C. January 31, 2012 at 10:16 am

I’m with Jennifer. I think it’s fine that you and your husband made that decision, MellowedOne, but I don’t think it’s mandatory of couples. My husband and I are both still friends with exes – one of my exes is one of my best friends, and one of his best friends is a woman he dated very briefly. There are reasons those relationships didn’t work out, but the friendships survived. We both have many opposite sex friends and neither of us would have a problem with the scenario presented. If this was a woman who had dumped Phil, who he never got over, then maybe Vicky would be justified in having concerns, but that does not appear to be the case. That said, if Vicky’s thoughts on exes follow along the lines of yours, then Phil needs to make a decision if he can agree to that or not. If he can’t, they should move on. There isn’t one answer that is right vs. wrong, but not seeing eye-to-eye on issues like this is where couples get into trouble.

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Diana January 31, 2012 at 10:42 am

I’m with you Jennifer. My husband is close enough with one of his ex’s that she and her whole family came to our wedding, and this didn’t bother me in the least. His ex is a very nice person, and while we will never be best friends, I am happy that they are both mature enough to still have a friendly relationship. I think Vicky needs to trust her boyfriend, if he wanted to be with Mariah, he would be with Mariah. But since he and Vicky have been together for 6 years, she should be secure enough in their relationship that she shouldn’t freak out over something like this.

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Serenity S. January 31, 2012 at 9:53 am

I agree with Mellowed One. Just pair them with different people.

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Gracie C. January 31, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The OP already explained that they had no desire to switch sides so pairing them with other people is not an option. Mariah is the only female on the groom’s side, and Phil is the only male on the Bride’s side.

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Bint January 31, 2012 at 7:59 am

It’s been so long ago – and Vicky has dated Phil twice as long as Mariah did – that I think she should get over it and you should do as you wish. It isn’t your problem and you’re very unlikely to care or notice what Vicky does on your wedding day.

That said, I feel for the poor girl. This:
“They have remained very close friends for years and I know they’d have a lot of fun being paired as friends.”

Yeah, I bet so many girls would be thrilled to have their entire relationship spent with their boyfriend’s ex as a ‘very close friend’.

“Vicky is NOT a fan of Mariah’s and has had some big problems with Phil and Mariah being friends (very, very innocent friends). ”

Well, she’s not alone. Many people dislike their partners being close friends with their exes because they believe the emotional intimacy remaining cheats their own relationship. Really, if I’d had my entire relationship with my boyfriend’s ex his ‘very close friend’ having ‘a lot of fun’ and then walking down the aisle together at a wedding, I wouldn’t be particularly fond of Mariah either. Vicky probably feels like an outsider, overshadowed and constantly compared.

Not that this should affect any of your decisions, but I’m just not surprised she feels the way she does.

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No Wedding January 31, 2012 at 10:07 am

That’s what I was thinking, the “very close friends” thing isn’t cool with me. As Bint said, not that this should affect the bride’s decisions, but I’m not surprised Vicky has a problem with it either.

Being friendly with an ex or any member of the opposite sex at work/school/whatever and that friend socializing with the couple, OK. Exes being friendly enough to be able to relate as friends throughout a wedding where you two are paired up as attendants together, great. Being so “friendly” with a person of the opposite sex that your current girlfriend has big problems with it? Major red flag.

Please understand that I know there are some people who are jealous with no justification whatsoever, and that is their issue to deal with, not someone elses. But also know that I used to be a heck of a lot more tolerant of the opposite sex friends thing until I was cheated on with a “very close friend” and witnessed multiple friends have the same thing happen to them.

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Wink-n-Smile January 31, 2012 at 10:38 am

She may feel that way, but a mature person realizes that someone else’s friendship is not a personal affront to them, that his friendship with Mariah does not lessen his love for her, and that she needs to behave in a civil manner.

Personally, I’d be happy if my SO was such great friends with an ex. It shows great maturity that he is able to look at her as a human being, and not just an object for sex. Do you know how many people truly believe that males and females CANNOT be just friends, because they always have sex on the brain? It’s mind-boggling, but true. Furthermore, an SO who has a great friend of the opposite sex will always have someone to go to for advice on how to treat you well. “My girlfriend is having a birthday, and I want suggestions for a surprise gift. You’re a girl. What do you think she’d like?”

But then again, I’m not paranoid about it, and don’t believe that love is a zero-sum game.

