I have a question for the Hell’s Bells community. I checked the archives, but didn’t see anything quite like this.

My cousin is getting married this summer and invited me to the wedding. The invitation included a link to their wedding website (you know, with the cutsey “How we met” story, information about lodging, directions, registries, etc). There was no paper RSVP and people are supposed to RSVP on the website. I thought that was a good idea, as it saves paper and allows the bride and groom / wedding coordinators to handily see everyone’s RSVP together. HOWEVER, when I went to the webpage, it turns out that you’re supposed to respond, write a cute little note to the bride and groom, and then your RSVP is posted for EVERYONE to see. I don’t see why everyone needs to know whether or not I am going to attend, particularly the bride’s family and friends, whom I’ve never met and probably never will meet.

Also, I live on the other side of the world from my family and will not be able to make the wedding. Everyone knows this, and the invitation was sent to include me as a family member and with no real expectation that I would attend. I still feel very awkward declining in such a public manner.

This is the first time I’ve been invited to a wedding as an adult (with my own special invitation and not included with “Mom, Dad, and children!” Yippee!), so I want to handle this properly. Should I respond as the RSVP website requests? “Thank you for the invite, but I’m unable to come. Congratulations to you both.” Should I instead send a private message via email / facebook? What do you think? Also, what are your thoughts on the whole idea of public RSVPs?   0517-13

Just because someone inserts an RSVP reply card in a paper invitation does not mean you are obligated to use it and just because someone has an web based form for RSVPS does not mean you must use that either.   The proper form of an RSVP to any major life event used to be a handwritten note to the hosts and there are definitely situations in this day and age where it is still the best way to respond to an invitation.   I’d simply write a short declination of the invitation to the wedding on a cute note card, mail it and then send a second card congratulating them on their marriage and possibly including a gift card or check if that is your preferred wedding gift.

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I’ve been in the archives lately reading over stories from the past when I remembered the year I was married. First of all, both my hubby and I are go-with-the-flow people. The only time we like to fight is with each other. The year we decided to get married, both of our brothers also decided to get married. No problem, we thought, this might be fun, 3 parties with family and friends, yeah!

We were the first to get formally engaged and we originally wanted the weekend of Labor Day for our wedding. No sooner had we started talking to my parents about that weekend, my brother and his future wife decided a few weeks later that they should, in fact, be married that day instead. Even joking that they were stealing our idea. In my mind I’m thinking, “Yes. Yes, you are.” But, as I said, flow people, and we promptly moved our wedding date up to June 13 (just a random weekend, nothing special about it). Our wedding was simple, easy, and very subdued so it was easy to move the date.

During the Christmas season, my hubby let his brother know what date we chose and also the day my brother picked, as we were both to be in his wedding party. As it was getting closer to our wedding, I believe the end of April, his brother told us the date of his wedding. Apparently, they loved the idea of having it on Labor Day weekend too! So now, both of our brothers were going to be married on the same day in separate states.

There was so many things wrong with this situation and I don’t really know who is the most rude. My brother was mad at my husband for not being in the wedding party, his wife-to-be was pissed that plans had to be changed and told my hubbs that he should have told his brother no, he was already committed (which I kind of understand, even though nothing was ordered). This is my husband’s only full sibling and his mother made it seem like this was the only thing she had ever asked for in her life; and said not having me there wasn’t really a big deal because I was so new to the family (uh, thanks?, I guess the prior 3 years I wasn’t really family). His brother basically said you have to be there, no other option. Not “I want you there” or “It will mean a lot to me if you were there”, just  “be there”. I was pissed at everyone for being such jerks, so I may be the rudest of them all.

The best part of all this was our wedding was fantastic – everyone had a great time and partied all night long (except his mom, stepdad, brother, and fiancée, who left shortly after dinner was served – we hadn’t even cut the cake yet – they were going on a little weekend vacation and wanted to get it started right away). Our DJ even stayed for 2 hours past his ending because he was having such a good time. The worst part was I became deathly ill the 2 weeks prior to my brother’s wedding. So sick I had to be rushed to the ER during the night because I couldn’t breath and had a horrible lung infection. My best friend had to attend my brother’s wedding with me as I couldn’t drive or stay alone due to the many meds I had to take. My husband was sick to his stomach that he couldn’t be there for me and felt out of place at a wedding where he really didn’t know a lot of people.

