A Tacky Toasts Collection

by admin on March 29, 2010

Number One

I was at a wedding recently, as mother of the groom. We were really kept out of the planning and participation loop despite numerous inquiries.

The brother of the bride was the master of ceremonies at the reception. Speeches went on for one and a half hours ” all about the bride”  ( her childhood , her teenage rebellion , her aggressive personality).  Then at the very end of the reception, the  master of ceremonies says,  “Well , enough about the bride . Does anyone in the groom’s family have anything to say?”  We were all caught unawares. My husband was able to have the wit to get up and say a 30 second speech and then the rest of us just sat there , stunned by the tastelessness of the whole affair and not really wanting the thing to go on any longer.

The reception was pronounced over by the master of ceremonies and you never saw a crowd leave so quickly.    0819-08

Number Two

My best friend, Sara, was getting married to Mike who was about to leave for the military.  They decided to get married right away because the military pays more to married soldiers and offers better benefits.  I knew this because Sara is my best friend; everyone else just assumed but had the tact not to mention it.  At the reception Sara’s father gave the toast and thanked everyone for coming on such short notice.  He then continued “I know it was all planned pretty quickly but Sara and Mike had to get married or Sara wouldn’t have gotten health insurance.”  I thought I was going to die on their behalf and only felt more appalled when they didn’t seem to even notice how completely distasteful his comment was.  An update, the health insurance wasn’t enough to maintain the marriage and Sara and Mike are currently getting a divorce.  0802-08

Number Three

My father is a fun, family-oriented man, and he was bursting with excitement to give a toast at my sister’s wedding. He’d written and re-written several times,and had been practicing for weeks before the big day. During the toast, he gave a list of emotions that my sister had inspired in him – all of them rhymed (inspiration, anticipation etc.) He then added, “And this is for [me – bride’s sister]..” and added a list of unpleasant emotions, (aggravation, irritation, constipation – yes, he said “constipation”). He meant to say it in a way that meant jokingly that my sister was a bit of a pain as a child. Instead, it appeared as if he was insulting me horribly for no apparent reason. My sister (quite the Bridezilla), beamed, and leaned over to laugh in my ear.  0405-09

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