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Bint January 31, 2012 at 11:29 am

But how do you know what Vicky has to deal with? You don’t. None of us does. Maybe she is paranoid. Or maybe she has indeed been overshadowed and made to feel like an outsider with Mariah the ‘if only’ girl to many people in Phil’s life. I have friends who have to live their lives knowing that their in-laws wish the ex were still around and who make that very clear, but whose partners don’t understand why they find it difficult, even though they try.

“Personally, I’d be happy if my SO was such great friends with an ex.”

What, even if she’d been a psycho? Even if she were blatantly still in love with him? Even if your SO’s mother and friends clearly preferred her to you? Even if she came onto him when drunk? Please. It’s not that black and white. And if you are, maybe Vicky isn’t. It doesn’t mean she’s automatically immature or stupid. It might just be a situation that for various reasons – some of which could be excellent – she finds hurtful and extremely hard to handle.

Note I don’t think the bride should take this into consideration in her wedding plans. It isn’t her problem. I just don’t think we can write off Vicky and be superior about her because she suffers jealousy. The OP may say she has no cause to, but nobody can swear to that except Vicky and Phil.

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Gracie C. January 31, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Bint – I agree to the point that if it’s a problem for Vicky then it’s a problem for Vicky. But if Mariah is still around and it’s still a problem, then Vicky needs to either learn to live with it, or move on to someone who shares her views about past relationships being over and done with. Relationships just don’t work in the long term if people don’t agree on issues like this. And since in the 6 years they have been together Phil hasn’t let go of the friendship, I think where he stands is obvious. What Vicky doesn’t get to do is sit at someone’s wedding with a sour puss, seathing at his boyfriend (which is what the OP expects). I know you said that you don’t expect the OP to take Vicky into account when making the plans, but the fact that the OP knows enough to even consider Vicky says to me that Vicky’s discomfort is public knowledge. Can’t imagine that’s a healthy situation for anyone, and can’t imagine it will end well when it does – and it will.

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Ange January 31, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Here’s my 0.02: Vicky came into the relationship with her boyfriend knowing that Mariah was friends with him and was going to be in the picture. She chose to stay therefore with her tacit acceptance of the situation she really has no right to be jealous about it.

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Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 10:07 am

Yep. And if she didn’t know at first, then she surely did, at some point over the last six years. So, if it was OK all that time, why make it such an issue *now*?

Kate February 7, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I agree, Ange. I know I’m not the sort of person who would be okay with my partner being close friends with an ex, but this is the sort of thing you become aware of fairly early on. If I realised the person I was with had friendships which I would always be uncomfortable with, it would probably not be worth staying and forcing him to choose between us.

Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 10:06 am

You said: The OP may say she has no cause to, but nobody can swear to that except Vicky and Phil.

Actually, nobody can swear to that except Mariah and Phil. They are the only ones who truly know the full extent and nature of their relationship. Vicky may suspect, but she doesn’t know, and what she suspects may very well be false.

If any of the situations you listed (such as all the friends and family loudly wishing he’d get back with Mariah) were true, I think the OP would have at least hinted at them. She did not, however, and said it was all on the up and up. That points to paranoid jealousy on Vicky’s part. Because, let’s face it, if there is nothing there, then she’s jumping at shadows.

Mind you, I’ve seen the very situation you mention, with the in-laws wishing for the ex. It IS hurtful, and in that case, he should clearly cut ties with her, just to shut those people UP. Or maybe cut ties with them, just to shut them up. Either way, he should shut them up because it’s not their place to choose his wife. And that’s on PHIL, not Mariah, nor Vicky. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

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Shoegal January 31, 2012 at 9:10 am

Very Close Friends with an Ex?? No wonder Vicky feels as she does. I doubt any mature person would throw a tantrum but I wouldn’t be too happy about my boyfriend walking down the aisle and having fun with a close female friend.

My advice is not to shove this in Vicky’s face. Have them in the wedding party but don’t pair them up together – Mariah and Phil sound as if they would be fine with that arranagement and although making Vicky comfortable shouldn’t be your first concern – it would probably help a lot in the drama department.

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alli_wan January 31, 2012 at 9:59 am

I think Vikcy should get over herself, frankly. It’s a wedding, and her boyfriend is NOT the person getting married.