We wanted to cancel on both due to my health, but we didn’t want to hear about how horrible we were for not going to either wedding nor did we want to let anyone down. My hubby joked that if only I’d gotten sick a week later, we both could have stayed home and had our own party in the hospital – which is horrible to say but how we felt. So he went to his wedding and I went to mine, which I had to leave as soon as all the formal events were finished to lay down. While we have wonderful memories of our own wedding, we don’t really have many of theirs. In the end, we truly felt there was no good outcome for these events. Both brothers felt their days were more special than the other and us being in the middle made no difference to either one.   0423-13

Your brother’s wife hit the issue square on the head.   Your husband should have honored his commitent to be in your brother’s wedding party.    He accepted the duty and if his word means anything, he should have stood by that commitment he made before ever knowing his own brother’s wedding date.   He clearly gave his brother much advance warning that he was not going to be available that weekend and upon hearing the date conflict, the first words out of his mouth to his brother should have been, “Wow.  I’m really sorry to hear that.  I told you I was already committed on that weekend and I cannot go back on my word at this point.  I am really sorry I cannot be there for you on that date. Are you sure you cannot choose another weekend?”

Bottom line:  You honor your promises, commitments and obligations regardless of how enticing a new offer seems or how manipulatively someone tries to get you to change it.

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Just thought I’d share something that gave me more than a chuckle today.

I saw an update on my phone that a girl I know had sent me an invite to a Stag & Doe party on Facebook. To my understanding, Stag & Doe parties are basically money grabs, with a few lame buy-in games and cash bars, all with the purpose of raising money for the couple to have a wedding that is clearly bigger than they can afford.

Now this is a girl I don’t know all that well, we know each other’s names and have several mutual friends, and have had general chit chat on a few occasions. Of course, all of that is enough to warrant being friended on Facebook! I joked to my fiance that I thought it pretty tacky to be invited to fund a wedding that I had no expectation of being invited to.

Later on, I went on my actual Facebook page and clicked on the invite with the intention of declining (I currently live about 5 hours away from the event anyway). I looked at the event picture, and suddenly realized that I had no idea who this couple was! I had been sent a third-party invite to go shell out money for the wedding of two complete strangers! It took everything I had to not write on the page that as I have MY OWN wedding to worry about (which, incidentally, will NOT be paid for by future guests), I couldn’t possibly care any less about the wedding of people I don’t know. I declined the invitation, and only wrote (since I couldn’t help myself) “congrats to the couple, but I don’t think I’ve ever met them”. Hopefully it’s enough to send the hint that begging strangers for money is weird and inappropriate, even if it is easier to just invite one’s entire friends list. God forbid they had to sift through it to find the people who might actually care to attend.  0512-13

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I’m giving away one “Fashion Emergency Kit” which contains fashion tape strips, deodorant removing sponge, 30 lint removing sheets, safety pin, sewing needle, buttons, thread, 2 white adhesive backed buttons, hair band, nail file, blister pad, shoe shine sponge, stain wipe, and a hypo-allergenic earring backing. Put this in your wedding emergency kit and you are somewhat prepared for any clothing related disaster.

Respond to this post and be sure to use an email address that works. Contest closes the end of the day on Friday.

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I am invited to my boss’s daughter’s wedding. There are over 400 people invited, as he is a very successful businessman in the community. I am attending with my boyfriend. I am conflicted as to what constitutes an appropriate gift. I am familiar with the venue, and I know that the cost per plate will be about $50.00. I typically give $200.00 cash if the wedding is for a close friend/family member. I am close to my boss, but barely know his daughter (although she is very nice, and about the same age as me). I was thinking I would give her something off the registry, but the bride is registered at two places, but every single item on the registry has already been purchased. I am a little strapped as I have 5 weddings to attend this summer, and most of those are for good friends. Do you think I should just bite the bullet and give $200.00, or would an off-registry gift of less value be acceptable? Do you think a boss really expects an employee to give an expensive gift? 0501-13

Your boss should not have an expectation of his daughter receiving anything from anyone, including employees.   In other words, don’t presume that Boss has any expectations.

And you would be wrong to facilitate the erroneous perception that a wedding gift must equal the cost of the meal.