However, it seems totally reasonable to me that the Best Persons/Persons of Honor could each walk up the aisle alone rather than as a pair. If putting them into a boy-girl pair is going to cause anxiety and stress, don’t do it. The wedding will not be unbalanced because not everyone came up the aisle paired.

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Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 10:11 am

But neither of them are the Best Person/Person of Honor. They are bridesman and groomswoman.

Another solution, I suppose, would be to have the attendants walk down the side aisles, all completely separate from everybody else. Then all heads turn to the center aisle for the bride.

If they’re not paired together for dancing and picture poses, then it’s all of 30 seconds of walking, in public, with everyone watching you, and what does any reasonable person imagine will happen, under those circumstances? They’re not going to jump each other and get it on, in the middle of the aisle.

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Enna January 31, 2012 at 10:05 am

It is a trickey one. It is good if someone can be firends with their ex’s rather then hate them. However if someone is really close with their ex it can cause doubts for b.f/g.f as Bint said Vicki may feel an outsider. She could be a jealous g.f but she could have geninue reasons for being concerned. I can see it from both sides. Would Mariah and Phil be “paired” together for the reception as well? Does Mariah have a b.f you can invite to the wedding? Maybe Vicky won’t feel so threatened then?

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Jay January 31, 2012 at 10:06 am

“Sparing Vicki’s feelings” seems ridiculous. This doesn’t make you a bridezilla. This is Vicki and Paul’s issue, and (as the admin said), it’s between them. If he’s not expressing concern, do what you want. I wouldn’t suggest forcing them to DANCE together at the reception or anything like that, but walking down the aisle shouldn’t be a problem for anyone reasonable.

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Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 9:44 am

Exactly. They’re walking. side by side. It’s not a date, and they are not joined at the hip for the rest of the night. In fact, they may not even be required to touch, at all.

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Wendy January 31, 2012 at 10:59 am

I think Vicky is probably justified in feeling threatened only because if she has worries about the continuing friendship between Phil and Mariah and Phil has chosen to not cool the friendship for the sake of the woman he’s involved with, there’s something wrong. If he loves Vicky enough to remain with her that long, then one would assume she’s a very important part of his life. If she feels threatened, then Mariah has to take a much smaller role in his life. I suspect there’s more, since OP has to keep emphasizing how innocent the friendship is.

A decision must be made, then. Whose feelings are more important? The long time girlfriend, or the former one? I think it would be easiest for all concerned for Phil and Mariah to be given other things to do that wouldn’t involve them working with each other, and also to make sure Vicky is somehow included. After all, she is Phil’s girlfriend…right?

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Anonymous January 31, 2012 at 12:19 pm

If she feels threatened by an ex 6 years in, they have far bigger problems.

If “Vicky” is upset over her ex being friends with someone or being in a wedding together and is this way for six years, Phil needs to DTMFA.

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Gracie C. January 31, 2012 at 1:30 pm

“Whose feelings are more important? The long time girlfriend, or the former one?”

If you’re asking in terms of the wedding – well, the former girlfriend as she is actually IN the wedding party. If your asking in terms of the relationship then it’s not an either or, as surely Phil’s feelings should come into play as well.

As for making sure Vicky is included? Um – they do not have to include their friend’s insecure girlfriend in their wedding just to keep the peace. They have to invite her, sure, but they don’t have to make them part of anything.

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Lola January 31, 2012 at 11:33 am

If the extent of Phil & Mariah’s co-duties only involves the processional, I agree the OP should not concern herself with the potential fallout with Vicky. I do, however, applaud OP’s sensitivity and would urge her not to push the two together at the reception or force them to make cutesy poses together for the photos. There could be a variety of reasons why Vicky is not comfortable with Phil and Mariah’s closeness, none of which are for outsiders to speculate on. Publicly, Vicky has a duty to remain composed as Phil conducts his duty to the bride and Phil has a duty to remain within bounds of propriety as he interacts with Mariah or anyone else, for that matter.

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Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 9:46 am

Exactly!

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Ashley January 31, 2012 at 11:47 am

Vickey needs to get over herself. End of discussion. It isn’t her wedding, and the bride and groom should be able to arrange their bridal party how they wish.

I mean come on, he’s going to spend 30 seconds walking down an aisle with her, eat dinner at opposite ends of the same table, and MAYBE have a dance with her. The rest of the time he’s going to be able to hang out with Vickey.

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Meegs January 31, 2012 at 12:20 pm

POD. That type of jealousy is so bizarre to me, I can’t imagine living my life like that. I feel bad for Vicky but I don’t think the OP should have to feed into it at her own wedding.

@ Wendy, it’s not a comparison of feelings between the current girlfriend and the ex. Most likley Phil is not staying friends with Miranda to spare her feelings. They have stayed friends because, well, they’re friends! A more fitting comparison, IMO would be putting his own feelings of wanting to continue his (innocent) friendship with Miranda before Vicky’s (irrational, in my opinion) feelings of jealousy.

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Lynne January 31, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Unless (the plot thickens) Vicky isn’t sitting next to him at the table. That might be something that the bride-to-be might want to be sensitive to, since she genuinely seems to want to minimize tension, insofar as it is her power to do so. Will the current arrangements/plans allow Vicky time to spend with her sweetie, or will Phil’s duties as a member of the bridal party mean that he won’t have much of a chance to interact with her?

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--Lia January 31, 2012 at 12:13 pm

How does the LW know that Vicky would give Phil hell about walking down the aisle with Mariah? Has Vicky told her? Has Phil? There’s a speculation that Vicky would be uncomfortable, but we don’t know this for sure.

So when I tally up my pro and con charts, I get this: If Phil and Mariah walk together, there’s the possibility of making one invited guest (Vicky) uncomfortable. The advantage is that there’s an easy symmetry to the pairing. Phil and Mariah don’t care one way or the other. They don’t mind being paired, but they haven’t requested it and wouldn’t mind being paired with others.

So you’re really pitting Vicky’s discomfort on the one hand (whether or not you think she’s justified is irrelevant) versus your idea of how everyone will look walking down the aisle on the other. Redo the pairings. Maybe base them on height if you’re concerned with symmetry and appearance.

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Gracie C. February 1, 2012 at 12:24 am

If they were typical bridesmaids and groomsmen -that solution would work. But they are on the opposite side than usual. So, say the bride’s side is Phil, Becky, Clara and Betty, and the Groom’s side is Mariah, Jeff, Kyle and Bill you would see pairings such as:

Becky & Jeff
Clara and Kyle
Betty and Bill
Phil and Mariah

Each would come down the aisle and go on the side they of their respective person – splitting naturally at the end. If you rearrange based on anything else, then at some point, two people for the grooms side are going to come down (say Mariah and Bill), and two of the bride’s people will come down at the same time (Betty and Phil). Might seem a little awkward at the aisle. One side suddenly has 4 people and the other side only has 2 while they wait for the other group. It just might not be the flow that they want and as ONLY Vicky has a problem with it – I’m not convinced they need to be concerned.

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Calypso January 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

For those who are saying “of course Vicki doesn’t want to see Phil walking with his ex!”—let me join the chorus of exes as friends. My sweetie’s ex-wife is my best friend, and one of his closest friends (her DH is also a terrific person and our friend). I’ve been to a party where I knew 3 (and possibly more ) of the other women present had been romantically involved with him in the past. I didn’t turn a hair. He’s with me, so what’s to be concerned about?

(Besides, if I admire him—and I do—it’s probable I’ll also like the people he’s felt were worthy of being close to in the past. Frankly, he has *excellent* taste in women ;)

I’m not meaning to belittle anyone else’s feelings. I just wanted the “conventional wisdom” ladies to know that there are lots of happy un-conventional situations out there.

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German Shepherd January 31, 2012 at 4:06 pm

“I don’t want to switch them as attendants (ie: make her my bridesmaid and him FH’s groomsman) ”

Huh? How will that solve the problem? This part confused me.

I agree with the Admin. Let Phil and Vicky deal with it. That’s their business and since you’re sure Vicky isn’t a tantrum throwing type of girl, you shouldn’t worry much.

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Gracie C. February 1, 2012 at 12:26 am

I think she meant if they were in the traditional role – Mariah standing up for the bride, Phil standing up for the groom they could have paired them with other members of the other side. But as Phil is the only boy on the bride’s side and Mariah is the only girl on the groom’s side that leaves them naturally paired together.

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OP February 1, 2012 at 10:05 am

They are the only members of the opposite sex in our respective parties so in order to pair them with other people we would switch them so our attendants are all the same sex. Ie: she is my bridesmaid and walks with a different groomsman and vice versa

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Library Diva February 1, 2012 at 11:12 am

“I don’t want to switch them as attendants (ie: make her my bridesmaid and him FH’s groomsman) ”

Huh? How will that solve the problem? This part confused me.