Give what you are comfortable giving.   Often it is not the cost of the gift that can be memorable but the thoughtfulness that went into giving it.   Get creative in your gift giving.  For example,  send 6 chocolate covered strawberries (Shari’s Berries….www.berries.com) to arrive a day or two after the couple arrives home from the honeymoon as a way to sort of “extend” the honeymoon romance.   Cost: $30-ish.

What you should definitely do, without fail, is to thank your boss as you leaving the wedding reception saying, “Thank you so much for inviting us. It was a lovely wedding and we really enjoyed ourselves.”

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Read the entire article HERE
1. “We could go out of business before your big day.”

Wedding spending tumbled 32% during the recession, from an average of $28,730 per event in 2007 to $19,581 in 2009, according to market research firm The Wedding Report. After recovering somewhat, spending now seems to be flattening out — in 2012, the average wedding cost $25,656, an increase of just $25, or less than one-tenth of 1%, over 2011.

Travelers, an insurance company, reports that of wedding insurance claims filed last year due to “vendor problems,” 21% involved caterers going out of business and an additional 11% were related to deejays.

2. “Inspiration boards? More like unrealistic-expectation boards.”

3. “We’ll punish you for those heightened expectations.”

Loring Pasta Bar in Minneapolis has a “bridezilla clause” in its contract, charging overly detail-oriented brides and grooms $5 per email or $12 per 15-minute increment of time required to respond, whichever is less.

The restaurant did not respond to requests for comment, but in 2011 Loring told MarketWatch the clause, which had yet to be enforced, was a safeguard against couples taking up too much of employees’ time.

Well, that’s pretty darn interesting.   I do agree that the wedding industry hypes up the bride to be a consuming, money spending bridezilla but paradoxically despises the Frankenbride it creates.

4. “Tax and tip not included.”

5. “The ballroom you chose only permits ‘approved vendors’ — that cost more.”

Yep, if you book a venue with only approved vendors, you just lost your negotiating leverage to reduce costs.

6. “Hope you’re running on schedule. We’ve overbooked.”

I never ran into this issue of double booking where I live.

7. “This award isn’t exactly an Oscar.”

I’ve known award winning, talented photographers with exception portfolios and web sites who were con artists who took thousands of  dollars from clients and never delivered a single photo.   Always check the Better Business Bureau and even Google.

8. “Do sweat the small stuff — or at least the price tag on the small stuff.”

A plain,white pillar candle at the craft store is the same white pillar candle with a “wedding” tag on it, except that the latter costs about 30% more…at least.   Amusing are the white twinkle lights that get packaged as “wedding” but the same set at Halloween costs a fraction.

9. “We’re eying your bling.”

10. “Every artist was first an amateur, and many still are.”

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My mom and I have been arguing about the tackiness of my sister-in-law during her wedding planning, and I hope you can help us settle this!

My brother and I attended college in the South. While he was a senior, he met a freshman (whose family lived about thirty minutes away from the school). They fell in love, got engaged, and decided to marry in California, about 2,000 miles away.

My sister-in-law asked me to be a bridesmaid, and as I was already back home in California, I offered to do whatever I could to help ease their planning burden. She laughed, said no thanks, and then told me, “Don’t worry, you’ll get there some day.”

Now, this upset me quite a bit. What got me even more upset was that my family was not included in any wedding planning. I was e-mailed her bridesmaid dress of choice, and then also e-mailed the shoes I was to purchase. I was told that we were required to get our hair and makeup done on the day of the wedding. All of these things were to be at our expense.

My family was only told the location of the venue and what time to be there for pictures. I know that although my brother was the groom and traditionally the bride’s family is more involved, it broke my mother’s heart to not be allowed to help with any of the planning. It also hurt my father and me.

I think her behavior was quite rude and selfish, and my mother is willing to chalk it up to wedding stress (although her rude behavior continues a year later). What do you think? 0423-13

I believe that if the bride wants her attendants to wear a specific shoes, and particularly if she requires them to have professional hair and make-up done, then the bride is obligated to pay for those.

Why did your family not kick into high gear and plan the most delightful, extravagant rehearsal dinner?   That is entirely the groom’s family’s responsibility to plan and execute.  I’ve been to some great rehearsal dinners over the years, hosted by the parents of the groom who is their only child or there are no daughters to be married.   So the groom’s mom plans a lovely dinner with coordinated linens, favors, even dancing.   They look like wedding receptions frankly.