Me too, at first. I get it now. If Mariah was a bridesmaid and Phil was a groomsman, they could then be paired with other people of the opposite sex. If they leave Phil as a “bridesman,” the options are either that he walks with Mariah or he walks with another man.

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Another Laura February 1, 2012 at 11:13 am

Because then she could pair them with different attendants, but it would be strange to have the “bridesman” escort a bridesmaid and the “groomsgirl” being escorted by a groomsman.
However, even if her husband-to-be is closer to Mariah and she is closer to Phil, they could still switch them if that would solve all other problems. It’s fairly common for sisters of the groom to be bridesmaids and brothers of the bride to be groomsmen, and there is no reason for them to be switched even if the bride has a closer relationship to her brother than the groom does (highly likely) and the groom knows his sister better than the bride does.

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Garrett February 1, 2012 at 11:18 am

He is her only male attendent and vice versa for the groom. She wants a bridal attendant and a groom attendant to walk together, so by default, these 2 would have to walk together to keep with the boy-girl aspect. If they switched sides, conceivably the person could walk with one of the other attendants.

Hope that makes sense. It did in my head.

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OP February 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

That is exactly what I meant

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Cat January 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm

When I was at university, we had to carpool to a required event as only a few of us had cars. The one male in the class was asked if he would like to carpool with five of us ladies. His wife told him he was not allowed to be in a car with us. None of us had any interest in him other than getting him from class to event and back.

At the time I thought his wife needed to decide whether she had faith in their relationship or not. If not, on what was their marriage based- I’ll trust you only if I can watch you like a hawk?

If Vicky is not comfortable enough to allow her boyfriend to walk down the aisle of a church in front of an entire congregation with another lady, even one of whom she is jealous, I think she should save up and buy him a chastity belt, collar, and leash so she can relax.

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Wink-n-Smile February 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

I can understand if she said he wasn’t allowed to ride in the car with only one woman, and no one else there. Being alone with a woman is much more tempting. So easy to pull off into a dark parking lot on the way home.

However, FIVE women? Surely at least one of these FIVE women could act as chaperone. Does she really think her husband would get it on with FIVE women, at once?!

Wow. Either she’s ridiculously insecure, or he has some incredible, ahem, ability, of which she is aware, and his history must be something worthy of a Jacqueline Suzanne novel.

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Kate February 7, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Five women at once, indeed! I’m amazed she let him leave the house for university.

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Library Diva February 1, 2012 at 11:10 am

I’m with you, Cat, I always thought that type of jealousy was insane.

I used to play the online game World of Warcarft quite a bit. Many of the activities in the game require you to group with several other players to complete them. There was a guy on my server who would seek other players for these activities, but specify that they couldn’t be playing a female character because his wife would get jealous. Never mind that it could be a 50-year-old man or a 12-year-old boy controlling the female character; never mind that several of the types of female characters in the game were unattractive in the extreme (one race is undead with matted hair, glowing eyes, and a skin-and-bones body type; another looks like a humanoid cow; and a third, the orc race, looks about as sexy as the orcs from Lord of the Rings).

If I was married to someone that jealous and controlling, I’d spend as much of my time buried in some other activity as possible, too.

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GroceryGirl February 8, 2012 at 8:21 am

She won’t even be alone. Her sister is my fiacee’s brother’s girlfriend (told you, small circle) and a number of mutual friends will be there. She will be far from lonely.

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chechina January 31, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I agree with the Admin on this one. But if it’s really such a problem for everyone, why not have the bridesman walk with a groomsman and the groomsgirl walk with a bridesmaid?

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OP January 31, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for all the advice I really appreciate it. I’ve decided to go ahead as planned. I spoke with Phil who doesn’t have a problem with it and he’s the one who will have to deal with any fallout.

In answer to some of the questions: I can’t pair Phil and Mariah with anyone else because they are the only members of opposite sex that FH and I have in our groups. I know it sounds prissy but I like the boy-girl thing we have going. He has two brothers, I have two sisters, it all works out so nicely. Also, they are not taking the best/honor rolls so I don’t want them to walk alone.
Beyond the processional and group photos they will be doing very little together. I’m not even planning to seat them at the same table (no “head” table).

I am not incorporating Vicky into the wedding. She and I get along just great and I like her very much but I’ve known Phil since we were 8, FH has known Mariah since they were 13 and we’ve known Vicky for as long as she’s been with Phil so I’m not mixing her into the party just because it might make her feel better.

The overall question of exes as friends is dependent on the situation. In this group we tend to stay close. Phil and I even dated for a whopping five months in junior year of high school and went to prom together.

Again, thanks for the advice. IMHO I think Vicky overreacts to Phil and Mariah’s relationship but I don’t want anyone crying in the bathroom or anything but since both admin the overwhelming majority say go for, I’m going for it!

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Powers February 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

Just remember that a wedding party is not a matchmaking event. Having gentlemen escort the ladies is a nice gesture, but there’s no need to go to great lengths just to make nice boy-girl pairs.

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Library Diva February 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Given the further information, any concerns Vicky may have seem even more unreasonable. Vicky will be seated alone during the ceremony and have to amuse herself during photos — exactly the same scenario I was presented with in each wedding my fiance was in, where he escorted his sister on one occasion, and friends of the bride he had little or no previous acquaintance with on the other two. Any instances beyond that where Vicky may feel left out or jealous will be created by Phil, and will be Phil and Vicky’s problem. I wouldn’t give this matter another thought, and hope you all have a beautiful wedding day!

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OP February 8, 2012 at 8:22 am

She won’t even be alone during those times: her sister is my fiancee’s, brother’s girlfriend (like I said, this is a small circle) and there will be a number of mutual friends there.

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Sarah Jane February 1, 2012 at 7:39 am

I agree that in terms of your wedding, you should do as you wish and not feel obligated to keep the peace in Phil’s relationship.

That being said, I will not judge Vicky in this situation. As several have mentioned, we don’t know Vicky’s reasons for taking issue with Phil’s and Mariah’s ongoing relationship. All I know is that personally, I would not tolerate my SO’s insistence on remaining buddies with an ex if I had a problem with it, WHATEVER the reasons are. If I were Vicky, I’d have dumped Phil a long time ago.

Or vise versa. They clearly are not on the same page in this matter.

If you are worried about Vicky causing a scene at your wedding, talk to Phil. Their relationship strains are his problem, not yours.

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Enna February 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

How would Phil feel if it was the other way round? His g.f going up with her ex? If he isn’t comfortable with that idea then he would be hypocritical. If Mirah doesn’t have a b.f dose she have a date she could bring ot the wedding?

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Kate February 7, 2012 at 10:39 pm

This is an issue between Phil and Vicky, not you and your FH. You are clearly close to Phil and Mariah and if it would mean a lot to you to include them in your wedding, then go for it.
From the sounds of it, it seems like Phil and Mariah’s only interaction will be walking down the aisle together as paired attendants. It’s not like they’ll be involved in long, late night intimate wedding planning sessions or sneaking away together. Vicky may be put out that she will be seated alone if Phil is at the bridal table, but I’m sure most people have dealt with that when their partner has been in a wedding party and coped with it.

I can be a bit jealous myself and I probably wouldn’t be too happy with my fiance maintaining a close friendship with an ex. However, I had a similar situation a few months into my relationship – he was a groomsman for one of his best mates and an ex-girlfriend was a bridesmaid. They weren’t paired together but they did both sit at the bridal table. He recognised that I might be a bit funny about it and was very reassuring, but it was fine. It’s not like they spent the entire night huddled in a corner reminiscing about old times – they were polite but didn’t chat much.
Vicky needs to remember that Mariah and Phil split up for a reason and it was probably because they were incompatible as partners. Unless it’s a ‘long-lost love of your life’ situation, they probably aren’t going to fall madly in love again over the course of the evening.

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OP June 18, 2012 at 10:18 am

Forever later, in case anyone is interested: Phil and Vicky had a rather spectacular break-up a few weeks before our wedding. The whole thing was handled very poorly (ie: Vicky moved her new boyfriend into their home the same day Phil moved out, which was only a week after they split) and a lot of nasty comments were being flung about. The whole thing made me glad I had decided to proceed with my plans as I wanted. Phil and Mariah walked to aisle together, we all had a great time. Vicky emailed me three days before my wedding asking if she was still allowed to come and, oh, could she bring Nick too because he just loved weddings? Sadly, I was unable to accommodate her request.

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Agania August 27, 2013 at 1:13 am

Oh! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Classic! Well done that you had the polite to be unable to accommodate her request. What a brilliant ending to this whole drama!

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