I look forward to when my son marries because I get to plan and host a great party the night before the wedding that doesn’t come with a lot of the stress baggage often associated with a wedding day reception.

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If you are from the Philadelphia, PA area you know exactly what a Mummer strut is. Based on the New Year’s Day Mummers Parade of Philly area Mummer clubs.

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My H2B and I are getting married in July and we are so excited. Our story comes from a phonecall I had with my Mum (MOB) earlier today.

We were chatting about the wedding, more specifically, who had accepted/declined the invitations when she casually says,”Yes, and don’t forget you will need chairs for Rosie’s Granna and Grandad during the ceremony.”  Then she starts talking about something else.

At this point, I asked her to repeat her comment again, and she said the same thing. I was stunned into silence.

Rosie is my flowergirl and although she is not a relative of mine or H2B’s she is akin to a baby sister to me, or a goddaughter. Her Grandparents, whom I have never met, have informed my Mum they will be coming to the ceremony to “watch Rosie walk down the aisle.”

I believe there are several things wrong with that statement, the first being that she wont be “walking down the aisle” as we are having a civil ceremony, with no aisle to walk down. After that of course, what I believe is rude in and of itself, is their intention to “gatecrash” a wedding, so they can see their granddaughter. Then there’s the fact that because we don’t know these people we didn’t invite them!

My Mum then finishes the conversation with, “Aunty Shirley and Aunty Ida are coming early to see the wedding ceremony. But, don’t worry they won’t be there long, they’ll just ‘sneak in the back’ and stand and watch, then go get something to eat elsewhere. Bye.”

At this point I was fuming. Aunty Shirley and Aunty Ida have been invited to the evening only (this is very very common in England, so don’t get grouchy about it, it’s actually how things are ‘done’ traditionally here and how most places ‘package’ their weddings. EG you have 60 guests for day and 100 for evening.) They haven’t been invited to the ceremony because of the sheer cost, plus the fire safety regulations of the room.

I don’t know what to do. There are several people who were not invited to the ceremony who now are planning on “sneaking in the back” to watch and at no point was H2B or I consulted on this. We were only told because Mum “slipped up” by telling me. (She told me she had been told not to say anything.) What on earth is the polite way to say,  “You weren’t invited to the ceremony, don’t come,” without offending anyone?

Please help! 0414-13

Regarding Rosie’s grandparents, call them and say, “I am sorry but we cannot accommodate your desire to come see Rosie in the wedding as that would usurp my other guests’ ability to be seated in our very tiny wedding venue.  I will make sure the photographer takes good pictures of her and send you a few afterwards.” And then make sure you do.

As for Aunties Shirley and Ida, I do not understand why relatives have been so conspicuously assigned to the B guest list.   Why did you not plan a wedding ceremony that included all your relatives on the same guest tier?   It’s not as though the aunties have been utterly overlooked as potential guests and therefore not invited as was the case with Rosie’s grandparents.

And what is this, “go get something to eat elsewhere”?   Are you saying that the guests to the ceremony will be treated to a meal while the “evening” guests are invited to partake in possibly light or even no refreshments?   That would explain why Aunties Shirley and Ida, if they sneak into the ceremony, must go find food elsewhere while the ceremony guests enjoy a meal prior to the evening dancing reception.

I am going grouchy on you.   I don’t care how “common” these types of wedding arrangements are in England.   It is still hierarchical treatment of guests with some deserving of gracious, generous hospitality while others must make do with the hospitality crumbs from the tables of the elite guests.   I cannot wrap my brain around the concept of assigning friends and even relatives to a second class guest status who are only invited to an evening dance to celebrate a significant life event they were not deemed sufficiently worthy enough to witness.   That seems like prioritizing the partying over the solemn occasion of a wedding commitment.

Op, your dilemma is a common one for those who choose to segregate their guests into tiered levels of hospitality.   To be honest, I do not have a ready answer as to how to extricate you from the horns of a dilemma of your own making.   Best I can advise is that you suck it up and ignore the Aunties’ presence at your ceremony since calling to tell them they are not invited to witness your wedding ceremony just screams out how ungracious you are and unkindly brings blunt attention to their exact place in the wedding guest hierarchy which they had the audacity to try and rise above.

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